The Jerk - The Script The Jerk Story by Steve Martin and Carl Gottlieb Screenplay by Steve Martin, Carl Gottlieb, and Michael Elias [Beside a theater, in the alley] (Our hero, Navin, is sitting at the bottom of a staircase, looking like a bum.) Navin Huh? I am not a bum, I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things. My friends and... uh... my thermos. Huh? My story? O.k. It was never for easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days sitting on the porch with my family singing and dancing, down in Mississippi. [Outside of Navin's house] (Everyone is dancing and singing on the porch. Navin has no rhythm.) Gonna jump down turn around pick a bail of cotton, Gonna jump down turn around pick a bail of hay... [Inside, at the kitchen table] Mother Well I hope everybody's good and hungry! Corn bread... Father Ain't we forgetting something? Mother No I'm not. Today is Navin's birthday. All Happy Birthday! Mother And I cooked up your favourite meal: tuna fish salad on white bread with mayonnaise, a Tab and a couple of Twinkies. Here darling. Navin Gee mom, thanks! Elmyra I got you a present. Navin Gee Elmyra! Elmyra I made it myself! Taj We got you something too. A half bottle of Lilac Vegetal from both of us. Pierre I drew you this picture. Young Brother Here! Navin Thank you! Father I want you to have my Zippo. Navin Gee, you've had this since the war. Thanks. Thanks everybody. God bless us, everyone. Mother Navin! [Navin's bedroom] Father (from kitchen) Well, can you pass me the potatoes and the collared greens? Mother Navin darling? Navin (crying) I'm sorry I spoiled the party for everyone. Mother You didn't spoil the party. I brought you a Twinkie. Navin I'm not hungry right now. Mother Feeling different again, huh? Navin It's like I feel different. It's like I don't belong here. Mother It's your birthday, and it's time you knew. Navin, you're not our natural born child. Navin I'm not? Mother You were left on our doorstep. But we raised you like you were one of us. Navin You mean I'm going to stay this color? (Navin cries) Mother Navin, I'd love you if you were the color of a baboons ass. (Navin and his mom hug. Taj walks in.) Taj Navin? I wrapped your sandwich in cellophane, just like you like it. You wanna, wanna come in and sing some blues? Navin No thanks Taj. There's something about those songs. They depress me. Mother Come here darling. (They hug. Navin's mom is singing, Navin is trying to snap his fingers along with it, but alas, he has no rhythm.) Mother That's it darling! You're getting the rhythm, see! [Navin's bedroom, at night] (Navin can't sleep, he's listening to the radio.) Announcer ... and that concludes this Sunday night gospel hour. Live from the Four Square Gospel Church of the Divine Salvation in St. Louis, Missouri. The Reverend Willard Wilton, pastor. And now music throughout the night, music in a mellow mood. (Music is playing on the radio. Navin turns on his light, his toes are tapping to beat. His fingers begin to snap, first the left, then right. He gets up out of bed, slips his slippers on; all the while dancing and moving to the rhythm. He leaves the room.) [Grandma's room] Navin Grandma! Grandma! Look! Look at the radio! Turn it up! Turn it up! It's unbelievable! I've never heard music like this before! It speaks to me! Taj, Dad, this is unbelievable! Now watch, watch! Well if this is out there just think how much more is out there! This is the kind of music that tells me to go out there and be somebody! Mother But Navin! Father Let him go. [Outside, at the side of a barn] (there is a large pile of shit on the ground) Father Son, now that your going out into the world, there's something you should know. You see that? Navin Yeah. Father That's shit. And this: shinola. Navin Shit, shinola. Father Son, you're going to be all right. Now what town are you going to try for first? Navin Well I thought I'd try to go to St. Louis, because that is where that radio program was coming from. (as they walk away, Navin walks through the shit) [In front of the house] Mother And remember, the Lord loves a working man. Navin Lord loves a working man. Father And son, don't never, ever trust whitey. Navin Don't trust whitey. The Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey. (he hugs his mom) Mother Ah baby! Navin Daddy! (he hugs his dad) Navin Pierre come here. Don't you forget to grow up now. Father O.k. Now let the boy go. We got work to do. Mother And I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for. Navin I will Ma. I know it's out there. Taj It's out there alright, and if you catch it, see a doctor and get rid of it. Navin See a doctor and get rid of it. Taj Good luck. Navin Good luck. The Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey, see a doctor and get rid of it. Bye Grandma! [Later that day, at the kitchen table] Mother Oh, I sure do miss Navin. Brother Is he ever coming back? Father Take away his place setting - it's making us too god damn sad. Mother I wonder if he's doing alright? Sister (shouting out window) Hey Navin! How you doing? Navin Don't worry about me! I think I see a car coming - no wait - it's a truck! It's a truck! Mother Oh Lord, help our little boy. [Outside the house, on the street] Navin I'm hitchhiking. Driver Where are you going? Navin St. Louis. How far are you going? Driver To the end of this fence. Navin O.k. (he gets in the truck) I'm Navin Johnson. What's your name sir? Driver Here we are! Navin O.k. Thanks for the company. I hope I can repay you someday. [Various scenes of Navin hitchhiking - he ends up at the Firebird Motel] (Navin is in bed, snoring. There is barking outside his room. Navin wakes up and opens the door.) Navin Well what is it boy? Are you lost? Do you want to play? (more barking) Is it trouble? Trouble? Is it a accident? A drowning? A fire? Shithead (more barking) Yeah! Yeah! Navin Fire!! Oh no! Gosh! We've got to warn everybody! I've heard about dogs like you! You're going to be famous! You're gonna get your picture taken and they'll put it in the paper! Gosh, this is exciting! You saved my life! Come on, lets warn everybody! [Outside of the motel] Navin Arf! Arf! Arf! Fire! It's a fire! Everybody! Wake up! It's a fire! This dog, he's saving everybody's life! He's unbelievable! This is some dog! He's a lifesaver! That's what I'll call him too! Ol' lifesaver! That's going to be your name. (the fire department shows up and checks the place out) Fireman Folks, false alarm. There's no fire. Guest Hey mister? Don't call that dog lifesaver. Navin No? Guest Call him Shithead. Navin Good. Shithead. [Down a dusty road, Navin is carrying Shithead] Navin This is exciting. This is exciting to have this kind of life on the road. A guy and a dog. (there is honking from a truck passing by) Driver St. Louis? Navin No, Navin Johnson. Driver No, do you want a lift to St. Louis? Navin Oh! O.k., thanks! Driver Hop in. (the truck pulls up to gas station) Navin This will be fine, right here. Thank you. [At a gas station] Harry Where are you going? Navin To the bathroom. Harry You've got to have a key. Navin Can I get one? Harry My key is for customers who buy gas. Navin Oh, I'm buying gas. Harry I don't see no car. Navin I, I just need enough for my lighter. Harry Oh look at this. And my wife wanted me to stay home today. Look what I would have missed! A complete fill up for a whole lighter. (Harry points inside) On that wall. Navin Thank you. (Navin is dragging a key chained to a wheel rim) Harry And don't walk away with it. Navin I won't. [Bathroom at gas station] (Harry is shouting through the door at Navin, who is using the facilities) Harry Hey pop top! Hey silverbird! I'm talking to you. Navin Huh? Harry Listen, do you want to be president of Texaco oil? Navin Sure! Harry Then clean up the sink in there. Navin And then I'll be president of Texaco oil? Harry What ever happened to working your way up? He's not working for me ten minutes and already he wants to be president of Texaco oil. Navin But sir, I don't work here. Harry Not even for $1.10 an hour? [Various scenes of Navin working at the gas station] [At Navin's old home] (Dad and the family are reading a letter from Navin) Navin (his voice only) Dear folks, I got this great job in a gas station. I don't want to say how much I'm getting, but lets just say its a lot. I'm enclosing two dollars. Father That's a good boy. [Back at the gas station] Navin (his voice only) It's a lot of fun working and Mr. Hartounian is really nice. He's teaching me how to be impatient. Harry Navin! Navin (his voice only) Well, I gotta go now. What do you think I do? Write letters all day? Harry Do you actually sleep here? (pointing to a dolly underneath a car) Navin Yes. Is that o.k.? Harry Come with me. I've got a beautiful little place for you to stay. Put the light on. You're going to like it here. [Back in the bathroom at the gas station] Navin Like it? I love it! This is fabulous! I mean, you've got the toilet here! This must be the kitchen! (he looks in the stall) No. You know what I could do is take this wall and just turn it this way so I've a much larger living space plus, it will create a flow into the main living area. It will be incredible. No, no, I'll just elevate this about 6 inches, create the illusion of two rooms and yet still have that flow. And I could take bookshelves and put it here, no, I'll put the books right over here, that way I could be relaxing over here, the customers could come in, use the urinals, I won't disturb them, they won't disturb me, it... Harry Take it easy, it's not here. It's in here. Navin Oh. I couldn't afford this anyway. [In a closet inside the bathroom] Harry Well, this is it. Navin It's perfect! I won't have to change this at all! Harry Take a look. No kitchen, no windows, no chairs, no tables. It's a masterpiece of understatement. I'll put a bed down here, get a bigger bulb. I'll bring some sheets from the house, you'll be set for life! Navin How much is this gonna to cost me? Harry Nothing! When you're rich and famous, you'll send me a postcard. Navin Postcard huh? (he thinks...) O.k. It's a deal. Harry It's a deal. [Outside the gas station] Navin What are those? Harry Step outside for a second darling. (Harry's wife steps out of the car) Harry Navin, this is my wife Leanor. Leanor, this is Navin. Navin Pleased to meet you. Harry Navin, do you know why a woman of such pulplitude is married to a man like me? (Navin shakes his head) Harry Because I make a very comfortable living. Now this is the first time I'm leaving you alone on a Sunday. If anything should happen to this station this woman would leave me like a pbbt! In other words, there'd be no more, uh... (makes hand gesture) Do you know what I'm talking about? Navin Yes sir. No more (makes hand gesture). Harry So remember, guard this station with your life. Because my sex life is in your hands. [Outside the gas station - a large car has just pulled up] Navin I can fix those shocks. Driver No, we just want some gas, Muchacho. Navin O.k. but it's Sunday. We got to have a credit card. Driver Ah... Jerry And all the cash is locked up? Navin Oh no, not locked up. We got a lot a cash, it's just that the banks are closed and I'm not allowed to have cash coming in or going out 'cause I'm all alone here for the first time and I don't want anything to happen and you know you flash this kind of wad in front of some people and they'll kill you for it! So we got to have a credit card. Driver Hey Jerry? We got a credit card in there? Credit card? (Navin is offered a smoke from guy in the back seat) Navin Oh, no thanks. I don't smoke. What kind of cigarette is that? Backseat guy Joint. Navin Joint? They don't make 'em very good. Jerry Mastercharge do? Navin Yeah that's fine. We take Mastercharge. Do you want a fill up, Mrs. Neusebalm? Jerry Oh, I'm Mr. Neusebalm. Driver Yeah, that's his wife's card. Navin Wife's card huh? Driver Yeah, I'll vouch for him Navin O.k - as long as we got a voucher. (Navin checks the list of stolen credit cards) Stolen! (Navin goes inside the gas bar and dials the phone) Navin I got it! Just send a police car over. Mrs. Neusebalm's credit card! I got the guys who stole it! (the guys outside honk their horn) Navin Hold on they're calling me. I'll be right back. (Navin runs back out to the car) Navin Yes? Driver Yeah, throw a couple of tires in the trunk - put it on the card - radials. Navin O.k. Jerry Make 'em whitewalls! Navin Yes sir Mr. Neusebalm! (Navin runs back to the phone) Navin I'm back, only its worse than I thought. They're not only sticking us for gas but they're grabbing tires and everything! They're really sacking it to us! Yeah, it's Hartounian's gas station at the corner... Hang on a second, I don't want to get them suspicious. Don't worry, I can keep 'em here. I saw this trick in a movie. (the bell on the church next door rings) Navin Got your tires! (Navin puts the tires in the trunk of the car and proceeds to tie a rope from bumper of it to a water tap on the church) Navin Anything else? Driver Yeah. Jerry And we'll take the money you got in your pocket. Navin Oh sure, I'll just put it on the card. Hey guess what! You're out eighth customer today - you won a free oven mitt! I'll go get it for ya. (Navin saunters back to phone) Navin Yeah, I'm back. Uh huh. Yeah, they're going to be here for a while. Don't worry, I've rigged it. (Meanwhile, back at the car...) Driver You guys want to stick around for an oven mitt? Jerry Nah. (Back to Navin on the phone...) Navin Hang on just a second. (the car starts to pull away, despite the rope. Only, it is dragging the church behind it) Navin Um, they might not be here, uh, exactly, uh, when you get back, but, uh, it's a blue Chevy two door and it will be going south on Hertatto street. No, I can't make out the license number but, uh, it will be pulling a small church. So any blue Chevy pulling a small church, I figure that'd be the one. Yeah, uh huh. [Later that day] Harry Believe me, I'm not mad at you. What's the matter with you? What'd I loose, a couple of tires? But look at the bright side - you also lost the church! Navin Gee Mr. Hartounian! Gee Mr. Hartounian! (a phone book delivery truck drives up) Navin Oh, my God! (Navin takes the book.) Thank you. (he rips through the book, looking for something) Navin The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here! Harry Well I wish I could get so excited about nothing. Navin Nothing? Are you kidding?! Page 73, Johnson, Navin, R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity, you're name in print, that makes people. I'm impressed! Things are going to start happening to me now. [At Madman's house] Madman (he picks a name at random from the new phone book) Johnson, Navin, R. Sounds like a typical bastard. [Back at the gas station] Madman Die Navin R. Johnson. Bastard, random son of a bitch, typical run of the mill bastard. Navin Fill 'er up? Stan Fill 'er up son and a little bit extra! Stan Fox buying gas. Navin Navin R. Johnson selling it sir! Madman Got ya, you lavish typical blocking of the view of a God damn average victim bastard. Navin Check your oil? Stan Check away Navin R. Johnson! Navin Oil rag at the ready sir! Stan Lets check the oil together! Navin Yes sir, thank you sir! Madman Son of blocking bastard! Stan Looks good to me sir but I'd like your opinion! (Stan's glasses slip off his nose) Damn these glasses! Looks good to me too! Hurry up son, time's a wasting! I'm going to the john. Don't forget to check the tires. Damn these glasses son! Navin Yes sir. I damn thee! Stan Damn! Damn these glasses! Navin Sir! I can fix those glasses! Stan You can? Well here, fix those suckers! (Dramatic music plays as Navin is tossed the pair of glasses. He catches them and runs inside to fix them.) Madman Shit! (Stan comes back from the john) Navin Sir! Guess what - I fixed 'em. I was back there thinking, what causes glasses to slip on and off and it's because when you take them on and off you're always putting pressure on the frames like this - it causes them to spread, so I put a little handle right here in the centre and it puts the pressure on the bridge where it belongs, just like the tierods on a 72 Buick, plus I put a little nose brake on to prevent slippage. Try it! Use the handle. Stan Well, I'll be. It works! You know, I make a pretty good living selling shit like this. I tell you what: if I can develop this gizmo, I'll split with you fifty fifty. Navin O.k. Stan How much do I owe you for the gas? I got a trunk load of shit to sell. Navin Twenty six, forty one. Stan Here's a triple six! Keep the change. Navin Wow thanks! Madman Dead centre - say you're prayers, half breed! (cans begin to pop on the display Navin is standing next to) Navin Hey Harry, look at this! What's the matter with these cans? Madman Die milk face! (more cans pop) Navin These cans are defective - they're springing leaks! Come over here and look at this! Harry Listen, you better run for cover or you're going to spring a leak! Navin Huh? Harry We don't have defective cans, we have a defective person out there! Navin He hates these cans! Stay away from the cans! Madman Die gas pumper! (the glass on a pump breaks) Navin Get away from those cans! (Navin runs inside the station) Navin There's cans in there too! (the gas station window breaks) navin More cans! Madman Die you bastard! Harry He doesn't want to put holes in the cans, he want to put holes in you! Navin What? Madman Milk faced bastard! Navin Oh my God, I'm endangering your life! Cover me! Harry You're covered. Madman Suck my toes! Navin You stay here, I'll distract him. (Navin pulls away in a car with no tires on, Madman follows behind) Navin Shithead, come on! Come on boy! Good boy! (Navin is chased, and eventually, pulls into a carnival lot) [A carnival lot] (There is a sign on the fence that reads "Carnival personnel only") Madman Carnival personnel only. Damn. Navin Shithead come one! Madman You're not carnival personnel! Navin Come on boy, come on! Madman Hey, he's not carnival personnel! Frosty O.k Eddy, move it out. (a truck pulls out, with Navin riding on the back) [A carnival] Navin (his voice only) So mom, when I told Mr. Hartounian I'd come back, he said, "Don't be a putz. See the world. Me you've seen already. So I got a job with SJM Fiesta Shows as a weight guesser. Frosty my boss tells me there's a big future in weight guessing. Enclosed is four dollars and seventy five cents for my loving family. P.S. Is grandma still farting? Navin For one dollar I'll guess you weight, your height, or your sex. The most exciting thing on the midway. Imagine the thrill of getting your weight guessed by a professional. You can blow up your cheeks, you can stick out your chest, but you're not going to fool the guesser. How about you sir? Step right up! Carnival Rube Hey honey, let's see how good this guy is. What'd I win? Navin Uh, anything in this general area right in here. Anything below the stereo and on this side of the bicentennial glasses. Anything between the ashtrays and the thimble. Anything in this three inches right in here in this area. That includes the Chiclets, but not the erasers. Carnival Rube No sir! Come on honey! He thought he had a rube. Navin Frosty, I'm no good at this. Frosty Aw come on Navin, you're doing fine. Navin I've already given away eight pencils, two hoola dolls and an ashtray and I've only taken in fifteen dollars. Frosty Navin, you have taken in fifteen dollars and given away fifty cents worth of crap, which gives us a net profit of fourteen dollars and fifty cents. Navin Ah! It's a profit deal! Takes the pressure off! Get your weight guessed right here! Only a buck! Actual live weight guessing! Take a chance and win some crap! [At the motorcycle ring] Announcer Ladies and gentlemen. May I draw your attention now to the left side of the midway. Presenting the amazing Patty Bernstein doing her special ride through the flaming ball of death. (Applause from the crowd. Patty rides through the ball of death and falls off her motorcycle, but gets up, a-o.k.) [On the circus grounds] Patty Wanna guess my weight greeny? Navin I saw you last night, you were great! Patty Ya, right. Turn around. Navin What? Patty Turn around. Go like this. (she thrusts her hips) You're o.k. Give me a bite of that corn dog. Navin What about germs? Patty Put a rubber on it. Get on. (they ride off on Patty's motorcycle) Frosty Don't you wear him out! He's got to work tonight! [Inside Patty's trailer] Navin What a great place! You know, you can tell so much about a person from the way they live. Just looking around here I can tell you're a genuinely dirty person. What do I do with this? (Patty takes the helmet and throws it across the trailer) Oh, you keep it there. Where's your garbage? (Patty takes Navin's corn dog and throws it across the trailer as well) Patty (she lies down on the bed) You know what I'd like to do? Navin What? Patty Guess your weight. Navin Hey, that would be interesting for me, no one has tried to guess my weight! You see, I guess their weights... Patty Put your arms up. Navin This will give me a whole different perspective on this. (Patty squeezes Navin's backside) Hey! You're really trying to be accurate! Is it getting hot in here? Wait a minute - what's happening to my special purpose? Patty What's your special purpose? Navin Well when I was a kid my mom told me... there goes my special purpose! And someday I'd find out what my special purpose was! Patty Today's the day! Navin (the whole trailer shakes) Hey, this is like a ride! [On the porch of Navin's old house] Grandmother (reading a letter) My dear family, guess what. Today I found out what my special purpose is for. Gosh what a great time I had. I wish my whole family could have been here with me. Maybe some other time as I intend to do this a lot. Every chance I get. I think next week I'll be able to send some more money as I may have extra work. My friend Patty promised me a blow job. Your loving son, Navin. (she stops reading) And he's got the kisses here. Father That Patty must be a sweet girl. Mother God bless her. [Back at the circus, on the ferris wheel] Navin Do you ever think we'd get to know each other well enough to kiss? Patty We don't have to. You're my man. It's like we're married. Look at my ass. Navin Gosh! You have my last name tattooed right there under the j's! First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass! You know, I bet more people see that then the phone book. [On miniature train, Navin is driving] Navin End of the line! This is Engineer Fred. Come back to visit me again! Marie Billy! Billy! Navin Whoo, whoo! Marie Have you seen a five years old boy, blond hair and he's wearing a t-shirt that says "Bullshit" on it? Navin No, there was this one kid earlier who was wearing a t- shirt that says "Life Sucks" on it. Marie I left him at the Roundup. He said he wanted to go on the train. (Billy has climbed on board the miniature train) There he is! Hey Billy! Navin Hey, come back here! (The trains begins to leave, Navin starts to run after it) Navin Pull the lever! Pull the lever! Hold that (Navin hands Marie his oil can) and these (his gloves) and take my keys and hold my wallet! (Navin runs down the track after the train and Billy) Navin (to Billy) Don't touch the Johnson bar! It'll explode the fuel casing! And if the Wilson-Smith indicator gets above one sixty, just turn that little nut down there one quarter turn. There's a little screwdriver there, just put it in and turn it one quarter. Now listen Billy, we're going into a tunnel don't stand up because the clearance is only four foot, uhh! (Navin hits his head on the tunnel) I'm o.k., I was protected by the bill of my Engineer Fred cap! (the train slows to a stop) Thank's for pulling my cap down. Marie Oh Billy, Billy! You scared me half to death. Thank you so much. It would have been so embarrassing to go home without Billy. Oh, here's your gloves and your oil can and your wallet, oh and this fell out. (she hands Navin a condom) Navin Ha! Those guys... Marie Listen, what you did just now was very brave. Is there some way I could repay you? Navin Repay me? I could never accept anything from you for saving your child. Marie Oh, he's not my child. I'm just babysitting for a friend. Navin Oh, would it be too much if I asked for a kiss? Marie No. Navin (Navin kisses Billy) He's a real little dickens. (Marie kisses Navin, then she leaves) Navin Oh Miss? I was, was just standing here right now, and I was wondering if you wern't doing anything tomorrow, that maybe you might want to go out with me? Marie What? Navin (he is mumbling) Maybe you might want to go out with me? Marie Are you trying to ask me for a date? Navin (mumbling) Well... Marie Once for now, twice for yes. (Navin stomps his foot twice) Navin O.k. Marie Um... you're so cute. How about three thirty tomorrow at the Roundup? Navin O.k.! Do you have any boyfriends? Marie Not really. Navin Are they crazy? If I was a fellow, I'd be around all the time. Marie Well, see if you can work it out. We have a date tomorrow. Navin What's your name? Marie Marie. What's yours? Navin I'll tell you tomorrow. It will give us something interesting to talk about. [Behind the merry-go-round] Navin Hi. Patty What's up hubby? Navin Oh, I got these for you. (Navin hands her a bunch of daisies) Patty Thanks. (Patty rips the flowers off and hands the stems back to Navin) Navin, you know the other day when I showed you the tattoo? Navin Yeah... Patty Well I forgot to tell you something. This! (She punches him, then throws him to the ground. She pulls out a switchblade and holds it to his throat.) Patty That's what's going to happen to you if I ever catch you looking at another broad. Navin Glad you told me. Patty And remember, I did this without anger and I stayed away from your crotch. Navin Bye sweetie. (Patty leaves) [Later...] Navin Hi! Marie What happened? Navin Oh, it was unbelievable. These guys jumped me, tried to get these flowers. I got them for you. Kind of a traditional date deal. Marie Yeah, I've heard of that. What were they? Navin Uh, a couple of dozen roses. Marie Look like daisy stems. Navin What? That guy gipped me! Put daisy stems on my roses! Hey, look, these hoodlums are dangerous. I think we outta get out of here before she sees us. Marie She? Navin What? Marie She. Navin No, no, I always call a gang "she". It's like when you call a boat "she" or a hurricane "she". Marie Or a girl? Navin A girl. You can call a girl she. That's just one of the many things you can call a she. [In Navin's house - actually, the back of a trailer] Marie Why are you smiling? Navin You're the first person I've every had at my place. Marie You live here? Oh, it's nice. Did you decorate it? Navin Yeah, I got all this stuff from the old Cup 'o Pizza place before they tore it down. Marie Good pizza. (the two of them are eating pizza in a cup) Navin Oh, this is the best pizza in a cup ever. This guy is unbelievable. He ran the old Cup 'o Pizza guy out of business. People come from all over to eat this. (they exchange glances) Navin You know, you have beautiful skin. May I? Marie Yes. (he squishes her cheeks) Navin So smooth yet flexible. Marie I take after my mother's side of the family. Navin It's amazing the way it just snaps back like that. Amazing. Are you a model? Marie No. I'm a cosmetologist. Navin Really? A cosmetologist? That's unbelievable! That's impressive! It must be tough to handle weightlessness! Can I ask you a personal question? Marie What is it? Navin Now be totally honest. You do have a boyfriend don't you. Marie Kind of. Navin I know this is our first date but, do you think the next time you make love to your boyfriend, you could think of me? Marie Well I haven't made love to him yet. Navin That's too bad. Do you think it's possible that someday you can make love with me and think of him? Marie Who knows. Maybe you and he could make love and you could think of me. Navin I'd just be happy to be in there somewhere. (Navin licks her face) Marie Do you have a girlfriend? Navin Does it matter? Marie Well, I'd like to think you were available. Navin Oh, I'm available. (Patty rides into the trailer on her motorcycle) Patty Did you forget about my ass? Navin No, I've been thinking about it! She tattooed my name on her ass. Not just my name, a lot of names and funny sayings too! She's got one up here that says "Slippery when wet". Marie How do you know that? Patty What is she, some great piece of ass? Navin She's no great piece of ass! I mean uh, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. We're all adults here, lets reason this out. Now Marie is the type of person that if you got... Patty If Miss Class doesn't get her buns outta here, I'm going to drive this bike up her butt! Navin ...while Patty tends to be more direct. Patty And as for you farm boy, we're married. (Patty punches Navin) And as for you, cupie doll... (Marie punches Patty) Navin You protected me, you must really like me! [On a beach at night] (Navin is playing the ukulele, him and Marie are singing) I know, I know, You belong to somebody new, But tonight, you belong to me. Although, although, We're apart, you're part of my heart, And tonight, you belong to me. Way down by the stream, How sweet it would seem, Once more just to breathe in the moonlight my honey... I know, I know, With the dawn, that you will be gone, But tonight, you belong to me. Just to little ol' me. (Marie brings out a coronet, she plays a solo, then the song ends) Navin You know, while you were playing that just now, I had the craziest fantasy that I could rise up and float right down the end of this coronet, right through here, through these vales, right along this tube, and right up against your lips and give you a kiss. Marie Why didn't you? Navin I didn't want to get spit on me. (They almost kiss, well, sort of... Marie is resisting him. Eventually, he gives up.) Navin (out of breath) Was it good for you too? Marie I really do want to kiss you, but I'm afraid. Navin I would have kept my tongue in! Marie No, I mean, I'm afraid if I kiss you that I will fall in love with you. Navin You will? Marie And I don't want to. Navin You don't? Marie My mother sacrificed everything to send me through cosmetology. Navin She did? Marie She has this dream for me to be somebody. Navin She does? Marie To marry someone with power, great vision, someone with a special purpose. Navin I've got one! I've got a special purpose! Marie You do? Navin Yes, it's fantastic! It's great! It's unbelievable! And I was afraid to tell you about it - your mother's going to love me! [Navin and Marie are in bed, Marie is asleep] Navin Marie, are you awake? Good. You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. I'm glad because there is something that has always been very difficult for me to say. I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to be able to say that. You give me confidence in myself. I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days and the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days and the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in then evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it. Anyway, I've decided that tomorrow, when the time is right, I'm going to ask you to marry me, if that's o.k. with you. Just don't say anything. You've made me very happy. [In the bathtub] (Navin is in the bathtub, Marie is at the desk, writing) Navin (singing) Went to Lars singing, you agreed, in ringing notes of harmony. Marie (singing) I may not have the best way, but when I speak in song I say it better... Navin This warm melody always calls to me... Marie Though my worries may go away, it's my hope the song will stay just to help when I first sing... goodbye. Navin Honey, whose the happiest guy in the world? Marie You are! Navin That's right! And who's the happiest gal? (Shithead barks) Navin That's right! (Marie slips a note under the door to the bathroom.) Navin Honey, guess what - I wrote a song for you this morning. (Navin is singing) I'm picking out a thermos for you. Not an ordinary thermos for you. But the extra best thermos that you can buy, With vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in! I'm picking out a thermos for you, And maybe a barometer too, And what else can I buy so on me you'll rely, A rear end thermometer too. (Marie is about to leave) Navin Honey? There's a question I've been wanting to pop, but I was afraid you'd say no, but this seems like the right time and place, so here goes. Honey, will you marry me? (Shithead barks) Navin Yahoo! Come on, lets seal it with a kiss! Get in the tub with me! (Shithead jumps in the bathtub) Not you Shithead, where's Marie? (Shithead barks) Navin What letter? (Shithead barks, Navin picks up the wet letter off the floor.) Navin (reading) Dear Nabbbin, Rouuu here eeerrr I searrrr forward to tell mmmuuuhhhuuurrr to be... Marie! Marie! Shithead, come here! Good idea! [Outside the house] (Navin still isn't dressed, he is covering his front with Shithead) Navin Marie, Marie, why did you leave me? I couldn't read the letter, it was too blurry! Here boy! (Navin picks up another little dog to cover his backside) Navin Marie! Marie! Marie! Where are you Marie? Marie? Where are you Marie? Marie! [On a dusty road] Navin It's not going to be easy Shithead. We've been together a long time, but I've got to head down that road and there'll be times out there when there won't be enough food for two and I won't be able... (Shithead runs off) Navin Hey! Wait a minute! I'm not done yet! Come back, I'm not finished! I have some more to tell you! (Shithead comes back) Navin You'll find a family who can give you a real home with loving kids and a warm fireplace. Now I never liked you anyway, now get out of here. O.k., o.k. you win, you can go with me. [Further on down the road] (Navin is dragging Shithead behind him) Navin (his voice only) So mom, with my faithful dog leading the way, I'm out to win the hand of Marie. You'd love her mom, she looks just like you. Except she's white and blond. So to win her back, I vowed to make something of myself. I settled in Los Angeles and took the money I saved and rented my first apartment. Mother (reading) Things couldn't be worse. I can only send you forty nine cents this week... Father That's a good boy. Mother (reading) ...as I've lost all my jobs. I've been eating well though, as the hospital gives out free meals of orange juice and cookies and all I have to do is give them a pint of blood. I ate there all week, three times a day, and I decided to quit when I cut myself shaving and nothing came out but air. I have to go now, as someone is staring at me though binoculars. Your loving son, Navin. [Back at Navin's apartment] (Madman from the gas station is looking at Navin through binoculars) Navin It's him! Him?! What's him doing here?! Shithead! Shithead! Attack, attack, attack! (Shithead attacks) Not me! Shithead! (A big chase - Navin throws the popcorn he was eating at Madman who is now running after him. Finally, Navin is cornered and Madman approaches...) Madman You're going to have to sign for this. (he hands a letter to Navin) Navin I have to sign before you shoot me? Madman I'm not going to shoot you. Navin Why not? Madman Well, that was the old me. I was a little mixed up at that time. I had a bad marriage, and I just gave up smoking. I'm o.k. now. I'm a private detective. (Navin hands back the signed card) So long. Navin Thank you. (Navin opens up the letter and reads) Navin (reading) Dear Mr. Johnson, Please call on me, suite 2655 at the Century Plaza Tower, Los Angeles. I have something of great importance to impart to you. [Stan Fox's office] Stan Navin! Remember me? Navin No, but don't feel bad. Stan Fox! Stan fox! Remember, at the gas station? Boy, you are one hard guy to find! You don't remember me! The glasses handle - look! Navin Oh yeah, my glasses handle. (Navin reaches for a pair of glasses) Stan Use the Opti-grab. Navin Opti-grab? Stan Yeah, we call it Opti-grab. Navin Opti-grab. Stan "Opti" from the eye, and "grab" from where you grab it. Navin Opti-grabbing it! Stan Navin, look we're in business! Fifty fifty. Just like we said. Right in here, I have your first cheque for two hundred and fifty big ones. Navin Two fifty? Stan That's just the beginning. There's going to be more! Lots more! Navin Can I cash this? Stan You can do whatever you like, it's your money! It's a cashiers check! Navin Wow! I can use money! [At a bank] Navin Yes, I have a cashiers check, I'd like to cash it. Bank Manager How much is it for? Navin Two hundred and fifty big ones. Two hundred and fifty dollarinies. Two hundred and fifty donuts. (the bank manager opens up the check and sees the amount - it is a little more than two hundred and fifty donuts) Bank Manager You want to cash this? Navin Well, I could take fifty of the donuts and deposit the other two hundred beauties. Bank Manager Take a seat, Mr., ah, Johnson. I will need two pieces of identification. Navin Ah yes, I have my temporary drivers licence, and my astronaut application form. I didn't pass that though, I failed everything but the date of birth. I didn't get the job. Bank Manager Everything's in order, if you'll just endorse this, there. Navin I need a pen. Bank Manager A pen. Navin Right here. Thank you. Bank Manager And uh, fill out this deposit slip, right there. Navin Alright, endorsing and filling out the deposit slip. Two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. (Navin is a little surprised at his new-found wealth, in fact, a lot surprised) [Back at the gas bar] Harry (reading) Dear Harry, guess what. I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams, but I haven't forgotten our deal. Here's that postcard I promised you. I bet you thought you'd never get it huh! Your friend forever, Navin. Promised me a postcard, and he sent me a postcard. The kid has integrity. [At Navin's new house] (Headline of the newspaper "Young inventor strikes it rich". Navin is carrying in a large painting of a reclined nude. The phone rings.) Navin (talking in phone) Y-ello, yes? Who? Mrs. Kimble? You're Marie's mom! You read about me in the paper? Yeah, I've been trying to contact her, I don't know where she is. I'd give anything to find out. Well that sounds a little high... how about seventy five dollars? O.k., o.k. what is it? The May Company in Los Angeles. Shithead - I know where she is! I know where she is! [At the May Company, Los Angeles] Marie Now doesn't that feel good? Customer Mm hum. Marie There now, we are complete. Putting on Mascoderm just took a few short minutes and when we peel it off, he will look twenty years younger. Wife ?????? Marie Yes, exactly. Now we'll let this dry. In the meantime, we can go and pick out an eye shadow and lip tint for him. Now everyone, just follow me this way, because this is a very interesting line, and I think you'll enjoy this. (they move on to a different part of the store) Marie With your husbands coloring, a deep tone would bring out his lips, and this, "Nature Beige" will feature his eyes just wonderfully. Wife Let's try everything. (Meanwhile, Navin has given the man some money and taken his place. Navin has somehow applied Mascoderm to himself) Irving What? (as Navin waves a bill at him) (the crowd moves back to where Irving was, Navin is) Marie Ah, let's go unmask Irving. Everyone, back this way. We are now going to peel off our Mascoderm. Irving's skin will be tighter, firmer, and he'll look like a different man. You'll be amazed. Get ready Irving! (she peels off the mask to reveal Navin) Crowd Ohhh! Marie Jeez, this shit really worked! Navin, oh my sweetheart! Wife What are you doing to my husband you Ms. Blondie! Irving, Irving, are you crazy?! [At Navin's house] Navin (reading) Dear mom, the big news is Marie and I were married. We couldn't wait. Luckily we found someone at the Hollywood View Apartments who could marry us immediately. He was a certified priest. (actually, he is a voodoo doctor) We were both glad we had a religious wedding. Money hasn't changed our lives that much, our one little extravagance is a live-in butler and housekeeper. Navin Another check? Hobart Ah ha! Just as I thought, look at that. Nearly three quarters of a million dollars. Sir, one would think that with that kind of income you could buy a larger house with proper servants quarters. [At Navin's new house] Navin (reading) Well mom, remember my dream of owning a big house on a hill and how I used to wish for a living room with a plaster lion in it from Mexico and how I always wanted a large twenty four seat dining table in a dining room with original oil paintings by Michelangelo and Rembrandt and remember how I always wanted a rotating bed with pink chiffon and zebra stripes and remember how I used to chit chat with dad about always wanting a bathtub shaped like a clam and an office with orange and white stripes and remember how much I wanted an all red billiard room with a giant stuffed camel and how I wanted a disco room with my own disco dancers and a party room with fancy friends and remember how much I wanted a big backyard with Grecian statues, s-shaped hedges and three swimming pools? Well, I got that too. Marie and I are getting along swell, but I've got a lot to learn about handling my money and banks. You have to be careful. Poor Hobart. Hester took some money out of her savings account, and had to pay a substantial penalty for early withdrawal. (Hester is shown outside being shot at by a firing squad) Enclosed is this weeks, check. Love, Navin. Navin Sorry about your wife Hobart. Hobart Federal regulations sir. Oh, dear me. Your wife has given you another gold chain. I nearly forgot. Ah, I suppose I'm still not quite over Hester's death. Navin Well, these things take time. Hobart Yes, so I'm told. Oh, and here's your drink sir, like the one you saw in the magazine. Navin Well, you got the bamboo umbrella and everything. See that? (he pulls the magazine out of the drawer) "Be somebody". Hobart Very good sir, very good. Oh, there's some charity people here to see you sir. Navin Mo, sent them away! There's a lot of people more deserving than me. Hobart Ah, but these people want you to give. Navin Oh, o.k. (a charity man walks in) Father My name is Father Carlos Las Vegas De Cordova. Navin Father, you seem like a religious man. How can I help you? Father By giving me three minutes of your time so that you can see some film of a great ugliness that is spreading throughout my country. Navin Oh God, I bet it's disgusting. Hobart? Hobart Yes sir? Navin Are you over your grief enough yet to dim the lights? Hobart Oh, ha ha, of course sir. One cannot mourn forever. Father You will not believe what you are about to see; that human beings could have sunk so low that they can take pleasure to do this to another of Gods creatures. I hope you have a strong stomach senor. Navin Roll the ugliness. (A scene in a Mexican bar - cat juggling!! Navin is shocked. The juggler looks suspiciously like Navin, but rest assured, according to the movies credits, Steve Martin plays Navin, and Pig Eye Jackson is credited as the cat juggler.) Navin Good Lord - I've heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a god that would let this happen? How much do you want? [Outside the house] Boss If your initial investment is a half a million dollars and your apartments are up in March, you should have x amount of dollars rolling in by the end of this year. Navin Ah, x amount. That's very good isn't it. Con Man Not only that, you can depreciate the entire building for the full amount! Navin Depreciate! Hum, very good. I like that. Con Man And, we found a way to get around this fair housing crap! Navin Ah, good. Getting around the crap! That's good! Con Man 2 By keeping the rents high, we're going to appeal to a select class of people. Navin Select class. Very, very good. Boss We'll keep the eggplants out! Navin Ah good! We don't want any vegetables. Con Man Na, na. The jungle bunnies! Navin Oh of course! They'll eat the vegetables! Con Man Boss, could I talk to him? We're going to keep out the niggers! Navin The what? Boss The niggers! We'll keep 'em out. Navin Sir, you are talking to a nigger! (Navin practices his karate on them all, of course, he's a blackbelt. The last man standing, presents a bit of a problem though. Navin hurts his foot.) [In a fancy restaurant] Marie Don't be so hard on yourself. How could you know that was Iron Balls McGinty? Waiter Would monsieur care for another bottle of Chateau Latour? Navin Ah yes, but no more 1966. Lets splurge! Bring us some fresh wine! The freshest you've got - this year! No more of this old stuff. Waiter Oui monsieur. Navin He doesn't realise he's dealing with sophisticated people here. Marie, now just stay calm. Stay calm. Don't look down, don't look down! Look up! Just keep your eyes up and keep them that way, o.k.! Waiter there are snails on her plate. Now get them out of here before she sees them! Look away, just look away, keep your eyes that way! You would think that in a fancy restaurant at these prices you could keep the snails off the food! There are so many snails there you can't even see the food! Now take those away and bring us those melted cheese sandwich appetizers you talked me out of! Waiter Oui monsieur. Navin Can you believe this? First, they didn't have the bamboo umbrellas for the wine, and now snails on the food! Two boobs! That's what he takes us for! [Back at Navin's house] (Navin is driving a golf cart) Navin Hi honey! Marie Hello babe! Navin Everything o.k.? Marie Remember how you told me to take unnecessary lessons? Well, I just took a lesson! Teacher And a very good student too. Adios senora. Marie Adios. Navin You took bullfighting? Marie No, knife throwing! Navin Knife throwing's great! Marie And I can almost do it! Navin Well let me see your stuff! (they walk over to where Marie was practising) Navin This is very good for a beginner. This is exciting! I love this! Come on! Marie Turn sideways. Navin O.k. Marie And put a balloon in your mouth. Do you have a balloon? Navin Ah, no, oh wait, yes! Marie O.k. is it in your mouth? Navin Uh huh! Now throw them good and hard so they stick! Marie O.k.! One, two, three, four-five-six! (she throws and hits his pants) Oh, I missed. Navin Honey, you did good! Marie I can't do anything right! Navin Honey, you worry too much. Come on, lets plot this over and look at it another way. Why do you realize that in the past two short months we have acquired the sophistication it takes some people a lifetime to acquire? Come on, lets toast! [In Navin's disco room] (lots of people, dancing, disco music...) Partier Everybody, Navin's on t.v.! Marie, it's Navin! Marie Oh honey, here's that interview you did on t.v.! Shut off the music! Shut it off! Shut off the music! Everyone we're going to watch Navin on the t.v.! Now sit down, sit down on the floor! Turn around... Announcer American Time News Magazine turns its probing eye on Navin Johnson inventor of the Opti-grab. That little glasses handle that sold ten million units in a few short months. Mr. Johnson you've become a millionaire overnight. Who are you? Navin Who is Navin Johnson? Navin is a complex personality, as are most of the small breed of modern day renaissance millionaires. Announcer We had planned to show you the entire Johnson interview, however when we returned to our studio, our news department informed us of a sensational development in the Johnson story. It seems that an irate group of citizens led by the celebrity, Mr. Carl Reiner has filed a class action suit against Mr. Johnson and his Opti-Grab. Here's what Mr. Reiner had to say at a press conference. Carl Reiner When Opti-grab came out, I thought it was the greatest thing ever, and I bought a pair. And this is the result. (Mr. Reiner removes his pair of dark glasses to reveal...) This little handle is like a magnet, your eyes are constantly drawn to it and you end up cock-eyed. Now as a director I am constantly using my eyes and this Opti-grab device has caused irreparable harm to my career. Let me show you a clip from my latest film where my faulty depth perception kept me from yelling cut at the proper time. (scene of a little red sportscar speeding off a cliff. Reiner yells "Cut!" just after the car goes over the edge) If I had yelled cut on time, those actors would be alive today. That's why I am spearheading the ten million dollar class action suit against Mr. Johnson and his irresponsible selling of a product he didn't even test on prisoners. Thank you. Partier Looks like the parties over. Navin Hey wait a minute, where are you going? Partier I'm going to get in touch with that Reiner guy. (everyone leaves the party) Navin I've got some change upstairs. We'll get some potato chips, we'll make it a less formal thing. Honey, why the gloom? It's not the end of the rainbow! I'm Navin Johnson, inventor. This is no big deal - this is a parking ticket to me, only instead of five dollars, it's ten million. Marie I don't care about losing all the money, it's losing all the stuff! Navin We're not going to lose the stuff, this is America. We're going to receive a fair trial from an impartial jury. [Inside a court house] (the judge and jury are all cock-eyed) Jury Foreman Your honor, we the jury find for the plaintiff. Judge I award to Mr. Reiner and the other 9,987,652 plaintiffs the full amount of the suit. Court is adjourned. Marie Navin! Navin (who is drinking) Honey, can't you see I'm drinking? [In Navin's office, at his house] (Navin is still drinking) Navin Pay to the order of Mrs. Wilbur Stark, one dollar and nine cents! (he licks the envelope closed) Pay to the order of Iron Balls McGinty, one dollar and nine cents! (Marie walks in) Why are you crying and why are you wearing that old dress? Marie Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were. Navin What was it? Marie The Way We Were. I get it. We've hit bottom. Navin No! Maybe you've hit bottom, but I haven't hit bottom yet! I got a ways to go. And I'm gonna to bounce back, and when I do, I'm going to buy a diamond so big it's going to make you puke! Marie I don't wanna puke! I don't want wealth! I just want you like you used to be! What happened to that man? Navin Me? What happened to the girl I believed in? The girl I fell in love with? The girl that believed in me? Well, there's plenty of places I can go where people believe in me! Marie Well go! The sooner you're out of my life, the sooner I can go back to being the girl in this little flowered dress that you sang the thermos song to. Navin Well I'm gonna to go then! And I don't need any of this! I don't need this stuff, (he pushes all of the letters off the desk), and I don't need you. I don't need anything except this (he picks up the ashtray) and that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this! The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this! And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair. [Outside the house] Navin And I don't need one other thing except my dog. (Shithead growls) Well I don't need my dog. (Various scenes of Navin as he travels along, carrying his remote control, his paddle ball, his matches, his lamp, his chair, his magazine, but not his dog. Eventually, Navin spots a woman carrying a red and white thermos. He trades everything he has for the thermos.) [Beside a theater (from the opening of the movie)] Navin So that's it. It's an old story, one you've probably heard before. But I never thought it would happen to me. (a station wagon pulls up, the driver yells out the window) Driver Hey, any of you bums ever heard of Navin R. Johnson? Navin I've heard of him! Driver Born in Mississippi? Navin Uh-huh. Driver Invented the Opti-grab? Navin I was just telling these guys! (he points at the camera) Father Son! Navin Daddy! Mother Navin, my baby! Sister Navin, how did we find you? Navin Taj! Taj Don't kiss me! Marie I called them the night you left. Navin How'd you find me? Father Well, I don't know - this is the first place we looked! Mother We're taking you home, and you're going to live with us. Taj It turns out Dad's a financial genius! Father All I did was take the money you sent home and embarked on a periodic investment in a no-load mutual fund. Taj He leveraged his ass deep in to soy beans and cocoa futures. Navin (to Marie) I picked out this thermos for you. I'd kiss you but I'm so dirty. Marie Dirt doesn't bother me. But the smell does! Oh, Navin! Father Son, uh, you better get in the back with the dog until we can get you hosed down. Marie I love you Navin. Navin I love you too. Taj Somebody open a window. Father Open all the windows! [The old homestead] Navin (his voice only) I was so glad to be going home. I remember those days when I sang and danced with my family on the porch of the old house. But things change and with all the additions to the family we had to tear down the old house, even though we loved it. But we built us a bigger one. (everyone is singing and dancing on the porch) Gonna jump down turn around pick a bail of cotton, Gonna jump down turn around pick a bail of hay... The end.