Happy Harry Hardon - Did you ever get the feeling that everything in America is 
completely fucked up. You know that feeling that the whole country is like one inch 
away from saying 'That's it, forget it.' You think about it. Everything is polluted. The 
environment, the government, the schools you name it. Speaking of schools. I was 
walking the households the other day and I asked myself. Is there live after high school? 
Because I can't face tomorrow, let alone a whole year of this shit. Yeah, you got it folks. 
It's me again with a little attitude for all you out here and waiting for Atlanta. All you 
nice people living in the middle of America the beautiful. Lets see, we're on er 92 FM 
tonight and it feels like a nice clean little band so far. No one else is using it. The price is 
right. Heh, heh. And yes folks you guest it. Tonight I am as horny as a ten peckerd house, 
so stay tuned because this is Happy Harry Hardon reminding you to eat your cereal with a 
fork and do your homework in the dark..

Murdock - Mr. Travis, Louis Travis. It's just for a second.

Mr Woodward - So, I'll pick you up after your yearbook.

Paige Woodward - Okay, dad.

Mr Woodward - And no big dates tonight, you have to be well rested for your History 

Paige - Okay.

Mazz - Yo Paige, anytime anywhere beautiful. Mr. Paige.

Nora Diniro - Oh, Miss Paige Woodward arriving.

Janie - So rich, so smart.

Nora - So perfect.

Murdock - Cheryl, good to see you. You're going to see the principal this morning.

Cheryl - Can you tell me what this is about.

Murdock - We'll see. Excuse Misses Creswood.

Luis Chavez - Yes.

Nora  - Check this out.

Janie - What is it?

Nora -  It's this guy. He's got a pirate radio station. Hiss name is Happy Harry Hardon. 
He's a total sex maniac.

Janie - Off course.

Nora - He comes on every night at ten o'clock.

Happy Harry Hardon - Okay, down to business. I got my wild cherry diet Pepsi and I got 
my Black Jack gum here and I got that feeling, mmm that familiar feeling that something 
rank is going down up there. Yeah, I can smell it. I can almost taste it. The rankness in 
the air. It's everywhere. It's running through that old pipeline out there, trickling along the 
dumb concrete river and coming up the drains of those lovely tracktones we all live in. I 
mean I don't know. Everywhere I look it seems everything is sold out.

Annie - They say this is where the reception is the coolest.

Johnathan - Then he'll probably live right around here.

Mazz - Fucking Yuppies.

Happy Harry Hardon - My dad sold out. And my mom sold out years ago when she had 
me. And then they sold me out when they brought me to this hole in the world. They 
made me everything I am today so naturally I hate the bastards. Speaking of which, I am 
running a contest on the best way to put them out of their misery. Tonight we have 
number twelve of one hundred things to do with your body when you're all alone. Now 
are you ready of the incredible sound of Happy Harry Hardon coming on his own face. 
Oh, my god, it's very possible you know. Oh, oh this is a champion one. I'm going for it. 
He's still growing. This... Yes, Happy Harry Hardon will go to any language to keep his 
three listeners glued with Huwy Bluwy to their radios. But the question is. How far will 
you go? How far can you go to amaze and discuss the sensational Happy Harry Hardon. I 
mean. How serious are you? I ask you that. dear listener.

Mr Woodward - Hi beautiful. You know I can't figure out how you manage to get such 
grades and you listen to that radio all night. You know. Tomorrow don't forget Yale 
interview. And I don't want you to look too sleepy. You know. Goodnight Sweetheart.

Happy Harry Hardon - I'm getting a lot of letters here guys. Here. Dear Happy Harry 
Hardon, my boyfriend won't talk to me anymore. How do I show him that I really love 
him? Look, I don't know anything about these letters asking for love advice. I mean, if I 
knew anything about love I would be out there making it instead of talking to you guys. 
So just send me stuff to box 20710, USA Mail Paradise Hill Mess Arizona 84012. 
Replies guarantied. Dear Harry, I think your boring and upknocktius and have a high 
opinion of yourself. Course I'm you I'll probably thinking I sent this to myself. I think 
school is okay. if you just look at it right. I like your music, but I really don't see why you 
can't be cheerful for one second. I tell you since you ask. I just arrived in this stupid 
suburb. I have no friends, no money, no car, no licence. And even if I did have a licence 
all I can do is drive out to some stupid mall. Maybe if I'm lucky play some fucking video 
games, smoke a joint and get stupid. You see, there's nothing to do anymore. Everything 
decents been done. All the great themes have been used up. Turned into theme parks. So I 
don't really find it cheerful to be living in totally exhausted decade where there is nothing 
to look forward to and no one to look up to. That was deep. Oh no, not again. The 
creature stirs. Oh God, I think it is going to be a gusher. This is the sixth time in an hour. 
Oh god...

Annie - He sounds like he chronically masturbated.

Johnathan - He prides himself on it.

Happy Harry Hardon - You see, I take care of it. Oh, or else I'm going to explode. I just... 
Excuse me while I... While I... While I... Oh yeah... Oh yeah... Oh yeah, this is the big 
one. I'm gonna explode... Oh, take cover Arizona here I come.

Mazz - Any time now, man.

Happy Harry Hardon - Oh God... Oh God... This is the best. Oh God yeah... Free at last, 
I'm beat. I'm whipped. It's quitting time. Gotta recuperate.

Mazz - There he goes. Some time he's on for five minutes, some time he's on for five 
hours. That's my man.

Marla Hunter - God, I feel so out of touch here.

Brian Hunter - We didn't move out here to stay in touch.

Marla Hunter - And why did we move out here?

Brian Hunter - Oh, because it's a nice place to live. I'm making good money and I'm the
youngest school commissioner in the History of Arizona.

Marla Hunter - Brian, you know what. The man I married loved his work. Not power and

Brian Hunter - That's all right I still love my work. And I love power and money.

Marla Hunter - Young radical Brain, you were always fighting against the system. And 
now you are...

Brian Hunter - I am the system, yeah. Is that a beer?

Mark Hunter (Happy Harry Hardon) - Sure!

Marla Hunter - Have you notice his behaviour lately?

Brian Hunter - What about him?

Marla Hunter - He's just so unhappy here.

Brian Hunter - I'll go talk to him.

Brian Hunter - Hi, what's up?

Mark - I was just looking for some stamps.

Brian Hunter - Oh fine, I got some right here. Sending a letter to one of your friends back 

Mark - No, I thought I might send away for an inflatable date.

Brian Hunter - You know, one of these days you're going to have to watch yourself 
young man.

Mark - I love it when you call me young man.

Brian Hunter - You know when I was your age I was in all the teams and a bunch of 
clubs. Look all I'm saying is that school must have some really terrific programs, it's very 
highly rated.

Mark - Just save it for the masses.

Brian Hunter - Mark, they've got twelve hundred students down there. Surely some of 
have gotta be cool.

Mark - Look the deal is I get decent grades and you guys leave me alone.

Janie - Okay so who is this guy?

Nora - I don't know, nobody knows who he is, but he really hates this school so I guess 
he goes here.

Janie - But all the guys that go here are geeks.

Nora - Maybe not my dear! Later

Janie - Later?

Jan Emerson - And so then the logi cars questioned the few remaining death spurs more 
and more they began to fade away until there was nothing left of them and they 
disappeared from the face of the earth.......... Hmm, pretty good hey? Leading with your 
heart, not your mind. I wondered if you would tell us what you were thinking when you 
wrote this?

Mark - I just wrote it late last night.

Jan - That's obvious it's practically a night book. Mark, I was hoping you'd share your 
feelings about it.  Saved by the bell. Don't think If I didn't read your 
composition it won't be read. Mark! We're looking for new writers for The Clarion. Don't 
be embarrassed of your talent.

Class - Morning Mr. Murdock

Murdock - I'm not stupid you know.

Creswood - This school is judged on one category only: Academic scores. The lesson of 
modern education is that nothing comes easily, no pain, no gain.

Murdock  - Excuse me everyone do you want to listen to this, it's the third this 
week. It's unbelievable.

Jan - 

Creswood - Jan! This is no laughing matter.

Nora - Hi!

Mark - Hi

Nora - You're in my writing class right.

Mark - Right.

Nora - Yeah I like Emerson (Jan) she's pretty funky.  Now you're in trouble!.... You owe me twenty five cents...... "How To Talk Dirty 
And Influence People" by Lenny Bruce. Who's he?... Any good?

Mark - He's alright.

Nora - Talk a lot.

Mark - Not to much no.

Nora - Cute, but no way!


Happy Harry Hardon - Guess who? It's ten o'clock do you care where your parents are? 
After all it's a jungle out there.  I don't know. Everywhere I 
look it seems that someone's getting butt surfed by the system. Parents are always talking 
about the system, and the sixties and how cool it was. Well look at where the sixties got 
them hey! Come on people now smile on your brother everybody together try and love 
one another right now!!! Now that was the sixties, this is a song from the nineties from 
my buddies the Descendants.  I hate the sixties, I hate school, I 
hate principals, I hate vice principles!! But my true pure refined hatred is reserved for 
guidance councillors. Happy Harry just happens to have in his very hands a copy of a 
memo written by Mr. David Deaver, guidance councillor extrordinaire to one Miss 
Loretta Creswood, high school principle. "I found Cheryl un-remorseful about her current 
condition" Bastard can't even say she's knocked up. "And she's unwilling to minimise it's 
affect on the morals of the student population." Guidance councillors!!!!! If they knew 
anything about career moves would they have ended up as guidance councillors? What 
do you say we call Deaver up hey? Happy Harry Hardon just happens to have the home 
phone numbers of every employee up at Paradise Hills. Here we go, there you are Mr. 
Deesky .

Deaver - Deaver residence, David Deaver speaking.

Happy Harry Hardon - Hey this is WKPS, we're doing a piece on high schools. We 
understand that your a guidance councillor.

Deaver - I'm head of guidance at Hubert Humphrey High in Paradise Hills Arizona. I've 
been there seven years.

Happy Harry Hardon - Can you tell me a bit about what you do.

Deaver - I run a comprehensive American values program, erm in which we discuss 
ethical situations, sex education and drug abuse.

Happy Harry Hardon - What do you say to young people who look around at the world 
and see it's become, like you know, a sleazy country, a place you just can't trust. Like 
your school for example. Why is it, it wins all of these awards and students are dropping 
out like flies, why..why is that. Now my listeners are interested in the decision to expel 
Cheryl Bates.

Deaver - I, erm, I'm not aware of anything like that, I don't know what you're talking 

Happy Harry Hardon - That is not true sir. "Cheryl refuses to accept suggestions of a 
more positive mental attitude towards her health and her future. I'm afraid I find no 
alternative, but to suggest suspension."

Deaver - Who is this? How did you get this number?

Happy Harry Hardon - Are you going to admit it sir.

Deaver - Admit what?

Happy Harry Hardon - That you're slime!

Deaver - Now just wait a minute.

Happy Harry Hardon - You interview a student and then you rat on her, you betray her 
trust, isn't that right Sir! Well as you can see, these guys are played 
out. Society is mutating so rapidly that anyone over the age of twenty has really no 
idea.... Err alright, back down to business. "I share a room with my older brother and 
nearly every night after he turns off his light he come over to my bed and gives me a few 
arm nookies and stuff and then makes me scratch his back and other refinements" It's 
about time we had some refinements on this show. "Then sooner or later he gets worked 
up and further a do he rubs his thing and makes me watch." Signed "I'm just screwed up" 
Well first of all you're not screwed up, your an unscrewed up reaction to a screwed up 
situation. Feeling screwed up at a screwed up time, in a screwed up place does not make 
you necessarily screwed up, if you catch my drift. Well as you know dear listeners if you 
enclose your number a reply is guaranteed. 

Miss Screwed Up - Hello

Happy Harry Hardon - This is Happy Harry Hardon, your live. Is this Miss Screwed Up.

Miss Screwed Up - Yes

Happy Harry Hardon - Well I have a couple of questions. How big is it, this thing you 
described? Is it bigger than a baby's arm..... What you don't remember or you don't want 
to tell me?.... Or maybe you made this whole thing up hey? Remember my dear I can 
smell a lie like a fart in a car.  Well it's too bad about that 
one actually, to me the real truth is always a bigger turn on. It doesn't have to be a big 
deal, it could be anything.

Mrs Kaiser - Malcolm have you finished your homework yet?

Malcolm - Yes.

Mrs Kaiser - Your father and I are downstairs, why don't you come and join us for once.

Malcolm - No.

Mrs Kaiser - Okay Malcolm have it your way.

Malcolm - Thanks.

Happy Harry Hardon - Send me your most pathetic moment, your most anything, as long 
as it's real. I mean I want the size, the shape, the feel, the smell. I want blood sweat and 
tears on these letters. I want brains and ectoplasm and cum spilled all over them. 
Hallelujah! And now , all my horny listeners, get one hand free because yes, the eat me 
beat me lady is back. "Come in. Every night you enter me like a criminal. You break into 
my brain, but you're no ordinary criminal. You put your feet up, you drink your can of 
Pepsi, you start to party, you turn up my stereo. Songs I've never heard, but I move 
anyway. You get me crazy, I say 'Do it.' I don't care just do it. Jam me, jack me, push me, 
pull me -talk hard!"............ I like that. Talk Hard. I like the idea that a voice can just go 
somewhere uninvited and just kind of hang out like a dirty thought in a nice clean mind. 
To me a thought is like a virus. You know, it can just kill all the healthy thoughts and just 
take over. That would be serious.

Nora - That would be totally serious.

Happy Harry Hardon - I know all of my horny listeners would love it if I would call up 
the eat me beat me lady. But no! Because she never encloses her number.

Nora - Tough look creepoid.

Happy Harry Hardon - Always the same red paper, the same beautiful black writing. 
She's probably a lot like me, a legend in her own mind. But you know what, I bet in real 
life she's probably not that wild. I bet she's kind of shy like so many of us who briskly 
walk the halls, pretending to be late for some class, pretending to be distracted. Hey 
poetry lady, are you really this cool? Are you out there? Are you listening? 

Nora - I'm always out here.

Happy Harry Hardon - I feel like I know you, and yet we'll never meet. Ah so be it... 
Now here's a song from my close personal buddies the Beastie Boys. A song that was so 
controversial they couldn't put it on their second album. What about a little night light.

Happy Harry Hardon - I just love being the rap king of Arizona. I don't know drugs are 
out, sex is out, politics are out, everything is on hold. I mean we definitely need 
something knew. We just keep waiting for some new voice to come out of somewhere 
and say "Hey wait a minute, what is wrong with this picture."  Well maybe this is the answer to everything, wouldn't that be nice hey.  "Dear 
Happy Harry Hardon do you think I should kill myself" Great! Signed "I'm Serious" And 
of course there is a number here.  Hello serious?

Malcolm - Yeah

Happy Harry Hardon - Are you okay?

Malcolm - Yep

Happy Harry Hardon - I guess what I'm asking is how serious are you, well how are you 
going to do it?

Malcolm - I'm gonna blow my fucking head off.

Happy Harry Hardon - O! Well do you have a gun.

Malcolm - No I'm going to use my finger genius.

Happy Harry Hardon - Alright. So where is this gonna take place hey?

Malcolm - Right here.

Happy Harry Hardon - Where is this alleged gun? Do you have it with you? Did you at 
least write a note? You have a reason don't you? Your not going to be one of those people 
who kills themselves and nobody has any idea of why they did it? Hey that's why we 
need a note pal!

Malcolm - I'm all alone.

Happy Harry Hardon - No, hey, maybe it's okay to be alone sometimes, everybody's 

Malcolm - You're not.

Happy Harry Hardon - I didn't talk to one person today, not..not counting teachers. I sit 
alone everyday you know, sitting on the stairwell eating my lunch, reading a book. What 
about you?   I hate that, now I'm depressed. Now I feel like killing 
myself, but I'm too depressed to bother.  
Great! He's got the phone of the hook. Rejected again, that's okay I'm use to it, terminal 
loneliness....... People always think they no who a person is but they're always wrong. 
Most parents have no idea. It's just that mine had me tested because I sit alone in my 
room alone, naked, wearing only a cock ring, heh heh! I mean it really bugs me, everyone 
knows what a person should be, who cares who I should be! You know, in real life I 
could be that anonymous nerd sitting across from you in Chem. Lab, staring at you so 
hard, you turn around, he tries to smile, but the smile just comes out all wrong. You just 
think how pathetic, then he just looks away and never looks back at you again. Well hey, 
who cares, that's my motto. Well sleep tight Cheryl, sleep tight Miss Refinements, sleep 
tight Poetry Lady, sleep tight Mr Serious, maybe you'll feel better tomorrow.

Jamie - Hey what's a cock ring, it sounds cool.

Alex - How should I know, maybe it's a ring with a cock on it.

Jamie - But he said he was wearing.

Mark - Hi

Paige - Hi.

Murdock - You know people this dancing is a privilege and it will be taken away if it's 
abused, do you understand that?

Nora - Hi, got a stick of gum. Black Jack!... You really as horny as a ten peckerd 
house?..... Hi my names Nora, what's yours?

Mark - Mark.

Nora - Mark! Well hi Mark.

Mark - Hi.

Nora - Listen, I was gonna cut fourth period, do you wanna join me for a smoke in the 
arts clay room.

Mark - Er, no, I can't, got to go, sorry.

Nora - Sorry!

Murdock - These dam tapes keep cropping up all over the place, they were playing this in 
the alcove.

Mr. Moore - Who is this guy anyway, everyday there's more graffiti.

Mr. Stern - I don't know, but he's turning the school upside down.

Jan - Has anybody seen Luis Chavez he wasn't in my class today.

Mr. Stern - Mine either.

Creswood - Turn that off, I've got an announcement to make.

Jan - I have some very upsetting news. Last night one of our students, Malcolm Kaiser 
took his own life, for those of you who knew him, there will be a memorial service at 
Dempsey hill on Friday. I know it hurts, it's painful to lose someone.

Mark (Reads silently) - "You're the voice crying out in the wilderness, your the voice that 
makes my brain burn and make my guts go gooey. Yeah you gut me, my insides spill on 
your alter and tell the future, my steaming gleaming guts spill out your nature. I know 
you, not your name, but your game. I know the true you, come to me or I'll come to you."

Nora - So you are him! Don't worry I'm not going to bust you or anything... Aren't you 
going to ask who I am?

Mark - I don't think so, no!

Nora - I'm the eat me beat me lady!   So you don't believe me. "I know you, not your 
name, but your game. I know the true you, come to me or I'll come to you."  Hey relax, 
I'm not really like that, except when I am.

Mark - Look it's not your fault. I was listening last night. I didn't think he'd go through 
with it.

Marla - Mark,  we heard about Malcolm Kaiser, we know.

Brian - We were just wondering if you knew him?

Mark - No not really.

Brian - Mark, I'm going to ask you something. Your mother and I have been talking and I 
guess we realise...

Marla - Mark, basically we thought you might benefit from seeing a psychiatrist.

Mark - Is it that obvious.

Marla - No honey of course not. We think you're perfect, it's just that you seem so sad 
and lonely all the time.

Brian - And we just want you to feel good about your self.

Marla - You had friends in New York Hun.

Brian - Have you ever tried to meet people here at all?

Marla - Have you ever just walked up to a girl here and said 'Hi'?

Mark (Trying to make an exit) - Look the girls here, there different, I can't talk to them!

Marla - How are they different?

Brian - I was taking to your English teacher today.

Mark - C'mon Dad please! It's creepy enough around there without you snooping around.

Brian - And she says you've got a great promise as a writer, but that you're having trouble 

Mark - So when is Johnny gonna concentrate, get happy, get a girl friend and then write a 
best seller?

Brian - Fine! You don't listen, you don't talk to me, you don't talk to anyone, you hate 

Mark - I can't talk to you people and I certainly aint gonna see a shrink.

Brian - Listen Mark! Everyone's got problems, not just you, but you aint gonna solve 
them if you don't communicate them.

Marla - Okay! He's gone back down stairs.

Shep Sheppard - And so family and friends of Malcolm Kaiser sadly come and go into 
the night even as phantom DJ Happy Harry Hardon prepares to broadcast anonymously 
from somewhere in this formerly peaceful community. This is Shep Sheppard reporting 
live from Paradise Hills, Arizona. Back to you Bill.

Mark - Yeah back to you.

Happy Harry Hardon - You see I never planned it like this. My dumb Dad got me this 
short wave radio set so I could just speak to my friends back east, but I couldn't reach 
anybody, I thought I was talking to nobody. I imagined that nobody listening. Maybe I 
imagined one person out there, anyway one day I woke up and I realised I was never 
going to be normal and so I said fuck it, I said so be it and Happy Harry Hardon was 
born. I never meant to hurt anyone, honestly I never meant to hurt anyone. I'm sorry 
Malcolm. I never said "Don't do it" I'm sorry. Erm anyway I'm done, stick a fork in me 
it's been grand. This is Happy Harry Hardon saying sionara, over and out.

Nora - Come on you can't do this.

Paige - This is a joke right?

Mazz - C'mon Harry baby, don't stiff.

Mark - What am I doing. Fuck It!

Happy Harry Hardon - You hear about some kid who did something stupid, something 
desperate. What possessed him. How could he do such a terrible thing. It's really quite 
simple actually. Consider the life of a teenager. You have parents, teachers telling you 
what to do. You have movies, magazines, and TV telling you what to do. But you know 
what you have to do. Your job, your purpose, is to get accepted, get a cute girl friend, and 
think up something great to do with the rest of your life. What if you're confused and 
can't imagine a career? What if you're funny looking and you can't get a girl friend? You 
see no one wants to hear it, but the terrible secret is that being young is sometimes less 
fun than being dead.

Shep Sheppard - This is great he's making it worse.

Happy Harry Hardon - Suicide is wrong, but the interesting thing about it is how 
uncomplicated it seems. There you are, you got all these problems swarming around your 
brain, and here is one simple, one incredibly simple solution. I'm just surprised it doesn't 
happen every day around here. No now they're going to say I said offing yourself is 
simple, but no, no, no, no, it's not simple. It's like everything else you have to read the 
fine print. For instance, assuming there is a heaven who would ever wanna go there, you 
know. I mean think about it, sitting on this cloud, you know it's nice, it's quiet, there's no 
teachers, there's no parents, but guess what? There's nothing to do. Fucking boring. 
Another thing to remember about suicide is that it is not a pretty picture. First of all, you 
shit your shorts you know. So there you are dead, people are weeping over you, crying, 
girls you never spoke to are saying, "Why? Why? Why?" and you have a load in your 
shorts. That's the way I see it. Sue me. Now, they're saying I shouldn't think stuff like 
this. They're saying something is wrong with me, that I should be ashamed. Well, I'm sick 
of being ashamed. Aren't you?

Nora - Sick to death!

Happy Harry Hardon - I don't mind being dejected and rejected, but I'm not going to be 
ashamed about it.

Nora - Alleuelya

Happy Harry Hardon - At least pain is real. You look around and you see nothing is real, 
but the pain is real. You know, even this show isn't real. This isn't me; I'm using a voice 
disguiser. I'm a phoney fuck just like my Dad, just like anybody. You see, the real me is 
just as worried as the rest of you. They say I'm disturbed, well of course I'm disturbed. I 
mean we're all disturbed, and if we're not, why not? Doesn't this blend of blindness and 
blandness want to make you do something crazy? Then why not do something crazy? It 
makes a hell of a lot of sense than blowing you fucking brains out you know. Go nuts, go 
crazy, get creative! You got problems? You just chuck'em, nuke'em! They think you're 
moody? Make'em think you're crazy, make'em think you might snap! They think you got 
attitude? You show'em some real attitude! Come on, go nuts, get crazy. Hey no more Mr. 
Nice Guy. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, oh god!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, oh yes.   Time out!  This is good, this is really very interesting.

Chris - Hello

Happy Harry Hardon - Hi it's me you're on the air. Are you willing to tell my listeners 
what you told me here in this letter? Do you think they're ready to handle it.

Chris - I'm not ashamed.

Happy Harry Hardon - So tell us what happened.

Chris - This guy I knew, he invited me up to the ridge and I wasn't really sure why, but I 
was really happy because he's a pretty cool guy, he's an athlete and everything.

Happy Harry Hardon - First of all where was this and how old are you.

Chris - It was just before school. I'm sixteen.

Happy Harry Hardon - Go ahead.

Chris - So we get up there, we take our shirts off and we start fooling around and then I 
sought of told him how much I liked him, he just smiled and said he knew it. But then, he 
says why don't we take our pants off and get a tan, so I did it, but he stalled.

Happy Harry Hardon - Go ahead.

Chris - Then two of his friends showed up and they were drinking beer and laughing and 
they took my clothes and threw them up in the trees. I didn't know what to do. I started to 
cry but they just laughed at me so I stopped and they just started calling me things. I don't 
even care about that. I know I'm into guys, but this was different.

Happy Harry Hardon - So what did you do?

Chris - Everything, everything they told me.

Deaver - I'm calling the police. Fraud! Pornography! He's just using these poor kids.

Police Dispatcher - That's the thirteenth call tonight.

Police Officer - Sounds like the kids bull shitting to me.

Detective #1 - I don't know, these things happen when you're a kid, you swallow it 

Detective Denny - I think you're forgetting what it's like when you're young.

Shep's Boss - C'mon Shep. They got this kid to call in with this story they've concocted, 
this isn't real.

Shep Sheppard - Who cares if it's real? People are riveted.

Detective Denny - No! If people are re-broadcasting this stuff over state lines, I think it's 
time to call in the Feds. This is F.C.C. juristiction.

Chris - I feel bad that I didn't even do anything. Now he wont even talk to me, he wont 
even look at me. I'm pretty confused!

Happy Harry Hardon - Confused! You're not the one who is confused. You sound like 
you know exactly what's going on. If any ones confused it's those guys out there.

Chris - I know, but I think about him a lot. I sometimes wonder why one person is born 
one way and another person is born another way..... Are you there?

Happy Harry Hardon - Yes, yes!

Chris - So I guess you think I'm a faggot wimp hey?

Happy Harry Hardon - No! I'm just thinking how strong people can be and how everyone 
is alike in some way, how everyone needs the same things.

Chris - So what are we going to do about this.

Happy Harry Hardon - I don't know. That's the big question isn't it hey?

Chris - I guess nobody knows hah. Well that's tough, I got to go, se ya.

Happy Harry Hardon - I guess we all got to go now. Good night pal, good night friends.

Nora - "Believe It Or Not I Care: 8:30 - 3:30." What's that.

Janie - Some new hot line Deaver's setting up.

Nora - Hey it's like 8:30 in the morning so it's alright to kill myself!

Janie - Oh my god it's after 3:00 so I'm totally fucked.

Nora - Hi!

Janie - What are you doing........ Tramp!

Nora - Bitch!

Creswood - How's he getting all this information? I want all the locks in the school 
changed. I want a list of every student with relatives on the staff.

Murdock - Excuse me. I just found the graffiti on the roof of the cafeteria, they're taking 
it down now.

Creswood - What's it say?

Murdock - "Creswood's a maggot puss wad."

Donald - Nobody knows who he is.

Creswood - We don't believe you Donald.

Donald - I swear to you, nobody's got an idea.

Murdock - Well you've got to the end of the day to get an idea. Don't forget, your file is 
under review.

Creswood - You better bring all you enrolment files here to my office.

Doug - So what did they do to you?

Joey - Hey! You Donald?

Donald - Yeah

Joey - Hi! I'm Joey can you get me into the P.A.

Creswood - That's the end of the music in The Alcove and from now on any found 
defacing of school property will be expelled.

Creswood - What's happening? What's going on?

Murdock - It's Mr Deaver!

Mr Moore - It wont stop, they're in the speaker system.

Creswood - Shut it off, shut off the whole system.

Mr Moore - We can't!

Creswood - Shut down the whole school!

Mazz - Hey you! Check it out, you're the TV guy right? Hey you want to interview me, 
hey because I listened the first night he was on, I'm like a mate of his. I used to go here, 
but they chucked me out for no reason you know.  Hey check it out, school colours you know, instant prep rally. Jesus the 
smog's getting worse and worse in this town. 

Shep Sheppard - This is Shep Sheppard reporting live from deep in the smoke at 
Humphrey High.

Murdock - Sit down.

Mazz - So anybody mind if I smoke?

Creswood - You do understand that you're expelled Mr Mazzilli?

Mazz - That's cool.

Creswood - I can quite legally expel you.

Mazz - Yo! Loretta, I'm already expelled. Don't you remember? You booted me out the 
first week for dress code.

Creswood - You're trespassing. How would you like to be arrested.

Mazz - Well that's cool too, 'cos I told them cameras to wait. I've got a lot to tell them 
you know.

Creswood - And who's going to believe you, tell me who's going to believe you?

Mazz - Maybe Harry would.

Nora - It's cool, it's safe. Guess what I heard?

Mark - What?

Nora - That tall snob Paige Woodward, she burned up all her shit last night right after you 
suggested it, in her kitchen! Oh her precious pearls were flying like bullets, her Dad was 

Mark - This is out of control.

Nora - Yeess!

Mark - That's it, it's over. I just hope it isn't too late.

Nora - Mark!

Mark - Just leave me alone okay, please!

Reporter #2 - Is that box registered to any name?

Postal Clerk - Yes of course that box is registered to a name, but I can't give it out to you.

Detective Denny -  But you can to me.

Postal Clerk - Yes sir I can give it to you. I'll give it to you instantly. That box is 
registered to a Mr. Charles U. Farely, 112 Crescent.

Reporter #2 - But that's the address of the school.

Detective Denny - Chuck You Farely, ha ha. 

Marla - Are you okay Mark?

Mark - Don't worry Mum. I'm not going to blow up the kitchen.

Marla - Very funny darling.

Brian - Listen to this. Mark have you ever even listened to this character.

Mark - No, not exactly listened.

Brain - Well he's knocking the best school in the district and apparently he goes there.

Mark - Dad it's not exactly the best school in the district. There are some problems with 

Brian - You don't rock the boat especially when you're sitting in it. Any way we should 
get going, I don't want to be late.

Marla! - C'mon Mark it's your fathers big meeting.

Creswood - Good evening on be half of myself and the staff at Hubert Humphrey High I 
wish to thank you for turning out in such numbers, I congratulate you on your concern. 
Now before we begin I would like to introduce our new school commissioner, fresh from 
several educational triumphs on the east coast, Brian Hunter. Before I introduce the rest 
of our speakers for this evening.

PTA. Parent #1 - Excuse me Mrs Creswood, can we just skip the preliminaries and find 
out what you're doing about all this.

Creswood - Well when I introduce Mr Deaver he'll talk about our twenty four hour hot 

PTA. Parent #1 - Wait a minute, the kids who need the most help like those with drug 
problems, they don't go in for all that.

PTA. Parent #2 - I know kids. I mean they just wanna be happy.

PTA. Parent #3 - Frankly, this radio person is the whole problem. Are we going to allow 
this guy to be heard by anyone who turns a dial.

PTA. Parent #4 - I work with teenage gangs in the city I say we go after this guy.

Paige - My name is Paige Woodward and I have something to say to you people. People 
are saying that Harry is introducing bad things and encouraging bad things. But it seems 
to me that these things were already here. My god why don't you people listen? He's 
trying to tell you something is wrong with this school. Half the people that are here are on 
a probation of some kind. We are all really scared to be who we really are. I am not 
perfect. I've just been going through the motions of being perfect, and inside I'm 

Creswood - Paige, you were a model student.

Reporter #2 - Do you know who he is? Are you prepared to do anything he says?

Paige -  Can you hear me? Don't listen to them, don't listen to 
any of them, stay on, stay hard!

Reporter #2 - Are you on drugs?

Paige - Arrrgh. Talk Hard. Arrrrrgh.

Mark - I've got a lot of homework I'm gonna take off alright.

Marla - Mark I know why your really going home. It's because you wanna listen to that 
show tonight don't you?

Nora - Hi! What are you doing? You having fun?

Mark - Yeah.

Nora - Hey, look I took some of these off the wall for you. I mistakingly thought you 
might want them.

Mark - Thanks.

Nora - So I guess you're not going on tonight.

Mark - Brilliant.

Nora - Is this all just a game to you. You know you can't just shout fire in a theatre and 
walk out. You have a responsibility for the people who believe in you. What is this? 
C'mon say something, say anything. Open your mouth and say get the hell out of here 

Mark - I can't.

Nora - You can't what?

Mark - I can't talk.

Nora - Sure you can talk.

Mark - I can't talk to you.

Happy Harry Hardon - I got a letter from this guy who's got a problem, he can't talk. I 
mean he can talk, but never when he wants to, not to girls, not to people.

Brian - I can't believe it's as bad as they say.

Happy Harry Hardon - He just opened up his mouth and nothing came out. And this jerk 
finds somebody that he likes, which is probably the worst thing to happen to a person 
who can't talk. So I don't know what to tell this guy because lately every time I give out 
advice the fit hits the shan. So I don't know, maybe the best thing to do is just turn around 
and face the music and try to talk.

Marla - Mark!

Mark - Coming.

Marla - Mark it's just us. I wanna come in for a minute.

Mark - Yeah, just give me a second here, two seconds.

Brian - Mark unlock the door.

Marla - Mark can you hear us?

Mark - Yes, yes.

Marla - We wanna come in.

Brian -  Open the god dam door.

Mark - On my way.

Brian - Your mother and I have been out there for two minutes, what the hell are you 
doing in there.

Mark - I was just reading.

Marla - Oh c'mon Mark we heard you, we heard you talking.

Mark - I was reading aloud.

Brian - Oh c'mon do you really expect us to believe that?

Mark - Okay I'll tell you the truth.

Nora - He was talking to me. Hi I'm Nora Diniro.

Marla - Nice to meet you, how do you do.

Nora - I was afraid you would be mad at me for disturbing Mark's homework.

Marla - You don't know how happy we are to meet you.

Nora - Listen I got to go, but it was really nice to have met you, bye Mark.

Marla - No, you don't have to go. Mark she doesn't have to go.

Nora - Bye now, see you tomorrow.

Brian - You've been a bad dog haven't you. You know for a second there we though you 
were that crazy DJ character.

Mark - Maybe he's not that crazy Dad.

Brian - Right! Very funny. Go get her, go on.  That's my idea of 
home work.

Marla - Yeah.

Happy Harry Hardon - Sorry about that folks, technical difficulties. Lets see who we have 
out there tonight hey. The usual band of teenage malcotets. I certainly hope so, because 
Happy Harry Hardon is feeling kind of rude tonight.

Brian - That little leech.

Marla - Like father, like son.

Happy Harry Hardon - Oh I feel good, dam  
Well, well, well, well. The big news! The emergency PTA meeting to discuss your truly. 
Yes all the professionals have come out to talk about little old me and now they've all run 
home to tune in and listen to what they've all been talking about. They say that I am 
dillusioned, demented, deranged and so guess what I say, SO BE IT! I say rise up in the 
cafeterias and stab them with your plastic forks. I say flogging and flactuance for Mrs 
Creswood, she gets a hundred lashes for every kid she's hounded out of that fucking 
place. I say down with all guidance councillors, make them work for a living. I can't stay 
away from this man. Oh I got to give him another call. Here I come Deave.

Police Dispatcher - Hot line. Believe it or not we care.

Happy Harry Hardon - Believe it or not this is Happy Harry Hardon and I would like the 
pleasure of speaking to Mr Deaver.

Police Dispatcher - Just a moment, I'll see if he's available.

Happy Harry Hardon - I love it, the bitch is putting me on hold. I'm waiting for you. You 
can run, but you can not hide Mr Deaver. Waiting for the Deave.                                 

Deaver - Hello my young friend.

Happy Harry Hardon - You're in on it right Mr Deaver.

Deaver - It's all over son this phone call has been traced and who ever you are, your 

Happy Harry Hardon - Well, so be it, alleuelya.

Mazz - Don't just sit there man, run!

Happy Harry Hardon - Don't worry about me, I'm alright. You see I bet what's happening 
out there is that the police are busting some old couple who have been un-knowingly 
supplying me with my phone fees. I am everywhere. I am inside each and every single 
one of you. Just look in and I will be there waving out at yeah, naked wearing only a cock 
ring, heh, heh. Wow, time flies when you're on the run. I'm gonna cut out now with this 
unusual song I'm dedicating to an unusual person who makes me feel kind of unusual.

Nora - It's okay you don't have to talk, you don't have to say anything and you don't have 
to do anything, unless you want to.

Mark - You're so different.  I meant your so fearless. I wish I 
could be like you.

Nora - You are.

Mark - I wish I could say things to you.

Nora - You do.

Mark - Everything's so strange.

Nora - Yeah.

Mark - Maybe we're just crazy.

Nora - So be it.

Nora - It's the cops!

Mark - It's okay. I think they're just dropping in on my neighbour.

Nora - So are you really wearing a cock ring.

Mark - I've never even seen one.

Nora - Oh yeah.

Mark - Yeah, I read about them in a magazine.

Nora - Maybe I don't believe you. 

Mark - I swear, what are you doing. I have neighbours, stop!

Nora - So you can talk when you want to.

Mark - Yes I can.

Nora - Maybe we should pause first stage personal identification. I got to go.

Shep Sheppard - It's been three days since the death of Malcolm Kaiser and state and 
local officials have still little idea of the identity of this so called Happy Harry Hardon or 
though many are convinced he is a student at this school.

Nora - Hi.

Mark - Are you okay.

Nora - Yeah, are you.

Mark - Yeah.

Nora - This is deep your message is out there. "The Truth Is A Virus"

Mark - Oh God! Jesus, this whole thing is making me ill.

Nora - Mark what is with you.

Mark - Look Nora last night was a mistake, I'm not going on any more, it's over.

Nora - But your so close.

Mark - Close to what.

Nora - To getting your message across.

Mark - This is my life you're screwing around with here you know.

Nora - Not any more it isn't, this is everyone's life. Mark you can't leave it like this, 
people are confused.

Mark - So am I.

Nora - Mark!

Mark - The things fucked up, it's crazy!

Nora - No, no the world is fucked up just like you said. Don't you see that you're the 
voice, you're the voice we're all waiting for.

Mark - You're completely nuts. 

Nora - Yeah, well you make me nuts.

Creswood  - No Brian everything is under control. I've 
just ordered psychiatric evaluations on a couple of the key trouble makers. I can do what 
ever I like, it's my school, Commissioner. No you're not coming over here, you'll only 
upset me more good bye!
 Well shall we have a look at these 
files, or shall we discuss the identity of  our DJ friend.

Murdock - Don't push me people, you understand that. 

Cheryl - They got forced to take me back.

Murdock - Where're you going?

Mazz - I'm putting this up.

Murdock - You're not putting anything up. You're not supposed to be here. 

Mazz - Hey, hey! Murdock you're getting so touchy.

Murdock - Your not supposed to be here. 

Jan - Stop, that's enough. What's wrong with you? He was beating a student. What's 
wrong with this school?

Creswood - Control yourself.

Jan - I will not. I want answers.

Creswood - Or suffer the consequences.

Jan - What are you talking about.

Creswood - I'm talking about your dismissal.

Mark - Nora, I've been looking all over for you. I just wanted to apologise for saying you 
were nuts.

Nora - Forget it. Look  F.C.C. you 
know what that means.

Mark - Yeah, it means Federal Communication Commission. They can drive around and 
triangulate where ever the hell a radio signals coming from. I know exactly what it 

Nora - Yeah, so fuck it right. I mean it's over. Frankly I don't even give a shit.

Mark - What the hell is wrong.

Nora - I just got expelled.

Mark - What the hell are you talking about.

Nora - I'm failing Math.

Mark - They can't kick you out for that.

Nora - I've been cutting lessons.

Mark - Well that just deserves a suspension right.

Nora - Well then I said "Fuck You" to Creswood. You should have seen her face, she was 
so happy she said "Thank You"

Mark - This school sucks. Jesus Christ!

Nora - This is why I don't even care anymore. Look just leave it alone. There's nothing 
you can do about it. 

Jan - Hunter! Hunter wait a minute. I just wanted to say good bye and good luck.

Mark - Why?

Jan - I was fired, I made a mistake. I thought I could change things, I forgot you don't 
rock the boat.

Mark - Yeah especially when you're in it.

Jan - Hey, chin up.

Brian - Loretta what the hell is going on here.

Creswood - It's the trouble makers, you can't run a top school with trouble makers in the 

Brian - Okay, so what exactly is a trouble maker.

Creswood - Someone who has no interest in education.

Brian - Oh c'mon that includes every teenager I know.

Creswood - Can't you understand that nothing is more important than a good education.

Brian -  Except for the basic right to it.

Creswood - The point is I have the highest S.A.T. scores in the state.

Brian - Yeah but how.

Creswood - I stand by my record.

Shep Sheppard - Mr. Watts, Shep Sheppard Channel Six news here.

Watts - Good evening.

Shep Sheppard - How does Washington intend to deal with this situation.

Watts - We at the F.C.C. feel that democracy is about protecting the rights of the ordinary 
citizen. Un-regulated radio would result in programming of the lowest common 
denominator, the rule of the mob.  This is vandalism, not free expression.

Mazz - Okay everybody, ten seconds to Happy Harry Hardon. Ten, nine, eight, seven, 
six, five, four, three, two, one. Harrrrrry! C'mon we're right here waiting for you right 

Mark - Hi.

Nora - Hi.

Mark - Are you okay?

Nora - Yeah, fine, great, never been better.

Mark - We started something here.

Nora - We!

Mark - Alright I started, but now I need your help to finish it. Nora I need you.

Nora - Well it's about time.

Mark - I've got something to show you.

Nora - Is it bigger than a baby's arm.

Mark - No it's outside. 

Nora - Oh wow.

Mark - It's my Mums jeep she kind of loaned it to me.

Nora - Who did all this?

Mark - Me and radio shack. You have driven a jeep before right?

Mr. Watts - Personally I hope we get to hear from him a little bit before they nab him it 
will be interesting to see how hard he is then.

Happy Harry Hardon - Hello Dad we're going to jail.

Nora - Say hi to Mom.

Happy Harry Hardon - Hi folks! It seems we have a new listener tonight. Mr Watts of the 
F.C.C. Hi Arthur thanks for coming out.

Watts - Well thank you for coming out.

Happy Harry Hardon - Imagine a fucking political hag being in charge of free speech in 
America. I bet Watts was the guy who took names at high school when the teacher was 

Watts - This is the problem with free speech. Would you cut that thing, cut it off. Would 
you just turn the dam thing off. He's obviously moving just pull everything over on 

Happy Harry Hardon - Welcome to radio free America. America's ready, I'm ready. I 
want a million voices crying out in the wilderness. Jesus let's get serious. Maybe Mr. 
Watts can shed some light no the mysterious disappearances of some of our students. 
Luis Chavez age fifteen, legally kicked out on September 26th. Arthur Washington age 
sixteen, expelled September 27th.

Creswood - So what does this prove, not everyone goes to college.

Murdock -Right.

Jan - Mr. Hunter I think you should be aware of something. After the school received the 
money from the government for every enrolled student, Mrs Creswood would then 
proceed to weed out those she felt were undesirable.

Creswood - Nonsense she doesn't know what she's talking about.

Jan - In the first weeks you flagged all the pupils with low S.A.T. scores and started files 
on them. Why?

Creswood - What are you doing with school property?

Brian - She asked you why.

Jan - For extra tutoring.

Brian - You expelled over twenty students in the first thirty days of school.

Jan - And how many others did you harass into dropping out.

Brian - And you kept the expelled students names on the rolls that's illegal.

Creswood - The money went to the school, it was all for the good of the school.

Jan - Those kids had rights.

Creswood - They were losers.

Murdock - Trouble makers.

Deaver - They're just kids.

Creswood - I don't regret my policy.

Brian - It's criminal and I'm suspending you.

Creswood - You can't do that.

Brian - Oh I'm afraid I just did.

Mark - Oh Jesus my harmoniser.

Nora - Forget it, hold on I've got to get us out off here.

Mark - I need that to disguise my voice.

Nora - Well give me a minute maybe we can fix it.

Mark -  Jesus look at this. Fuck it, I'm going 
on with out it.

Nora - No, I think I got it.

Mark - Okay this is really me now, no more hiding. Listen we're all worried, we're all in 
pain, that just comes with having eyes with having ears, but just remember one thing it 
can't get any worse, it can only get better. I mean high school is the bottom. Being a 
teenager sucks, but that's the point, surviving it is the whole point. Quitting is not going 
to make you strong, living will. So just hang on and hang in there.  You know I know all 
about the hating and the sneering, I'm a member of the why bother generation myself. But 
why did I bother coming out here tonight and why did you? I mean it's time, it begins 
with us not with politicians, the experts of the teachers, but with us, with you and with 
me, the ones who need it most. I believe with everything that's in me that the whole world 
is begging for healing, even the trees and the earth its self are crying out for it, you can 
hear it everywhere. It's the same kind of healing I desperately needed and finally feel has 
begun with you. Everyone mix it up, it's not game 
over yet, it's just the beginning, but it's up to you. I'm calling for every kid to seize the air. 
Steal it, it belongs to you. Speak out, they can't stop you. Find your voice and use it. Keep 
this going. Pick a name, go on air. It's your life, take charge of it. Do it, try it, try 
anything. Spill your guts out and say shit and fuck a million times if you want to, but you 
decide. Fill the air, steal it. Keep the air alive...................... .. 
...................................................... TALK HARD!!!!

The above dialogue was from the movie "Pump Up The Volume" (c)1990 New Line 
Cinema. And was rewritten without permission.

Originally Written by Allan Moyle

Extracted from the film by Martin Eaves