The Adventures Of Priscilla Queen of the Desert 1. Mitzi. I've never been to me. Heckles from the crowd, and eventually someone throws an empty beer can at her head. Felicia comes out to help Mitzi up. Felicia. Are you okay? Mitzi. Yeah. Mitzi goes to the dressing room, leaving Felicia on stage. Felicia. Oh well that was fucking charming you gutless pack of dickheads! Heckler. Oh fuck off you tallentless dog! Felicia. What was that? Heckler. Show us your pink bits. Felicia. No, I don't think I will. Now do you know why this microphone has such a long cord? So it's easily retrieved after I've shoved it up your arse! 2. Hotel dressing room Felicia. What the fuck's going on out there tonight? Are you hurt? Alright, which one of you bitches shat on my breasts? A very glamourous phone is placed in front of Tick. "Tick darling, it's for you" Tick. Hello? Woman's voice. Ding Dong! Avon calling. Howdy sunshine. Long time no hear. 3. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR FLASHBACK. A doctor rips off his surgical mask and hands it to the nurse. Doctor. Where? Nurse. Emergency Ward A Door fling open as he see's Mitzi, done up in ellaborate drag. Doctor. Mr Belrose? Mitzi. Yes. 4. HOTEL DRESSING ROOM. Woman's voice. So how about it? 5. ON STREET Fights are going on, and it is raining 6. BERNADETTE'S APPARTMENT Phone rings and a manly hand picks up the reciever. Bernadette. (crying) Yeah? Tick. Bernadette, it's Tick. Sorry to call you so late, but I…. Hey are you okay? Bernadette. No, I'm not. Tick. Whats the matter? Bernadette. Trumpet just died. 7. CEMETARY Group of people, including drag queens, and others, for Trumpet's funeral. Following funeral. Bernadette. It's not fair. I've spent half my life and all my life savings trying to snag a sympathetic husband and the selfish shit goes and dies on me. Tick. Twenty five years old and he goes and slips in a bathroom. Bernadette. He didn't slip. He was peroxiding his hair at home again and he asphyxiated on the fume. Tick. I've got to get some space. I've been offered a job out of town… Bernadette. That's nice. Tick. Why don't you come with me? I need some help and I think we could both use the break. Bernadette. You're not wrong. Where is it? Tick. Alice Springs. Bernadette. You've got to be fucking joking. 8. TICK'S APPARTMENT. Tick is demonstrating a gaudy arrangement of facial products to a potential customer. Tick. Wo-man is a unique range of specialty facial products designed for the more…….heavy duty woman in all of us. Now this week… phone rings excuse me. Bernadette. How long is the run? Tick. Four weeks. Equity Minimum, two shows a night, accomodation included. Bernadette. I can't just sit around here crying all the time. Jesus. My mascara keeps running, I look like a raccoon. Tick. Good girl. That's the spirit. Bernadette. Here's hoping the desert is big enough for the two of us… Tick. Ahhhh Three of us. 9. TICK'S APPARTMENT Adam. Singing. A desert Holiday Let's pack the drag away. You take the lunch and tea I'll take the ecstasy. Fuck off you silly queer I'm getting outta here. A desert Holiday Hip hip hip hip hooray! Bernadette. Why? Tick. Why not? Look, he's turned into a bloody good little performer. Bernadette. That's right. A bloody good little performer. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. I thought we were getting away from all this shit! Adam. Two's company three's a party Bernadette my sweet. Bernadette. We're unplugging our curling wands and going bush, Felicia. Why would you possibly want to leave all this glamour for a hike into the middle of nowhere? Adam. Do you really want to know? Bernadette. Desperately. Adam. Well, ever since I was a lad, I've had a dream. A dream that I now, finally, have a chance to fulfil. Bernadette. And that is? Adam. To travel to the centre of Australia, to climb kings canyon, as a queen, in a full length Gautier sequin, heels and a tiara. Bernadette. Great, that's just what this country needs. A cock in a frock on a rock. Tick. Oh get back in your kennels, both of you. Now the first thing we have to work out is how we're going to get there. 10. CITY STREET. Adam climbs down off a silver bus Adam. Taa daaa What do you think? Tick. When do we have to return it to the school? Adam. We don't. We own it. Tick. What? Adam. I met some nice sweedish tourists called Lars, Lars and Lars, and coaxed it out of them for ten thousand bucks. Bernadette. But we can't afford it. Adam. Well, that's right. Grabs a bottle of champagne and looks at it admiringly. Mummy, maybe a trip to the outback would help me get over this little phase I'm going through. I hereby christen this budget barbi camper "Priscilla, Queen of the desert." Smashes bottle on roo bar of bus. Bernadette. That's got to be the understatement of the century 12. TICK'S APPARTMENT WO-MAN Products are being stuffed into bags. 13. BERNADETTES APPARTMENT. An enormous shoe collection. 14. ADAM'S APPARTMENT Adam argues with his mother about what he will take. 15. CITY STREET OUTSIDE HOTEL Cuts to start of the Epic Jog across the continent, and also to the Bus, as it is preparing to leave. The crowd at the bus is overpowering the small crowd starting the jogger. Bernadette. Ladies, Start your engines. 16. BUS TRAVELLS ALONG WHILE SINGING 17. BERNADETTE DRIVING 18. ADAM IS DRIVING 19. TICK IS DRIVING Adam. How long have we been on the road? Bernadette. Four and a half hours Adam. Christ. I've got a splitting headache already goes to the makeshift drinks fridge. Happy hour!!!! Bernadette. Mother's ruin pour moi! Tick. Long Island tea. Adam. And a stolli and tonic for me. 20. COUNTRY PLAINS. 21. BUS. Adam is driving. Tick. Well listen to this one. After we did the Abba show, Kevin had one of those liposuction penis enlargements. Adam. He didn't? Tick. You know what they do? They siphon all the fat out of your love handles and actually inject it into your wing wang Adam. Yucky tuu. I suppose it gives a whole new meaning to "cracking a fat" though doesn't it? Bernadette. Oh, listen to yourselves. You sound like two fat slags at a pie bake off. Adam. Your contribution top the conversation hasn't exactly made headlines, Bernice. Bernadette. Gee, poor kevin's dick. There can't be much room down there with his brain taking up so much space already. No. I'll join this conversation on the proviso that we stop bitching about people, talking about wigs, dresses, bust sizes, penises, drugs, night clubs, and bloody Abba. Tick. Doesn't give us much to talk about then does it? Adam. Whispers Can you confirm a rumor for me???? Is it true that her real name is Ralph? Tick motions for him to shut up. 22. ROADSIDE. Adam is cooking sausages. Adam. How do you like your little boys girls? Silence you don't have to answer that if you don't want to. Bernadette> Oh My God. What is this? Outback with benny Hill? Tick. Just leave mine outside the door at about 8 am along with orange juice and toast please. Adam. Why certainly Madame. And would you like vegemite or Jam with that? Tries to open door but it is locked ah knock knock. Room Service. Tick. Cant you read the sign? Do Not Disturb! Please come back in the morning. Adam. Oh ha ha girls. Open the door. Tick. Goodnight Bernice. Bernadette. Goodnight Mitzi. Adam. Open the door. Oepen the fucking door! Okay, if you don't open the door I'm going to sing. Fine you asked for it. Begins singing "I don't care if the sun don't shine" getting louder as he belts the windows of the bus. Tick. Night John boy. 23. DEEP COUNTRY 24. BUS Adam is driving Adam. I'm seriously falling asleep Bernadette. No, it's your shift and you're going to stick to it. Serves you right for staying out all night. Slut. Adam. Well, I'm not going to make it. Bernadette. "I don't care if the sun don't shine." Adam. Oh, fuck off grandma. Bernadette looks toTick, who is looking out the window twisting his huge diamond ring around his finger Bernadette. Are you alright? Tick. I'm fine. I'm just thinking. Bernadette goes to put on lip stick, and Adam plays with the brakes making her eventually smear it up her face. Adam. Sorry……………… SHIT!!!!!!!!! Screaches bus to a halt Tick. What is it? 25. SCRUBBY HILL Adam. Perhaps we should have flown 26. DESERT the bus is a tiny speck in the distance 26. BUS Bernadette plays "I SPY" with the others. Adam. Witchety grub. Your turn. Bernadette. I spy with my little eye something beginning with R Adam. Rectum? Bernadette. No Adam. Ring pirate? Bernadette. No Tick. Road? Bernadette. Alright What's the matter with you? Tick. Nothing Darling. Bernadette. Don't darling me darling. Look at you. You've got a face like a cat's arse. Come on. Fess up. Tick. I'm just worried about the show, that's all. Like, we haven't done any rehearsals yet and…. Bernadette. We've got two weeks for Christ's sake. That's plenty of time to rehearse. Now what's your problem? Tick. It's not a problem. I just want this show to be good. That's all. It's got to be good. Adam. How the fuck did you get this job Mitzi my darling? I mean , who is this fish who runs this bloody hotel in the middle of nowhere anyway? Your mother. Tick. No, my wife. Adam. What? Don't tell me you've got an ex- boyfriend tucked away out here somewhere. Tick. No. my wife. I'm married. 28. BUS Bernadette hits the breaks and there is sounds of falling bottles. 29. CHURCH ALTAR FLASHBACK 30. DESERT. Tick. And when the joint bank account ran dry after a couple of years I guess I preffered her wedding ring to mine. So no drama. We swapped and called it a day. Adam. This is getting too weird. You and a woman. What did she used to do for kicks? Put a bucket over your head and swing off the handle? Tick. You know there are two things I don't like about you Felicia….. Your face. So how about shutting both of them. Adam. Well at least this explains your abysmal batting average Mitz. I often wondered why your dance card was so empty. I take it you never got a divorce then?……. Well girls, what can I say? Here's to a secret very well kept. Bernadette. Shame it's not going to stay that way. Isn't it? Adam. Mmmmmm Got any more surprises you'de like to share with us? Haven't got any kids stashed away out there as well have you? Tick. Look. I haven't lied about anything. After six years I get a phone call out of nowhere screaming for help. And Christ knows I owe her a couple of favours. I'm sorry that I never told you. I'm not sorry that you're here. Bernadette. Don't worry about it dolls. I'm as jealous as hell. 31. DESERT, bus hurtles across the plains. 31. CARD GAME ON BUS Tick. What? Adam. So was it a big wedding? Get lots of pressies did we? I just wish I was OLD enough to be there. Tick. Oh ha ha Adam. I would have bought you a lovely matching set of hers and hers bath mats. Tick. Give it a rest. Adam. Not on your life. Imagine. Mitzi the magnificent and her blushing bride.Mowing those lawns must have been murder on those heels though. Tick. Al right Felicia, that's enough. Let's put some money in that seething cesspool mouth of yours. If I win this game, you will never mention my wife, ever, in my presence again OK Adam. And if I win? Tick. Name your price Adam. Well now, what would I like more than anything in the world? Tick. SNAP, better be quick. 33. BROKEN HILL Mitzi and Felicia step out onto the street all dolled up in exagerated Drag. Mitzi. What the fuck am I doing? Take that bloody frock off Felicia. Don't make it worse than it is. Felicia. Think I'll let you get all the attention? No chance. Come on girls, lets go shopping Bernadette. For Christ's sake, 34. BROKEN HILL. The girls make their way down the main street amidst looks of amazement from locals. 35. MARIO'S PALACE Bernadette. You've got to be kidding. Owner. Welocome to Mario's Palace. Come in. What can I do for you? Would you like a room Madame. 36. HOTEL ROOM Mitzi. Oh tackorama! Who the hell does all the painting around here? Bernadette. Someone with no arms or right foot by the look of it. Felicia. For goodness sake, get down off that crucifix. Someone needs the wood. Mitzi. What fuuuuuuuun. Baby bottles of booze. Bernadette. Uh gather round girls, I'll show you a trick. You drink the gin. Fill the empty bottle with water and put it back in the fridge. Mitzi. Va t'em vous. What about the scotch? Bernadette. That's where the complimentary tea bags come in handy. Mitzi. Very Clever. Felicia. Cheers girls. And congratualtions Mitzi darling. You did it. One lap of the Broken Hill main drag in drag!!! That'll teach you to take on the Fairmont Boys School SNAP champion. Bernadette. Here's to getting off that fucking bus. ALL. Chookers! Felicia. So, all dolled up and nowhere to go. Bernadette. Well I sure as shit have no intention of sitting here for the rest of the evening Felicia. I'm in. Mitzi. Oh alright. Here's hoping they have a decent Coctail Bar. 37. HOTEL BAR. Everyone looks at them as they enter in Drag. BERNADETTE: Hello. Could I have a gin and tonic, a bloody Mary and a lime Daquari please. Enter Shirley, a butch bitch. SHIRLEY: Well, look what the cat dragged in! What do we have here then? A couple of show girls eh? Where did you ladies just come in from? Uranus? BERNADETTE: Could I please have a….. SHIRLEY: No! You can't have nothing! We got nothing here for people like you. NOTHING! BERNADETTE: Now listen here you mullet. Why don't you just light your tampon and blow your box apart, because it's the only bang you're ever going to get sweetheart. Raucous laughter from the crowd in the bar. 38. LATER IN THE BAR. All are very drunk and Mitzi is sharing her expertise on her facial products MITZI: Now what could be more soothing than coming home after a hard day down the mine to the woman in us all. Now don't send any money.. Meanwhile Bernadette and Shirley are having a drinking contest. SHIRLEY: Shit, all I can see are female impersonators. MINER: This has got to be a first. Nobody has ever out drunk old shirl before. Where did you learn to throw them back like that? FELICIA: That's our girl Bernadette. I just knew that stumbling around the pub circuit with Les Girls for two hundred years must have taught her something. MINER: You're a bloody marvel Bernie. BERNADETTE: Bernadette Please. MINER: What was that? BERNADETTE: My name isn't Bernie. FELICIA: She said her name isn't Bernie……… It's Ralph. 39. HOTEL ROOM BERNADETTE: What did you call me? FELICIA: What did you call me what? BERNADETTE: What did you call me back there, in the bar? FELICIA: Sorry. Ralph. Huge fight breaks out. Arms and legs everywhere. Bernadette has the upper hand. 40 NEXT MORNING. They walk out to the balcony of the hotel. Bernadette and Felicia are still arguing. 41. BALCONY They stop in their track when they see their bus with the words AIDS FUCKERS GO HOME!. 41 – 45 PETROL STATION. Adam goes in and buysthe petrol they have just put in the bus. The old man hands Adam a box of paint. MAN: Hope it still works. Don't have much call for it out here. Where you blokes from? ADAM: Uranus. 46-47 BUS TICK: There BERNADETTE: I hope you know what you're doing. TICK: If we stick to the sealed road we'll be at it for at least two days. BERNADETTE: Take the short cut 48-49 BUS Lat Traviata is heard as we see the bus flying along the dirt road. Suddenly we see Felicia sitting atop a big silver slipper, miming the world. BERNADETTE: One more push, I'm gonna smack his face so hard he'll have to stick a toothbrush up his arse to clean his teeth. 50. BUS TICK: I told you not to use the R word and what did you go and do? ADAM: I was only having fun. TICK: Fun? What else do you do for amusement? Slam your fingers in car doors? What's the point? ADAM: I like seeing people get hot headed ok? It gives me a kick. TICK: Is it true that when you were born the doctor slapped your mother? What sort of bent childhood did you grow up in Adam Whitely? 51. FLASHBACK TO ADAM'S BATHROOM. UNCLE: Adam? Come here boy. Come and sit over here. (smiling) Would you like to have some fun with uncle Barry? We're gonna play a special game, But you can't tell anyone. Never, ever ever. Now what I want you to do is put your hand down here and pull very gently Adam puts his hand in the water and suddenly his Uncle's eyes widen and he goes all pale. Jesus Christ adam! Get help! Adam, Uncle Barry's ping pongs are stuck in the drain. Get Mummy. ADAM: No UNCLE: What do you mean, NO!? 52. BUS ADAM: Never, ever ever ever…….. You know the best part? Mum was out playing golf and the dirty old fuck was stuck there for seven hours. And I thought they were small and wrinkled before they got in the water. 53-54. BUS Adam is driving. ADAM: Hey, I got a joke. Who wants to hear a joke? Come on Bernie. It's so funny, you'll laugh so hard your lashes will curl up by themselves. BERNADETTE: Do tell us your HILLARIOUS joke. ADAM: Well, many moons ago there was this very famous bunch of indians called the Fuckawei Tribe. And one day the son of the great indian Chief says to his father, "Dad, why is my friend Little Hawk called Little Hawk?" And his father says. TICK & BERNADETTE: Why do you ask, Two dogs Fucking? ADAM: That's not the end of the joke. So anyway, Back to me. SHIT! TICK: What's happening? ADAM: I don't know. The bus grinds to a halt and then silence. BERNADETTE: Oh My god… 55. NEXT MORNING They all stand at the stairs of the bus. BERNADETTE: Oh Felicia… Where the Fuckawei? FELICIA: shit shit shit!!! 56. CAMP SITE TICK: Well, I've had a look around, and I think we can safely assume that I now know less about motor cars than I did when I first lifted up that ….. Bonnety thing. BERNADETTE: Now what? TICK: Let's just not think about it for the moment and eat breakfast shall we? BERNADETTE: That's a novel idea. Let's stuff ourselves to death. Imagine the headlines. Whales beach themselves in the outback. Mystrey Broomsticks Dead in Drag. ADAM: There's no point in walking back. The only life I saw for the last million miles were the hypnotised bunnies and most of them are now wedged in the tyres. TICK: Somebodie's sure to drive past. We'll keep the fire burning. BERNADETTE: Yes, and toast marshmallows for when they arrive. What if they don't drive past? TICK: Look, you're not helping here. Just eat your hormones. BERNADETTE: Hell. Why didn't we stick to the main road? TICK: What difference does it make now? BERNADETTE: You got us into this Antony Belrose, And I suggest you start thinking about how to get us back or I don't fancy your chances of ever trying to be a husband again. Jesus, what are we going to do? ADAM: We are going to start off with a facelift. Nothing like a new frock to brighten up your day. 57. CAMP TICK: Purple? ADAM: It's not purple. It's Lavender. What do you think? TICK: It's nice…. In a hideous sort of a way. Bernadette jumps out of the bus in her walking heels and heads towards the road. Where are you going? BERNADETTE: If you think I'm going to sit around watching Picasso take on the the public transport system, you've got another think coming. I'll be back with the cavalry in a couple of hours. ADAM: There goes a transexual, last seen heading south. We call her Bernie but her real name was… TICK: Adam. 58-63 THE CAMP AND THE DESERT Bernadette is out in the desert while Adam continues to paint the bus. Tick gets dressed up in a lime green dress and composes moves to "I will survive". We see a puff of dust and Bernadette realises it is a car in the distance. BERNADETTE: Help! Help! 64. IN CAR MA: What's that Pa? PA: What? MA: Up there you nong. Looks like a woman. They pull up and Bernadette runs to the car exhausted. BERNADETTE: Oh thank God. 65. CAMP BERNADETTE: Thank you. I can't tell you how grateful I am. ADAM: Bernie, I never thought I'd be so glad to see you. TICK: I was just drawing up the will. BERNADETTE: Tony, Adam, come and meet our saviours. This is Mr and Mrs Spencer. ADAM & TICK: Hello The spencers drive off so fast none can catch them. ADAM: No! Wait! Oh shit. Oh for goodness sake look at yourself Mitzi. How many times have I told you? Green is not your color! 66. CAMP – Dusk TICK: Do you think about Trumpet much? BERNADETTE: No. Trumpet was just a nice kid who had a thing about transsexuals. Lots of people do. Sort of a bent status symbol. You know, "Did you know my boyfriend used to be a girlfriend?" That sort of thing. Always good for a supper invite. Still, it was better than nothing. ADAM: Nothing, Nothing for miles. Can you hear the drums Fernando? BERNADETTE: I've said it once and I won't say it again… No more Fucking ABBA! TICK: Okay, if we have the time, we may as well put it to good use. Come on girls. Of ya snatches. Rehearsal time. 67. CAMP They practise a routine to I WILL SURVIVE. They turn around and see an aboriginal.. Everyone screams. ABORIGINAL: Hello, nice night for it. 67. ABORIGINAL CAMP TICK: I think we just crashed a party. ABORIGINAL : No, come on. You'll be alright. Here welcome to my office. ADAM: Bernice, I don't know what could have possibly possesed you to wear that to a corroboree BERNADETTE: Shut your face. The song ends TICK: bravo ADAM: Fabulous TICK: Well girls, I guess it's our turn. 68. They perform I WILL SURVIVE to the aboriginal audience to their delight. Near the end they see the Aboriginal man dancing to the side. BERNADETTE: hey take a look at that. MITZI: I've got an idea. 70-71. DESERT ABORIGINAL: So you actually make money by dressing up like a woman? TICK: Oh sure. You can make a fine living in a pair of heels. Why Alan? Do you want a job? 72. IN BUS ADAM: Oh if only this dress could talk. You know, sometimes I wonder where I got my taste from. Definitely not my mother. Oh well. Serves me right for letting her buy me all these awful clothes. BERNADETTE: What's this? ADAM: That my darling, is my most treasured possession in the whole wide world. BERNADETTE: But what is it? ADAM: Well, a few years ago, I went on a pilgrimage backstage after an ABBA concert hoping to grab an audience with Her Royal Highness Agnetha. Well, when I saw her dashing into the ladies loo, naturally I followed her in. And after she'd finished her business I ducked into the cubicle only to find she'd left me a little gift, sitting in the toilet bowl. BERNADETTE: What are you telling me? This is an ABBA turd? ADAM: I know what we can do with this……… 73-76 DESERT BERNADETTE: Are you right? ADAM: Okay, go. The kite soars into the air revealing a blow up doll with an orange dress. Tick arrives sitting in a tow truck. TICK: There! BERNADETTE: Fuck it. Drops the string and the kite flys away BOB: Afternoon, what seems to be the problem? 77. TOWNSHIP BERNADETTE: What a nice dog. What's his name? MAN: Herpes. If she's good, she'll heal BOB: Things get pretty quiet around here. We're a bit starved for entertainment TICK: Glad we could oblige. How does it look? BOB: well, your gas tank's chock-a-block full of crud. Travelling on a rough road on a low tank chucked it all up into the motor. Your fuel line's blocked and your injectors are stuffed. TICK: so does that mean you can fix it? BOB: In the short term What you blokes need is a new gas tank. TICK: I don't suppose you have one lying around BOB: No. Sorry. I could pick one up in Coober Pedy in about a week. When do you have to be in Alice? TICK: Six days. BOB: well, we can clean it out and hope for the best. It might make it. We won't know unless you give it a try. CYNTHIA: Lemonade here I make. BOB: That's very nice darling. But please go back inside. CYNTHIA: Lemonade here I make. Lemonade for guests BOB: No darling Please. CYNTHIA: Putang ina mo! (son of a bitch) I make chocolate crackles 78. BOB'S HOUSE CYNTHIA: Thank you. We put cream on? TICK: No no, it's face cream. For face BERNADETTE: Bob, Cynthia, thank you. I love lamb with meringue. BOB: thank you for the company. Like I said. New faces are rather hard to come by out here. If you don't mind me asking, what are you doing off the highway? ADAM: now that's a good question BOB: glad you bothered. We don't get your type out here very often. CYNTHIA: me like to sing. Me like… BOB: yeah pretty damn quiet. Thought of opening a video business for a while, but I suppose we've got to wait to get television first. CYNTHIA: Me perform for you. Me dance too. BOB: My wife used to be in the entertainment business. CYNTHIA: Yeah. You perform here? BOB: Are you thinking of performing here? I mean you've got to be here at least another night. TICK: The thought hadn't really crossed my mind. BOB: well why not? I could have a word to Wally in the pub. Everybody would love it. TICK: I don't think our show would go down too well out here. BOB: If you don't mind me asking, what kind of cabaret do you do? ADAM: We dress up in women's clothes and parade around mouthing the words to other peoples songs BOB: You mean sort of like those….what do you call them? 'les girls' Oh yeah, I've seen them. Way back in Sydney when I was a young bloke. Fantastic. Just terrific. TICK: Bob, you're looking at probably the most famous 'Les girl ever produced. BOB: you're kidding me? BERNADETTE: Oh give me a break. I wasn't that famous. TICK: I'm not joking. BOB: What? I wouldn't really have seen you. That must have been thirty years back. ADAM: oh you'd be surprised. CYNTHIA: Me perform for you. Me sing. BOB: No Cynthia. You no perform. They perform not you. CYNTHIA: Putang ina mo! Manigas Ka! (son of a bitch, get stuffed) BOB: A real live 'Les girls show? Right, this calls for a celebration. 79-80. PUB the girls are getting ready. BERNADETTE: Maybe this isn't such a good idea. FELICIA: oh shut ya twat. Our frocks were the sensation of broken Hill remember? BERNADETTE: There was a K-Mart in Broken Hill. At least they knew what a frock was. Christ, you should see what this woman is wearing. It's not a frock. It's a piece of Coorugated iron. BOB: can I come in? FELICIA: Only if you're single BOB: oh you look incredible. MITZI: where did we find this guy? FELICIA: just keep dishing out the compliments Bob Flattery will get you everywhere.Now where's that lovely wife of yours? BOB: she's at home. She's not allowed in the pub any more. MITZI: really? Why? BOB: She's got a problem with alcohol. Every time she gets in the pub she makes a complete fool of herself. MITZI: Oh I know how she feels. BOB: well we're all waiting. Are you ready? BERNADETTE: Bob, we're having second thoughts. BOB: you can't back out now. Every man and his dog are out there. BERNADETTE: they're not chained up by any chance? BOB: Oh you blokes…..sorry….you girls. Look you'll be fine. Take my word for it. 81-82. HOUSE AND PUB Cynthia is getting distressed because she wants to go to the pub. CYNTHIA: Manga Hayop! Manga animal! Papakita Kosakanilaakoy Kakanta at akoy sasa yaw! (mangy animals Bunch of animals I'll show them. I'll sing. I'll dance) She picks the lock on the cupboard containing the ping pong balls and is delighted. Benadette, Mitzi and felicia are in the middle of their performance when erotic music starts and everyone knows what is about to happen BERNADETTE: what the Hell's going on? MITZI: she's not is she? FELICIA: Oh you can't do that with a ping pong ball BERNADETTE: you want to bet? MITZI: oh no…… no….. Oh God! Cynthia is removed forcefully from the pub. 83. BOB'S GARAGE BOB: Darling, don't go. There's nothing we can't work out. CYNTHIA: You no good man BOB: don't be silly. CYNTHIA: You want good wife, you be good husband. BOB: darling don't go. CYNTHIA: I not like you anyway. You got little dingaling. BOB: some days you just shouldn't get out of bed. If you want my opinion, I think you should stay here until I get back from Coober Pedy with a new tank. But then again you listened to my last opinion. BERNADETTE: Forget it Bob. It's time we made a move. I'm just a gifted amateur around here. There's no way a nice frock and a catchy tune can compete with three ping pong balls, two cigarettes and a pint of beer. TICK: If we break down we break down. I'll play it safe and stick to the main drag. Pardon the pun. Well, good bye Bob. Thanks for the very educational stay. ADAM: yes I'd do anything to be able to open a bottle like that. BOB: bernadette, it has certainly been an honor meeting a member of Les Girls. BERNADETTE: And may I say it has been an hounour to have met a gentleman. Believe me Bob, these days gentleman are an endangered species. Unlike bloody drag queens who just keep breeding like rabbits They begin to drive away when the bus packs it in again. TICK: Bob????? Fancy a free ride to Coober Pedy? 84-89 BUS ADAM: Now listen Bob. Let's get a few things straight. We may wear the frocks around here, but that doesn't mean you wear the pants. BOB: where do I sleep? ADAM: Oh anywhere that takes your fancy BOB: the roof will do me fine. TICK: thank you Bob, I don't know what to say BOB: that's alright. I may as well get there a few days earlier. A bit of R&R. God knows I need it. Felicia is back on the roof miming La Traviata BOB: May I ask you a personal question? I mean if you don't mind BERNADETTE: Sure. BOB: Why? Why do you….. you know….. BERNADETTE: You mean the sixty-four thousand dollar question.. FLASHBACK TO RALPH'S CHILDHOOD MUM: That's the girl. Now, don't tear the wrapping paper. Just slide the ribbon off and we can see what santa's brought you! Here it comes now. What is it? It's a it's a ….. cement mixer. Have you been changing the cards around again Ralph? BUS BERNADETTE: So I guess I had no choice in the matter the bus hits a bump FELICIA: Oh for fucks sake! Watch where you're driving you stupid bitch! What are you trying to do? Fucking kill me or something? BOB: my fault. FELICIA: nicely Sorry Bob. I thought it was Bernadette. 90. CAMP Bob is under the bonnet showing Bernadette things while Adam and Tick are dancing in the dirt. ADAM: who taught you to waltz? TICK: my wife. ADAM: Oh how sweet. You and the Mrs. Down at Arthur Murray's every Tuesday night practising your little hearts out. Makes me want to sick up. BOB: Married? BERNADETTE: Yes married. We have only recently discovered that young Anthony here bats for both teams. TICK: I do not. ADAM: so we're straight TICK: no. ADAM: We aren't? So we're a donut puncher after all? TICK: No. ADAM: then what the Hell are we? TICK: I don't fucking know. The runner runs past them, but they only see a flashing light. BERNADETTE: what the fuck's that ADAM: good evening. Nice night for it. Oh ok. Goodnight then. BERNADETTE: what a rude woman. 91-95CAMP BOB: and that's the power steering pump, and that's the radiator fan. BERNADETTE: How interesting. ADAM: HEY! Who wants the first bath? They all run to the lake and bath and splash about BOB: can I help you madame? Bob sticks his head out from under the bonnet after fixing it again. BOB: okay turn it over The bus starts and they head off again to the tune of I DON'T CARE IF THE SUN DON'T SHINE. They finally arrive in Coober Pedy. 96. COOBER PEDY BOB: That's it over there. It's an okay room with a shower TICK AND BERNADETTE: Bags first ADAM: Is hot water all you can think about? BERNADETTE: No. A shower, a comfortable bed and a nice meal will do me fine. ADAM: If you think I'm going to crawl into the sack and watch tellevision you've got another think coming. BOB: now you blokes watch your back. This is a pretty tough little town. They get up in the morning, they go down a hole, they blow things up and then theycome up again. That just about sums it up. ADAM: Oh fabulous. BERNADETTE: You're welcome to hang out with us if you've got nothing better to do. BOB: I'm meeting some of the boys down at the old drive in for a booze up like the old days ADAM: I want to go with Bob. I want to go to the boys club BERNADETTE: You'll come and have supper with us, Adam Whitely, or you'll stay in your room by yourself and watch TV. 97-100. COOBER PEDY NIGHT Adam is bored in the underground hotel room so he fishes through his bags till he finds something interesting in it. Bernadette and Tick are in the restaurant. TICK: he's a good man our Bob. BERNADETTE: Yeah, not my type though TICK: oh don't come the raw prawn with me. I can spot the fluttering of a beaded lash from three hundred paces. BERNADETTE: get out. He's far too old. Mind you, so am I. Did you catch that mail order bride? Why did he marry her? I'm dying to ask. Tick's expression changes Oops sorry. Don't worry about it. You're the worlds best husband and given the chance you'd probably be a perfectly good father too. TICK: Do you really think so? BERNADETTE: Why? Are you thinking about children? TICK: yes, as a matter of fact. Felicia is walking through the streets dressed in drag and stops at the video store. She steps in and walks up to the attendant. FELICIA: Do you have THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASCARA? 101. RESTRAUNT TICK: ever wanted kids? BERNADETTE: Sure, but I've learned not to think about it. TICK: Do you think an old Queen's capable of raising a child? BERNADETTE: Well, Elizabeth did a pretty good job. Prince Charles is a wonderful boy. Tick: Edward's still a bit of a worry. And what happens if they turn out like Adam? BERNADETTE: You stuff them back in and ask for a refund. Stupid little shit. I dread to think what he's up to. 102. DRIVE IN FELICIA: Hello, I'm new in town KEG: No kidding. FELICIA: could I have a bloody Mary please. KEG: It's beer or nothing sweetheart FELICIA: Well, I'd better have a beer then. What are you all looking at? FRANK: I'm sorry. Didn't mean to stare. We don't usually get women down here. FELICIA: Oh so what do women do around here besides watching videos? Well well well!!!!!!! Look who we have here… FRANK: You know that bloke do you? FELICIA: no, so, who's going to show me the sights? FRANK: It would be my pleasure. Felicia raises her glass and Frank sees that she has hairy arms, and smashes the glass out of her hand FELICIA: I suppose a fuck's now out of the question come on boys. Who wants to see my map of Tasmania!??????????? 103-104. NIGHT TIME BERNADETTE: So I never had a chance to tell my parents what a wonderful childhood I'd had. They never spoke to me again after I'd had……..the chop. TICK: I have something to tell you. Suddenly Felicia runs past the restaurant being chased by Frank and his bulldog gang. They run behind the garage. BERNADETTE: Oh shit! FELICIA: Okay fellas lets not forget how to treat a lady. FRANK: you Fucking Freak! FELICIA: no, please FRANK: hold him down. Spread his legs. BOB: Frank, Stop! What the fuck do you think you're doing? FRANK: you mean you do know this cocksucker? BOB: get off him you mongrel! He was joking OK? Now you leave the bugger alone. FRANK: get out of there Bob!!!!! BOB: Cut it out Frank. FRANK: get the fuck out of the way, Bob, or you'll be next BOB: Frank! FRANK: Get out of there!!!!!!!!! BERNADETTE: Oh stop flexing your muscles you big fucking pile of budgie turd! I'm sure your mates would be much more impressed if you just went back to the pub and fucked a couple of pigs on the bar. BOB: Bernadette please. FRANK: bernadette? Well, I'll be darned! The whole bloody circus is in town. I suppose you want a fuck too? Come on Bernadette. Come on and fuck me. That's it. Come on. Come on and fuck me. Come on Fuck me. Bernadette suddenly knees Frank in the balls and frank falls to the ground in agony. BERNADETTE: There, now you're fucked. 105. HOTEL ROOM TICK: You stupid bloody idiot. Drugs for Christ's sake. Well three cheers for you. I hope you're bloody well happy now. Stupid bloody fuck witt! Adam begins to cry and Bernadette sidles over to him. BERNADETTE: It's funny. We all sit around mindlessly slagging off that vile stink-hole of a city. But in it's strange way it looks after us. I don't know if that ugly wall of suburbia has been put up to stop them getting in or us getting out. Come on. Don't let it drag you down. Let it toughen you up. I can only fight because I've learnt to. being a man one day and a woman the next is not an easy thing to do. 106-113 BUS & CAMP Bob tries to get a gas tank but to no available so they carry on driving out from Coober Pedy. TICK: well, Are we bunny hopping all the way to Alice? BOB: no good, But he says the man to help us is a fair way out of town. BERNADETTE: Like how fair? BOB: A couple of hundred clicks fair. No matter. I haven't got anything else to do today. Lets get out of here. Come on Adam. TICK: to Adam Some things are said in the heat of the moment. I'm sorry I got angry at you last night, although I dare say you deserved it. Anyway, that's enough of that. You know this is quite an experience sitting here with you now. I can quite safely say that I think your taste in clothing is absolutely terrible, because you can't say a word can you? This is great fun. BERNADETTE: We're going to have a problem finding this guy with a tank aren't we? BOB: Why do you say that? BERNADETTE: Because he's not out here. BOB: Oh he's out here. He's in Alice. Well, I can't go back to Coober Pedy for a while. Not the most popular bloke in the world back there any more. Flash back to a manilla hotel room BOB: Hello CYNTHIA: Hello. BOB: Who are you? CYNTHIA: I your wife. BOB: best I be going home then CYNTHIA: No, you not going. I coming too. I your wife. See, I your wife. Back to the bus BOB: Silly girl. Should have done her home work better. She thought I was from Sydney. TICK: Why in God's name did you bring her home? BOB: she was my wife. ADAM: Couldn't you sell her off? BERNADETTE: Oh, the party's over everybody. It talks. You can't keep a good bitch down. TICK: What time do you think we'll get to Alice Springs? BOB: Late tomorrow arvo? TICK: And how long do you think You'll be staying? BOB: I don't know. A couple of days maybe. Hey a big day for you tomorrow. We all get to meet the Mrs. TICK: I saw that smile Felicia. One word, one derogatory word and I'm taking you back to your mate in Coober Pedy. Look, please everyone. Tomorrows going to be a little tough. Please don't make it any harder than it has to be. BERNADETTE: We're only teasing. We won't open our mouths until you give the word. Then it's open season. TICK: Oh well, time for bed. Got to look good for the wife in the morning. Come along Adam. Time for your beauty sleep. Come on. Will you two be joining us? BERNADETTE: I just thought I'd have one for the road. How about you Bob? BOB: Sounds good to me. TICK: All right then. See you in the morning. Night. Tick and Adam spy from the bus as the conversation fireside gets personal. BERNADETTE: Another piece of cake Bob? BOB: Ah no. BERNADETTE: So, tell me about you. BOB: can't complain. Life's a lot simpler now. I spent thirty years wandering around the world only to find I'm better off where I started.. Not much, But it's my turf. 115-117 CAMP AND FINAL LEG OF TRIP TICK: Adam! ADAM: What? TICK: Guess who didn't come home last night? I've waited all my life for this! Bernice has left her cake out in the rain. TICK AND ADAM: Hava Nagila Hava hang over hava nagila ya ya ya 118-121 LASITERS HOTEL – ALICE SPRINGS The bus rumbles into Alice Springs and pulls up at Lasiters Casino. TICK: My fucking back is killing me BERNADETTE: I need a crap. BOB: Do you want me to go in? TICK: No, I'll go DOORMAN: Excuse me sir, you cant park your bus here. Are you planning on staying at the hotel? TICK: Oh sorry. Could you direct me to Marion Barber please? We're the Cabaret act from Sydney. DOORMAN: Oh yeah, right. Well just go in through to receptionand they'll take you right through. TICK: thanks. DOORMAN: It's alright Lenny. These are the drag queens ADAM: Come on Bob. Let's go try on your nice new frock. DOORMAN: G'day Marion is on the phone. MARION: No, those three kegs didn't arrive. I need them today. Not tomorrow, but today. You're a doll. What an arse hole My god, Husband Husband! It's so good to see you. TICK: Hiya wife MARION: You're a day late. I was just gathering the search party. Where are the others? TICK: Oh they're outside. MARION: You've lost weight you rotten old queer. TICK: well it's about fucking time. I can finally get into that old one piece of yours. You know, the one with the sun flowers. MARION: You still got that? What the hell do you do with it? TICK: "The poisedon Adventure " routine. You know, Shelley Winters. They act like they are swimming Where is he? They go to the hotel dining room. MARION: Benj, do you remember Tick? BENJAMIN: Hello Tick. TICK: Hello HOSPITAL FLASHBACK DOCTOR: Mr Belrose? MITZI: Yes? DOCTOR: Congratulations. It's a boy. As the bucket drops so does Bernadette as she faints, hitting her head on the floor as she falls flat out. Everybody races to her aid. 124. DRESSING ROOM BERNADETTE: For Christ's sake, mitzi, Why didn't you tell us? Why the hell did you have to shock me like that? This lump is getting bigger by the second. I'm about to make my Northern Territory debut looking like a fucking Warner Brothers cartoon character has hit me over the head with an iron. ADAM: I think you look more like a Disney witch myself. BERNADETTE: Oh shut your face Felicia. At least I don't look like somebody has tried to open a can of beans with my make up. MITZI: I'm sorry girls. I couldn't stand the thought of you two bagging me in the bus for two weeks. Anyway what difference does it make now? BERNADETTE: About two inches difference to my head for one. MITZI: Did you get a good look at him? He's got my profile that's for sure. FELICIA: I think I'm going to be sick. BERNADETTE: I hate to be practical here but does he know who you are? I mean, does he know what you do for a living? MITZI: Well, he knows he has a father in the showbusiness/cosmetics industry BERNADETTE: Oh Lord, I don't understand. MITZI: No you don't understand. So stop trying to. It will be fine. BERNADETTE: It had better be. Marion bursts into the room. MARION: Oh, stop wearing out that mirror FELICIA: You always knock before you enter? MARION: Always! Why? You haven't got anything to hide in there have you? Alright girls, you're on in ten minutes FELICIA: Sweetheart, you've been on ever since you were born. MARION: Hope you're ready to slay them. The word's out. We've got a big crowd BERNADETTE: Like how big? MARION: a full house. MITZI: where's benj? MARION: Safe and sound. Asleep in bed. Don't you worry about a thing. Okay my little powder puff? There is a knock at the door BOB: can I come in? BERNADETTE: Now there's a gentleman. Of course you can Bob. BOB: my aunt Minnie in here? Don't mean to barge in. Just want to wish you all good luck. FELICIA: Thanks Bob. Hands Bernadette flowers. BOB: to make up for what happened last time BERNADETTE: Thank you. That's so thoughtful. MARION: Alright girls. Let's get this show on the road. You, Out. That's a ten minute curtain call. Good luck. FELICIA: That's quite a wife you've got there Mitzi. What does she do in her spare time. Sand back the hulls of oil rigs with her tongue? MITZI: She sure is something. CHOOKERS GIRLS!!!!!! FELICIA: Watch my Jaw. BERNADETTE: Be careful of my head. MITZI: Aren't we Fabulous? 125-126 THE SHOW Finally, by cc Peniston VOICE OVER: Ladies and gentlemen. Lasseter's Casino in Alice Springs presents Miss Mitzi Del Bra, Miss felicia Jollygoodfellow and Miss Bernadette Bassinger…………….. The sisters of the simpson Desert! The curtain opens to reveal the three ladies dressed spectacularly as Australian Flowers. Next they are Emus and Frilled necked Lizards, and finally they come down the steps in Marie Antoinette outfits which, when rearranged, become the Sydney Opera House. The crowds go wild and in the Background Mitzi sees Benj. And promptly passes out. ADAM: Come on. Snap out of it. BOB: come on mate. ADAM: You'll be fine. Come on love. BOB: That's it mate. You scared us all for a minute . ADAM: You just had to have that extra little bit of attention didn't you? Nice one lovey. Nice one. 127. RESTAURANT TICK: Oh shit. What are you doing marion? MARION: Oh Shush , drink your daiquiri TICK: I hate bloody Daiquiri. MARION: No you don't. You love Bloody Daiquiri. Least now I know why drag queens drink from such big glasses. To make their hands look smaller. TICK: Oh ha ha ha. What am I meant to say to the boy? I've never been so embarrased. MARION: I think you're over reacting TICK: Really? MARION: Yes. You're just being a drama queen. You're going to have to drop all that shit if you're going to be a good father. Don't pretend to be surprised. I've kept my end of the bargain. Now it's your turn.. not forever. Maybe just for a couple of months. TICK: Why now? MARION: Because I haven't had a holiday in eight years. I need a rest Tick. I need some space. TICK: reminds me of something I said not so long ago. MARION: well I do. And besides it's time he knew what his father was anyway. TICK: That's the problem. I mean, I don't know what to tell him. What do you assume I do? Lie? MARION: Assumption, My dear Mitzi, is the mother of all fuck ups. Don't bitch to me. Bitch to him. TICK: Thanks for the free advice. 128-129. HOTEL Bernadette's room. BERNADETTE: who is it? BOB: It's me Bob. Your flowers were being mangled. I thought I'd rescue them for you. BERNADETTE: Good idea. Thanks Adam's room. BENJ: What's the matter? ADAM: nothing. Do you know what your father does for a living? BENJ: Yeah ADAM: So I suppose you know he doesn't really like girls. BENJ: does he have a boyfriend at the moment? ADAM: No BENJ: Neither does Mum. She used to have a girlfriend but she got over her. Do you want to come and play in my room? I've got Lego. ADAM: Sure. 130-132 GOING TO KINGS CANYON BERNADETTE: Come on butch. Get a move on. We can't brand the cattle all by ourselves. DOORMAN: great show last night. Do you always end a number like that? TICK: always. BERNADETTE: How would you like to pick her up every night sundance? DOORMAN: be a pleasure. MARION: I think that might include taking the lady home every evening and tucking her into bed Jeff. DOORMAN: What's the pay like Marion? MARION: Oh that one's going to get himself into trouble one day, and if you play your cards right you might just be the lucky fellow. BOB: come on, all aboard. TICK: Just watch it with the innuendos Marion. At least give me a clear shot at this. MARION: You call dressing up as a Xanadu production number a clear shot? Come on Tick. Who's kidding who around here? He sure as shit isn't. 133. KINGS CANYON They are all playing Charades. Adam is Up. MARION: Rock ---- Rock Hudson. BENJ: My turn My turn he starts miming a dingo and a lady screaming for help BERNADETTE: Lindy Chamberlain. That was appauling Benji. Who taught you that? BENJ: Mum did. MARION: Lies, all lies. BERNADETTE: I thought so. Come on Adam….. Up.. Time is against us and we have things to do. Come on you butch thing you. TICK: No count me out. BERNADETTE: All for one. ADAM: Come on Tick. BERNADETTE: Come on Adam. Let's get frocked 134. NEAR THE CREEK. TICK: So, whats it like to finally have a father? BENJ: It's okay TICK: Sorry about last night. I don't always dress up in women's cloths. I mean don't get the wrong idea. I do lots of different stuff……… You know, like Elvis and garry Glitter and…… BENJ: ABBA? I'm not supposed to know about the ABBA show but I'd really like to see it. Would you do the ABBA show for me? TICK: sure. You know what I am don't you? BENJ: Mum says you're the best in the business. TICK: Well, your mum was always prone to exageration. BENJ: Will you have a boyfriend when we get back to Sydney? TICK: maybe. Come on! BENJ: Where are we going? TICK: We're going to unleash the best in the business. 135-136 THE CLIMB FELICIA: I had a dream. The ascension has begun. The three darg queens begin their climb. Their feet are killing them and they are constantly swatting at flies. Finally they arrive at the top and are dazzled by the sight before them. FELICIA: Well, we did it. BERNADETTE: It never ends does it? All that space. FELICIA: So what now? MITZI: I want to go home. FELICIA: me too. BERNADETTE: Well then. Let's finish the shows and go home. 137. HOTEL ENTRANCE It is time to go home. DOORMAN: Don't go without leaving me your number Sunshine. ADAM: already taken care of Jeff. It's at the far end of the men's cubicle. "For a good time, phone Felicia." BENJ: Hey, can we stop at McDonalds on the way back? ADAM: Now that's a good idea. I've had just about enough of this shitty food. Fucking Caryfish. TICK: I don't know. Where the Hell do you start? MARION: oh stop it. Lay it on the line husband. Don't conceal a thing. That's the key. And if he doesn't like it, stiff bikkies. He can always buy his own ticket back. TICK: And what happens when the word gets out that Mitzi's got a minor? MARION: That's your problem, not his. He knows when and where to listen. Morals are a choice and he'll decide his own when he's good and bloody well ready. BOB: That's it. You're all packed. ADAM: You've got to be joking. We haven't got Bernadette's shoes on board yet. BOB: hate to say this but I wish I was going with you. Your gas tank will be fine. Your axle may be another matter. MARION: I'm sure the road home will be filled with bored mechanics waiting for a bus full of drag queens to spirit them away to a better life. TICK: I wish. We're not even going to spirit gum at this rate. Where the hell is Bernadette? BERNADETTE: Here. ADAM: Come on Cabanossi tits. Where are your bags? BENADETTE: In my room. I'm not going. I've decided to stay here for a while. TICK: Oh really. And you're choosing to tell us about this now? MARION: She told me a few weeks back. Just when I was looking for somebody to handle the guest entertainment while I'm away. ADAM: Oh I get it. Who's been playing hide the sausage then? Hat's it. Let's get out of here before I throw up. Come on Benj. Hope you can drive. MARION: hey …… Not without a hug. Tick goes over to Bernadette. TICK: are you sure? BERNADETTE: No, I'm not sure. But I'll never know unless I give it a shot. TICK: I'm jealous as all hell. BERNADETTE: Shit Raccoon time again. They all board the bus and start off. BENJ: Bye Ralph!!! Adam: Yeah, see you Ralph!!! 138-139. BUS AND NEWTOWN HOTEL. Adam begins to mime the words to MAMA MIA. The scene then turns into the same hotel where we first met the girls, still singing MAMA MIA. MITZI: That's enough. Oh, My tits are falling down. Thank You Thank You. It's good to be home!! CREDITS to the song. Saved the best for last. 140. CHINESE MONASTERY GARDEN A monk is walking in the garden when the blow up doll Drag kite, lost in the desert skies earlier, comes flying into his grasp. He examines her with great interest. THE END. STARRING: Terence Stamp, Hugo Weaving, Guy Pearce and Bill Hunter.