FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY (1st draft) A NIGHT AT THE ROXBURY written by Steve Koren Will Ferrell & Chris Kattan June 2, 1997 FADE IN: EXT. PANORAMIC VIEW OF LOS ANGELES - SUNSET As we hear "What is Love" by HADDAWAY -- night falls and partytime begins. SUPERIMPOSE: SUNSET BLVD., 11:03 PM CUT TO: EXT. DANCE CLUBS - NIGHT Coconut Teaser, The Palace, The Roxbury, Tatou, etc. CUT TO: INT. DANCE CLUBS- QUICK SHOTS - NIGHT Of random dancers -- gyrating, flirting, making out, drinking. CUT TO: INT. PALACE - NIGHT The CAMERA MOVES THROUGH a crowded dance floor -- and SETTLES ON the rhythmically swaying backs of... STEVE & DOUG BUTABI Our heroes. In their minds, Steve is tall, dark and handsome and DOUG is a little genius. Neither is correct -- except for the tall and little part. They simultaneously turn and scope the room. In unison, their heads bop to the MUSIC. Doug steps out from the bar. DOUG (to O.S. female) Hey! You want to dance? No? Yes? Alright, don't worry about it. Doug, rejected, steps back as Steve steps out. STEVE (to O.S. female) Do you want to dance? You do? You don't? Not a problem. They are no strangers to rejection, so neither is fazed. Doug enthusiastically steps towards two attractive girls. DOUG Hey, you wanna...? Two attractive girls turn their backs to Doug. DOUG (remaining positive) No? Maybe I'll see you later. Doug steps back. Steve spots GIRL AT end of BAR and dances over to her. STEVE Hey, do you want to dance? GIRL AT BAR No. STEVE (cheerfully) Alright, you know where I'll be. Steve steps back. Doug sees a pretty woman on a balcony, waving to someone. DOUG/STEVE (pointing to each other) You want him? Me? Him? Me? Pretty woman waves them off, frustrated, and dissapears. STEVE ... Oh, you're okay? DOUG Alright then. They turn around to the bar, bartender is standing in front of them. STEVE Bartender, can I get a beer? The bartender pays no attention and walks away. Second bartender comes from the opposite direction. DOUG Barkeep, what do you have on tap? The second bartender ignores them, walks away. The bartenders keep crossing past the, paying no attention. STEVE Big guy, could I get a... DOUG My man, how 'bout a... STEVE S'cuse me, partner... DOUG Yo, buddy, I was wondering... you know what? Don't worry about it. STEVE Yeah, we're good. They turn back to the dance floor and bop. Suddenly, a HOT GIRL dances in front of them. Doug dances up behind her and frantically gyrates. She turns away -- only to find... Steve gyrating behind her. The guys close in on her trapping her in the middle. HOT GIRL Get off me! She runs off, furious. The guys, unaware that she's upset, celebrate. STEVE/DOUG Score! They high five. The doorman comes over with the upset Girl and pulls the guys out. STEVE/DOUG What? What's goin' on? What's your problem? CUT TO: EXT. SUNSET BLVD. - NIGHT The road flies by as we PAN UP the front grill of a red BMW to reveal Doug and Steve. The car stops next to two girls in a white Porshe. INT. BMW - NIGHT DOUG We got some sweetness on the left. Doug Turns UP the STEREO really loud so the car is pounding. STEVE (to the girls) What's up? DOUG (to the girls) How you ladies doin' tonight? INTERCUT GIRLS' POV The guys moving their mouths -- but the girls can't hear them. GIRL #1 Turn your music down! DOUG Yeah! Just follow us! GIRL #2 You're a big stupid ass! STEVE No. You have beautiful eyes! DOUG I like you too! GIRL #1 Go home, jerkoff! STEVE Okay, we'll meet you there. The light turns green. Girls drive off. CUT TO: EXT. ROXBURY CLUB - NIGHT A neon sign reads "ROXBURY." ROXBURY CLUB FRONT DOOR A huge muscular BOUNCER, wearing a headset, guards the roped off area. Doug and Steve confidently strut past the crowd. BOUNCER Stop! DOUG/STEVE What's up? BOUNCER Guys, this is the Roxbury. No one gets in unless you're on the list. DOUG We're on the list. BOUNCER Names? DOUG Doug Butabi. STEVE Steve Butabi. BOUNCER You're brothers? DOUG No... They slowly turn to each other and bust. DOUG/STEVE ... Yes! They high five, laughing. BOUNCER Quite a joke. STEVE Doug is hilarious. DOUG Yeah, I know. BOUNCER Yeah, you ever hear this one? You're not on the list. Behind Steve and Doug, a '98 yellow FERRARI SCREECHES up to the valet. Car door opens and... RICHARD GRIECO gets out. Looking great, in an Armani suit, beautiful supermodel accompanies him. STEVE (beside himself) Is that...? DOUG It is. The King of '21 Jump Street.' Richard Grieco. Grieco quickly steps past Steve and Doug. STEVE (aside to Doug) Check the wheels. DOUG Check the hottie. The Bouncer jumps aside, letting them enter. Richard inadvertently rubs his nose as he enters. DOUG & STEVE Watching. They both imitate his nose rub and try to follow him in. The Bouncer steps in front of them. DOUG (yelling at Grieco like they know him) Alright, we'll see you later then! (to Bouncer) You know what? We're gonna take off now. STEVE Maybe we'll hang out later. BOUNCER There's no chance of that happening. STEVE Sounds good. The guys exit. CUT TO: INT. BMW - NIGHT The guys are driving. DOUG You know what was wrong with that place. STEVE It's hard to say, since we didn't get in. DOUG It's just a poorly run operation. They can't properly evaluate the incoming clientele. STEVE I thought we just didn't look cool enough. DOUG C'mon. You? You're a beautiful man. I tell you what I'd do if it were my club. I would treat all the outside wannabes just as well as any legendary former television star. STEVE That's pretty Roosevelt of you. DOUG It's just what I believe in. CUT TO: EXT. SUNSET BLVD - LATER A police car drives behind them, turns on the SIREN. INT. BMW The sound of the SIREN mixes with their MUSIC. DOUG Must be the new dance mix version. POLICE OFFICER (O.S.) (loud speaker) Pull over to the side of the road! A female POLICE OFFICER signals them to pull over. DRIVER'S WINDOW The officer steps up to their car. POLICE OFFICER You know you were doing fifty? STEVE (yelling over radio) What? She reaches in, shuts OFF RADIO -- starts filling out ticket. POLICE OFFICER This is a twenty-five mile an hour zone. DOUG Hottie cop likes you. STEVE You serious? DOUG You think she pulls over anybody? Mave a move. STEVE (turning to her) What's going on? POLICE OFFICER Not much, I'm just giving you an eighty dollar ticket. DOUG She is so into you. POLICE OFFICER Can I see your license and registration? Steve pulls the documents off the sun visor, hands them over. STEVE (seductively) I think I got what you're looking for. She takes it, walks back to police car. Doug adjusts the rearview mirror. POLICE CAR She's on the radio. DOUG She's calling her friends. STEVE Seriously? DOUG Here she comes. STEVE How's my hair? She hands Steve the papers and a ticket. POLICE OFFICER I want you to do me a favor. STEVE Whatever you say, TJ Hooker. POLICE OFFICER Please obey any and all posted speed limit signs. Have a good night. STEVE It's already good, now that you've served and protected me. She laughs it off, walks away. Doug takes the ticket. DOUG Way to go, my friend. You got her badge number plus a month from now you have a date to meet her at the Municipal State Court. Up top! DOUG/STEVE Score! They high five and PEEL OUT. CUT TO: EXT. FLORENTINE GARDENS DANCE CLUB - NIGHT This is a very downscale crowd, crappy cars, surrounding a dilapidated building. INT. FLORENTINE GARDENS CLUB - NIGHT Completely packed. People are physically wedged up against one another. DOUG This is what it's all about. A big SECURITY GUY plows through the area. SECURITY GUY Folks, we got to keep this area clear! The crowd moves, sweeping the guys along. Doug and Steve settle in a different spot. STEVE There's a good feeling in here. ANOTHER SECURITY GUY People, there's no lingering by the exits! As it moves, Doug is engulfed in the crowd and disappears. STEVE Doug?... Hey, Doug!... Whoa! Steve is shoved away as the crowd moves again. DOUG jumps up and pops his head above the crowd. DOUG Steve! STEVE is wedged into a corner. STEVE Doug! DOUG pops up near the entrance to the men's room. DOUG Steve! DANCE FLOOR STEVE Doug! CUT TO: INT. MEN'S BATHROOM Doug's face is wedged up against a mirror. He struggles to pull a cellular phone put of his pocket and dial. INTERCUT WITH: DANCE FLOOR Steve is wedged against a blinking light. We hear a cellular PHONE RING. Steve reaches in his pocket and pulls out his phone. STEVE Hello? DOUG Steve, it's Doug. STEVE Oh, hey, Doug. So, what's going on? DOUG Not much. Where are you? STEVE I don't know. Where are you? Doug gets pushed up against a urinal. DOUG There's a lot of guys pulling down their pants, so it's either the bathroom or the V.I.P room. Meet me back at the bar. If I don't make it, I'll see you tommorow at home. DOUG hangs up. O.S. we hear someone UNZIP. DOUG (panicked) Hey, just hold on a second. Doug moves away. INT. DANCE FLOOR - LATER THAT NIGHT Two very bored club girls are standing up against a wall. DOUG So, anyway, I'm standing there waiting to use the pay phone... STEVE Yeah, he was. Seriously. DOUG And this guy who's on the phone turns around and tips his hat like this. DOUG does a "tip your hat" motion. STEVE And who do you think the guy was? Girls still stone-faced. DOUG Emilio Estevez. STEVE The Mighty Duckman. Swear to God. I was there. DOUG (teasing) Of course, you were. You're the one who yelled the breakfast clubber's name. STEVE I was like -- 'Emilioooo!' DOUG So, anyway... you guys want to make out or what? The girls stare at them. CUT TO: EXT. AM/PM MIN-MART GAS STATION - NIGHT The guys pull up. Doug gets out and starts to pump gas. DOUG Score some chippage. I'll meet you in there. Steve exits into the AM/PM. Doug notices a woman puttng gas into her car. She feins a smile, looks away. DOUG Hey! Doug starts pulling the pump in and out of the gas tank -- simulating copulation. She's repulsed. CUT TO: INT. AM/PM -- CONTINOUS ACTION Steve looking at a bag of Pork Rinds. Doug comes up from behind. DOUG Hey, she's totally looking at you. STEVE Who? Doug motions toward the CASHIER. She snaps her gum and is reading People magazine. DOUG Ask her where the chips are. STEVE But, I know where they are. DOUG pushes him. Steve walks over to the Cashier. STEVE Excuse me, I'm looking for the potato chips. You know, chips made out of potato. CASHIER They're right behind you. STEVE Wow, you really know what's going on, don't you? He turns away and pretends to look at the chips. Doug gives him a thumbs up. Richard Grieco enters the store and walks up to the Cashier. She lights up, recognizing Grieco. DOUG Steve, look. Doug and Steve walk up to Grieco. DOUG (trying to be cool) Hey. RICHARD GRIECO ... Hey. DOUG Remember us? We were at the Roxbury. STEVE (to Grieco) We were outside? Grieco turns to Cashier. RICHARD GRIECO Could I get a pack of Marlboro Lights and that 12-pack of Trojans. Thanks. Cashier rings it up, hands it to him. CASHIER (obviously enamored) Thanks. Grieco exits, they all watch. Steve approaches Cashier. STEVE Yeah, I think I'm gonna need a 12- pack of Trojans over there. CASHIER You know, they expire in two years. CUT TO: EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT Doug and Steve watch Grieco's Ferrari drive off as they sit on the car and eat Pork Rinds. DOUG That nabob has got it going on. STEVE (sadly envious) Kickin' it at the Roxbury, rollin' a banana Ferrari. DOUG Tasty geisha by his side. STEVE The man is a bag of chips. DOUG (correcting him) All that and a bag of chips. STEVE Right. Well, we're doing okay. I got a number tonight. DOUG (thrilled) Let me see it! Steve hands him a cocktail napkin. Doug reads it. DOUG 555...? Steve, this isn't real. It's one of those fake T.V. numbers. STEVE Is not. DOUG Is, too. I get this number all the time. STEVE At least she respected me enough to write a fake number. We'll get a real one one of these days. DOUG One of these days? Steve, don't you get it? These are our days. Now! Today! Ahora! STEVE Ah whatta? Doug jumps off the car, starts pacing. DOUG Steve, we're young. We're supposed to purge ourselves of the party virus or we'll just get so clogged up that when we're like forty we'll just explode. STEVE Yeah, like one of those individual plastic butters you get in the diner. You know, like when you squish it, just bursts out all over the place. Steve makes explosion sound. DOUG Forget the butter, Steve. I'm trying to explain -- STEVE (interrupting) Or like when you put an egg in a microwave and all the yellow stuff flies out. He mimes exploding egg. DOUG That's an exceptional way to visualize it but listen to me. STEVE Oh! Remember in camp when we put that can of beans in the fire? DOUG And it exploded. Yes. Steve! If we're ever going to live up to our full potential, we've got to get this partying out of our systems now. STEVE Let's do it. They both get in the car. CUT TO: INT. BMW - NIGHT DOUG/STEVE Alright, let's do it! Do it! Woo! STEVE ... Do what? Everything's closed. Beat. DOUG Then let's go home. STEVE (excited) Let's go home! Wooo! CUT TO: EXT. BUTABI HOUSE - MORNING The house is a bad '80s combination of classical styles. CUT TO: INT. BEDROOM - MORNING We PAN AROUND to see semi-juvenile furniture -- which is overwhelmed by a huge stereo system. Doug sleeps, mouth open. A piece of red licorice reaches INTO FRAME and starts darting in and out of Doug's mouth. He coughs and waves it away. The licorice starts going up his nostril. Doug wakes up. DOUG Hey! Knock it off! STEVE Twizzled you, my friend. DOUG Yeah, you totally got me. STEVE laughs at this, starts eating the licorice. DOUG That was in my nose. Steve stops eating. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN -- DAY Two giant Great Danes plow through, knocking over plates. We meet their dad, KAMEHL BUTABI, fifties, Eugene Levi- type, with some sort of Middle Eastern accent. MR. BUTABI Captain! Tenille! Stop that! Steve and Doug, in silk bathrobes, hair completely disheveled, enter. MR. BUTABI Look at this. Barbara, look who's honoring us with their presence. We meet their mom, BARBARA BUTABI, well kept trophy wife. She tries to straighten out their hair. DOUG/STEVE Ma!... come on. MRS. BUTABI (handing Doug orange juice) Here... DOUG (rejecting juice) Mom, I'm trying to get my body to enter the zone, so I can optimize my fat-burning potential, and orange juice does not help! STEVE Doug, according to 'Fit for Life' the idea of a balanced breakfast is a fallacy. Your body is only prepared to accept one form of food in the A.M. -- fruit. Steve grabs the glass. DOUG You can putrefy your insides if you want to. But, I'm having a cup of cooked oatmeal, one tablespoon protein power... As Doug continues, Mr. Butabi gets more and more annoyed. DOUG ... and four soy sausage links. (to Steve) That's how you hit your peak. MR. BUTABI (sarcastic) Quick, Barbara, look at Doug. He is hitting his peak. You don't want to miss this. MRS. BUTABI Honey, if you're going to hit your peak, do it in your room. STEVE All I want for breakfast is some sliced mangos and persimmons. MR. BUTABI That's enough, you two. Your mother is not the maid. STEVE No, can you tell the maid I want some sliced mangos and persimmons? MR. BUTABI I want you both at work in half an hour. And, Steve wear something nice. Emily's back from school. DOUG Excuse me, Dad, but I think you're confusing Steve for someone who gives a flying rat's ass. STEVE Wow, a flying rat's ass. That would be wild to see. MRS. BUTABI Kamehl, they'll be there. Just let them have their breakfast. MR. BUTABI Sure. Eat. They need their strength so they can stay out all night for their dancing and their orgies. STEVE For your information, Dad, Doug and I were not able to find an orgy last night. MR. BUTABI Barbara, explain something to me. They graduate from high school and what do they do? Nothing. Do they go to college? No. Do they take any intrest in my business? No. Do they think about the future? No. DOUG Dad, if you know all the answers, why do you keep asking the questions? MR. BUTABI Half an hour. I want to see your dance club asses at the store. Mr. Butabi exists. CUT TO: EXT. RODEO DRIVE - SIDEWALK- AFTERNOON "Staying Alive" by the BEE GEES. Set of shoes walking, a la the opening of Saturday Night Fever. We WIDEN to another set of shoes -- PAN UP to reveal Doug and Steve, strutting down the street like John Travolta. Each holds a silk plant. INT. STORE WINDOW - CELL PHONE We see the guys pass. They stop and hold up their cell phone to the one in the window -- same way Travolta did with the shoe. A beautiful WOMAN walks by. They turn to look at her ass. They run back and stand in front of her. She pushes them aside. WOMAN Jerks. She exits. They continue. They pass a cappucino cart. CAPPUCINO SALESMAN Single or double? They look at each other to confirm their choice. STEVE/DOUG Double. They walk with their iced cappucinos in bubble top cups with straws. MUSIC FADES. CUT TO: INT. SILK PLANT STORE - LATER Steve and Doug enter holding silk plants. Mr. Butabi walks up to them, takes the plants. Doug is wearing a Walkman. MR. BUTABI Good. Steve, you have a customer. Doug, go ring that man up. They both nod agreeably. Steve exists. Doug doesn't move, still listening to the Walkman. Mr. Butabi pulls his walkman off and points at the register. Doug exists. CASH REGISTER COUNTER Doug steps behind the counter, helping a COUPLE with several silk floral arrangements. DOUG How will you be paying for this? Cash, check or charge? MAN (pulling it out) Charge. DOUG (looking at it) Visa, Mastercard, or Discover? MAN Move your thumb. Doug moves it. DOUG Oh... Visa. Good one. Doug makes a "you got me" motion. He slides the card through. DOUG I think something's wrong with your card. You sure this is yours? 'Cause it's not processing. MAN It's my card. DOUG I better call it in. Doug calls. DOUG Operator 238 please. INTERCUT WITH: INT. CREDIT SWITCHBOARD -- CONTINIOUS ACTION SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR, with headset, in front of computer, answers phone. SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR Authorization. Card number? DOUG What's up? SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR Doug, I told you not to call anymore. DOUG I got to get an approval. SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR The card's fine. DOUG Not the card, sweetness. Me. SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR Shut up and swipe it. DOUG I can go for that. Doug swipes it through. DOUG ... that feel good? 'Cause I could swipe it all night. Doug keeps swiping it. The couple looks at each other. SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR It's fine. Good-bye. She hangs up. Doug happily hangs up. DOUG (notices couple still waiting) ... Oh, can I help you with something? ROW OF SILK FERNS A middle-aged lady CUSTOMER is perusing. Steve walks up. STEVE Excuse me, may I show you around the Silk Garden. Home of a wondrous variety of flora and fauna -- all made of silk. CUSTOMER #1 Are these supposed to be ferns? STEVE That's what people will say. But guess what? CUSTOMER #1 What? STEVE (whispers in ear) ... it's not real. It's silk. (acting in shock) Oh, be careful! CUSTOMER #1 What's wrong? STEVE You've accidentally wandered into the Enchanted Forest. Allow me to be your guide. Steve ducks behind the four or five silk trees that make up the "forest" and sticks his head out from between two trees -- now wearing a safari hat. He picks up a watering pot, tips it on a plant -- nothing comes out. STEVE You know what I just did? CUSTOMER #3 What? STEVE I just watered your plant for a whole year. CUE TO: LITTLE DIORAMA OF NIGHT It's a show box on the register counter, cut up silk flowers inside. Doug is making two figures dance. DOUG (male voice) What's up? You want to dance? (female voice) With you. Oh, God, yes. Doug slams the figures together, singing a dance song. Mr. Butabi enters. MR. BUTABI What are you doing? Doug pulls the diorama away. DOUG Not much. MR. BUTABI You don't spend enough time in dance clubs? You have to cut up my plants, and make toys of them? DOUG This club had a jungle theme. MR. BUTABI (calling off) Carlos! Come work the cash register. (to Doug) You get your brother and load the truck. CARLOS, middle-aged assistant manager, steps behind counter. Doug grabs the diorama and exits. CUT TO: EXT. STOREFRONT - LATER Next door to "BUTABI'S SILK GARDEN" is "BRIGHT IDEA" lamp store. Steve gingerly loads a tree into the store van. Doug tosses his in. EMILY (O.S.) Steve! Steve! Steve starts to turn. Doug tries to stop him. DOUG Don't look! EMILY ANDERSON, a plain over-eager girl, early 20s, bounces out of the lamp store, holding a CHANDELIER in one hand that TINKLES every time she moves. EMILY Hi, Steve. Hey, Doug. STEVE Hey, Emily. DOUG (turning away) Whatever. STEVE So, I guess you're back from school and working in the lamp store again. EMILY Yeah, I missed you. DOUG Pardon me. I got to talk to my brother a second. Doug pulls Steve aside. DOUG What, do you like her or something? STEVE No. DOUG Then why are you talking to her? STEVE She's talking to me. DOUG Steve, look at me. It is your destiny to be with a variety of lady girls. Not just one lamp store troll. And quite frankly, your level of looks is way above her level of looks. So for her own good, just walk away. STEVE You are so smart. DOUG That's why I'm here. EMILY So, Steve, you gonna ask me out 'cause I think we could have a really good time... STEVE Yeah, that sounds good. Doug annoyed, steps between them. DOUG Back off, chicklet! EMILY What's your problem. Doug? DOUG Emily, I don't know if you know this, but my brother and I? We live life in the fast lane. That means no stop signs, no red lights, and no pulling over to take pictures. Now you see this man over here? Doug motions to Steve. STEVE What's up? DOUG He's my co-pilot on this magic carpet ride. It's a two-man operation. One -- two -- (points at Emily) -- crowd. EMILY Shut up, Doug. DOUG Sh! I just don't want you to get hurt. Their father walks over. MR. BUTABI Emily! EMILY Hi, Mr. Butabi. Their father puts his arm around Steve. MR. BUTABI You know my son, Steve, here, likes you. STEVE Dad, come on! Doug, frustrated, walks away. FRED ANDERSON, Emily's overweight father, walks over, also holding a CHANDELIER and TINKLING, puts his arm around Emily. FRED (gregarious) Mr. Butabi, is Steve asking Emily to marry him again? Ha, ha. MR. BUTABI Ha, ha, with the way they carry on, I think they're already planning their honeymoon, Mr. Anderson. FRED Ha. Ha. Did I tell you? I've already booked a wedding band. MR. BUTABI Ha. Ha. Yes, and if they have enough grandchildren we won't have to hire salesmen anymore. Ha, ha, ha... Doug stands behind them and mocks laughing along with them. FRED Kamehl, you kill me. MR. BUTABI No, you kill me. You murder me. FRED (as he walks away) ... salesmen. That's great. Emily waves good-bye to Steve. DOUG Dad, can you just leave Steve alone? MR. BUTABI What? Your brother likes the girl. DOUG No, he doesn't. STEVE No, I don't. DOUG Dad, nothing personal, but Emily's like a pigwoman from a planet of pig people. And she's trying to take Steve on her porky little spaceship so she can take him back to the Planet Pig! STEVE Hey, Doug, you know what they eat on the Pig Planet? Bacon and sausage. DOUG (laughing) Nice call. They high five. STEVE Every once in a while I'll hit pay dirt. MR. BUTABI This is all too bad, because that girl is going to be his wife. DOUG No, she's not. STEVE (to Doug) You know, they could also eat ham. MR. BUTABI Enough of pig talk. Doug, do you see this wall? When they marry, we can knock it down. Then combine stores and have the first plant/lamp store. And Steve and Emily can run it and it's up to them if they want to keep you around. DOUG Are you seeing planes? Is your name Tatu? Because I think you're living on Fantasy Island. STEVE God, that was a sweet show. MR. BUTABI Yes, I have a fantasy. That I have two capable sons who listen to me. Look how you load the truck. You've done enough damage for one day. Get out of here. I'm sick of both of you! Their father slams the van closed and exits into the store. STEVE So, we're on a break? DOUG I guess. STEVE You want to Crunch it? DOUG Sure, I'll Crunch. CUT TO: INT. CRUNCH GYM - STEVE AND DOUG'S POV - DAY of the cardiovascular room. Long line of stairmasters, treadmills, etc. We PASS people working out. DOUG (O.S.) What's up, Stacey? STACEY rolls her eyes at them and turns away. STEVE (O.S.) Patty, work it. PATTY Shut up. DOUG (O.S.) Ritchie, you're the man. RITCHIE Fuck off. The guys stop to look at a WOMAN on the inner thigh machine. She opens and closes her legs, notices them. WOMAN What? They look back up and walk away. STEVE (O.S.) Tom-meee! Steve raises his hand to high five a bodybuilder, who ignores them. STEVE (O.S.) Catch you later. INT. WEIGHT ROOM - DAY A huge muscle guy is looking in the mirror as he pumps a barbell. Doug and Steve step over. This is the first time we see them, in their gym attire -- tight Spandex pants, mesh tank tops and giant weight belts. DOUG Excuse me, can the rest of us use the mirror? The muscle guy moves over. Doug picks up a small dumbbell. Steve spots. DOUG (pumps it) How's my form? STEVE Looking good. Relax the shoulders... breathe through it... lift don't swing... feel the burn... stitch in time... and let me hear this one... DOUG (screaming) Aaaaaaaaah! Steve joins in. DOUG/STEVE Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Doug finishes, drops dumbbell. DOUG Sweet pump. Got some veinage going. Two girls walk over. DOUG (whispers to Steve) Ask me what time it is. STEVE But I know what time it is. DOUG Hotties. STEVE Oh... (loudly) Excuse me, do you know what time it is? DOUG Sure, Let me check my watch. Doug elaborately twists his arm to look at his watch -- flexing his triceps and displaying them to their full advantage. DOUG I... think it's... quarter three. Doug stays unnaturally in that position till the girls leave. He relaxes. DOUG Ladies love triceps. CRAIG, an overenthusiastic trainer, steps up to them. CRAIG Doug! Steve! What's up? DOUG/STEVE Craig! CRAIG Looking large, gentlemen. You guys want the rest of my power bar? -- holding it up. DOUG (holding it up) No, we got a Nitro bar. CRAIG (holding it up) How 'bout an Energy Booster Bar? STEVE (holding it up) No, we got a Muscle Triplicator Bar. CRAIG Okay, but let me know if you need some carbs. I got a case of 'carbolicious' in the back. But supplements aside, can I get some quality time with you fellas? DOUG We're in between sets. Lay it on. CRAIG How long we been friends? STEVE All seven years of high school. CRAIG That's right. That's why I got to be real with you now. And I'm not gonna sugar coat it. As a professional trainer, I'm a little worried about your pecs. You guys don't go all the way down. It's called full extension. And I'm not seeing it. DOUG Craig, you're right. We actually had a long talk about that the other night. CRAIG I just don't want you to cheat yourselves. I'm sorry I had to come down on you like this, but in a weird way, that's my job. DOUG Hey, that's why we love you and we hate you. CRAIG Still friends? STEVE/DOUG You know it. CRAIG I'm glad we had this talk. STEVE Hey, we don't talk, we do. They all nod. INT. AEROBICS CLASS - LATER A very fit AEROBICS TEACHER stands on a mini-stage. AEROBICS TEACHER Okay, everybody, I'm Shelley. Are you ready to Cardio-Funk? CROWD (O.S.) Yeah! DOUG No!... Yes! STEVE Oh, man, you are hilarious. They high-five. MUSIC STARTS. "MOVE YOUR BODY" by Amber. AEROBICS TEACHER Okay! Here comes the countdown! Three... two... one! PAN a line of aerobicizers. Everyone is in synch -- except Doug and Steve, who work out chaotically. AEROBICS TEACHER ... and kick! Everyone kicks. But, they continue their hyper dance. AEROBICS TEACHER ... and reach. Everyone reaches. They continue being out of synch. Suddenly, they stop, put fingers on their necks and stare up at a clock. Simultaneously, they go right back into their manical dance. MUSIC ENDS. Everyone but Doug and Steve stop. People stare at them. They continue in silence, then slowly wind down as they notice people staring. DOUG Alright! Yeah! STEVE Cardio-funk! DOUG Thank you, Shelley! Shelley stares at them. After a few uncomfortable beats. DOUG/STEVE ... what's up? CUT TO: EXT. CRUNCH GYM - AFTERNOON Doug and Steve simultaneously put on their sunglasses. STEVE Should we go back to work? DOUG Probably. STEVE What do you want to do? DOUG We shaked it, let's bake it. They walk off. CUT TO: EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON Guys drive along highway in BMW. Ocean on one side. Steve stares off at the ocean. STEVE Water. DOUG Where? STEVE There. Doug turns. DOUG Right. EXT. BEACH - AFTERNOON We see Steve and Doug, waist up. They have lotion caked up unevenly on themselves. STEVE You know, I told Dad we should put some ferns and some silk banana trees in front of the store. 'Cause then passersby and the like could see 'em and we could attract more customers. DOUG (unsure what he just heard) Moonwalk that by me again? STEVE I just said I was talking to Dad about the store and... DOUG The store? You're sitting around thinking about the store? STEVE Yeah. DOUG Why? STEVE That's where we work. DOUG (exploding) That's right. And is that all you want to do with your life? Is that all you think we're capable of doing -- Two hot bikini babes walk past them. Guys immediately stop arguing and turn. We -- CUT TO: SAME SCENE - WIDE ANGLE -- to see the guys full body, for the first time. They're wearing black Gucci G-string bathing suits. They flex and hold uncomfortable body positions to show off their muscles. DOUG What's up? STEVE Want to go for a swim or what? DOUG (strangled, twisting arm unnaturally) ... about quarter after... five The girls walk away. The guys stop flexing and resume their argument. DOUG -- capable of doing with our lives! STEVE Hey, Doug, why are you Mt. St. Helensing on me? DOUG Because I want more for you. I care about you. STEVE That is so sweet of you. DOUG I know. And you deserve better. You deserve to get into the Roxbury. STEVE Doug, there's a list. You have to be like a Richard Grieco type guy. DOUG Steve, we are the Richard Grieco type guys. We should be on that list. We're 'A' club people leading a 'B' club life. STEVE We've been going to 'B' Clubs? Why didn't you ever tell me this? DOUG I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I know how sensitive you are. DOUG 'Cause we settle. 'Cause we keep going to all those 'B' clubs ever night They can smell 'B' club on us like barf in a bathroom. From now on, the only club we go to is the Roxbury. STEVE But, how -- DOUG But, nothing. STEVE We can't -- DOUG We can. And we will. Because no matter how many lists and roped off areas the big bouncer in the sky throws in front of us, we will get through. You know why? STEVE We're good-looking? DOUG Very good-looking. You especially. Now, repeat after me. STEVE 'After me.' Sorry. I'm just kidding. DOUG (completely serious) And it was hysterical. I'm just not laughing to preserve the drama of the previous moment. STEVE Understood. Continue. DOUG Repeat after me. We can get in the Roxbury. STEVE We can get into the Roxbury. STEVE/DOUG Roxbury! Roxbury! Roxbury! They leap up and down. Two girls walk by. They immediately stop. DOUG/STEVE What's up? CUT TO: INT. BUTABI LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Mr. Butabi, Mrs. Butabi, Fred Anderson, MABEL ANDERSON, Fred's middle America wife, and Emily are having coffee in the living room. Emily is obviously dressed up to attract Steve. MR. BUTABI (mid-conversation) ... And then, and I swear this is true, someone came into the store today and thought it was a real plant store. MABEL No? MR. BUTABI I would not kid about that. Doug and Steve burst in, still in their black Gucci G- strings, head up the stairs. MR. BUTABI Hello? Doug and Steve turn. DOUG Hey. STEVE What's up? MR. BUTABI The Andersons here. Get dressed and come join us. STEVE Okay. DOUG Steve! Sorry, Dad, we're busy tonight. EMILY I like your bathing suit, Steve. STEVE Thanks Emily. DOUG Steve, again! STEVE I mean, whatever, Emily. DOUG Nice to see you, folks. The guys rush upstairs. Suddenly, we hear MUSIC pounding from their room. MR. BUTABI Excuse me a minute. Mr. Butabi goes upstairs. INT. DOUG AND STEVE'S ROOM - NIGHT The guys are picking out their clothes in the closet Mr. Butabi enters and shuts off the MUSIC. MR. BUTABI If I tell you to do something, you do it. And what is this business of coming in naked. Put on your pants and come down. DOUG Ain't on our 'Things to do' list. Daddy-o. Steve and I have something extremely important to do tonight. MR. BUTABI Yes, to come downstairs. DOUG Dad! Doug goes in their bathroom and slams the door. MR. BUTABI Why can I not get through to him? STEVE Dad, Doug is like a fax machine. You just keep putting things in, face down, and you need to have a cover page, because if you don't -- people don't know where it's coming from and sometimes you don't get through on the first call. That's why you got a redial button and a memory button because... you know... actually, I never use those buttons. I always screw it up. I don't know. Doug opens the bathroom door. DOUG (to Steve) Don't try to explain it to him. He'll never understand. MR. BUTABI Oh, I understand. You are going out tonight. DOUG That's right. MR. BUTABI I just don't understand what you're driving. Mr. Butabi takes their keys off the dresser and grabs their cell phones and starts to exit. DOUG/STEVE Hey! Dad! What are you doing! Mr. Butabi exits. INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER Emily is standing, singing "Memories" from Cats. Everyone is listening. EMILY 'Memories, all alone in the moonlight...' Fred nods "isn't she good" to Kamehl, who agrees. Steve and Doug, dressed to kill, stomp down the stairs. Doug turns to Mr. Butabi. DOUG You can take away our phones. You can take away our keys. But, you can't take away our dreams! STEVE That's right. 'Cause we're like sleeping when we have them. DOUG Later much. The guys exit. Steve pauses a moment. STEVE Emily, nice voice. DOUG (O.S.) Steve! Steve exits. CUT TO: EXT. BUTABI HOUSE - CONTINOUS ACTION Mrs. Butabi runs after them, holding old brick-sized cell phones. MRS. BUTABI Boys! Boys! The guys stop. MRS. BUTABI I don't like you going out without a phone. What if something happens? She hands them the cell phones. DOUG Ma, these are embarrassing. MRS. BUTABI Take it in case of emergency. She kisses them and walks back in. DOUG Did Ma get lipstick on me? STEVE Yeah, but it looks like you were making out. DOUG Oh, good. In b.g., Mom gets knocked over by Great Danes. No one notices. CUT TO: EXT. SUNSET BLVD. - LATER We see the van driving down the street. INT. SILK GARDEN VAN - CONTINUOUS ACTION Doug Pulls down sun visor, checks his hair. Tries rear- view mirror -- still good. Then leans across Steve, who's driving, and looks in the driver's side view mirror -- still good. DOUG Steve, how's my hair? STEVE Looks good. DOUG Roxbury good? STEVE You know it. How do I look? DOUG Robust and attractive. I gotta tell you -- tonight, I can taste it. Steve doesn't respond and suddenly SLAMS the BRAKES. Doug gets thrown forward. STEVE (completely losing it) I can't taste it, Doug! I can't! I'm so scared right now I don't know what to do! DOUG (calming him down) Bro, you're mad cowing on me. Relax. STEVE I'm nervous, man. We've put all this pressure on ourselves to get into the Roxbury, and I don't know if we can deliver! DOUG You gotta take control of yourself. STEVE No, you gotta take control! I am barely hanging on here!... You... Steve starts crying. Doug cradles him. DOUG Whoa... settle down... relax... think puppies and candy canes... easy... Doug notices two girls walking by the van. DOUG What's up? STEVE (completely recovered) How you doing, little lady? From O.S., a beer BOTTLE flies INTO FRAME at them and SMASHES on the van. DOUG Alright. Maybe later then. STEVE Doug, I see your Roxbury balloon, and I hate to be the one to burst it. I just don't think our names are on that list. DOUG Steve, get real. The bouncer isn't checking a list. He's checking us. Man, I can't believe all this time, that's what you thought. STEVE So, why didn't we ever get in before? DOUG We were kids. We were completely immature. STEVE But that was last night. And now we don't even have our car. DOUG Perfect. Rites of passage. Like that Africa show on P.B.S. When it's time for a boy to become a man, they send him to the jungle with nothing but a spear to hunt the lion The van is our spear and the Roxbury is our lion. And when the hunt is over, we shall be men. STEVE Does the bouncer know about this? DOUG Look, Steve, what really matters is that at the end of the night -- when all is said and done and all hotties have been hit upon -- if either of us has just one girl's number, just one, then we'll know, for the first time in our lives, we're really worth something. EXT. ROXBURY CLUB - NIGHT The guys pull up -- get out. Steve tosses Doug the keys. Doug tosses the keys to the valet -- who ignores them. Keys fall to the ground. Doug runs over, picks up keys -- hands them to the valet. Walks back to Steve. DOUG Storm the castle. STEVE Take no prisoners. Doug and Steve try to walk/bop up to the Bouncer. They wave to people who aren't there, trying to act cool, and attempt to walk in. Bouncer stops them. DOUG Hey, my good hombre, remember us from last night? BOUNCER No. STEVE Doug and Steve Butabi. BOUNCER You're brothers? DOUG/STEVE No... Yes! STEVE Works every time. They laugh hysterically. BOUNCER Now, I remember. You can't come in. A flashy guy walks past them, in SLOW MOTION, slapping a fifty dollar bill into the Bouncer's hand and entering. DOUG (aside to Steve) Okay, it's time to play a little softball. DOUG Hello, my good man. How's it going tonight? BOUNCER Good. You're still not getting in. DOUG Well, that's not what a good friends of mine told me. Maybe you know him? His name is Abraham. Doug drops a five dollar bill on the Bouncer's clipboard. The Bouncer doesn't move. DOUG You don't know him? STEVE How 'bout his two friends? George Washington and... George Washington? Steve drops two one-dollar bills. The Bouncer doesn't move. DOUG Let's not forget the other boy in the band, Mr. Hamilton. He's a little lonely, wants to join his buddies. DOUG holds out a ten. He waves it up and down, sideways, drops it, but the Bouncer still doesn't respond. STEVE Wait up, look what we got here... Steve reaches into his pocket, pulls out some change, starts dropping coins. STEVE Mr. Jefferson, Jefferson, Lincoln... DOUG ...Roosevelt, Roosevelt, Roosevelt, Roosevelt, and a commemorative coin -- '84 Olympics -- what a proud chapter in Angelino history. The Bouncer looks down and turns his clipboard over, dropping all the money to the ground. OFF guys' reaction... CUT TO: INT. SILK VAN - LATER The van stops and starts as they look out the window. DOUG There's one! Steve stops. They look out. STEVE That's not an A.T.M. That's where you drop off your videos. DOUG Wait, there's one! Steve stops short. They look out. CUT TO: EXT. VAN - CONTINOUS ACTION We see a yellow FERRARI BARREL into the back of the flower van. CUT TO: INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS ACTION The guys are thrown forward. All the plants are thrown on top of them. CUT TO: EXT. VAN - CONTINOUS ACTION Richard Grieco is driving the other car, BLONDE MODEL with him. RICHARD GRIECO Oh, shit! The car. BLONDE MODEL Car? What about me? RICHARD GRIECO No, this car is illegal. All I need is a police report. BLONDE What do you mean? RICHARD GRIECO It's a racing car. I imported it illegally. The guys slowly get out of their van, dazed, dragging plants as they get out. STEVE You okay? DOUG Let me see... Doug slowly bops his head, feeling if there's anything loose. RICHARD GRIECO Ah, great. They're starting in with the neck injuries. I'm screwed. Both guys check if their heads still work. Grieco comes over. RICHARD GRIECO Hey, sorry about your car. DOUG No way. Richard Grieco! STEVE Remember, we saw you last night? Grieco nods, unsure, but agreeable. DOUG (To Richard) Like Walt Disney says, my man, 'It's a small world after it all.' RICHARD GRIECO So, are you guys alright? STEVE My neck hurts. RICHARD GRIECO (re: cars) Right, so, what do you want to do? DOUG We were just going to the Roxbury again. STEVE But we couldn't get in. RICHARD GRIECO Hey, you guys want me to get you in the Roxbury? DOUG/STEVE Yeah! RICHARD GRIECO Great. Follow me. Grieco goes back to his car. STEVE This is amazing. DOUG See? It all comes from within. And he felt it. Because he's an actor and he's very sensitive. The guys get back in the van. INT. VAN DOUG Put in 'D' and blast me. Steve shoots Binaca spray into Doug's mouth and shifts. GRIECO'S CAR (MOVING) Grieco is driving. RICHARD GRIECO We got to make a stop at the Roxbury. BLONDE MODEL What about the party? RICHARD GRIECO I don't want a lawsuit, okay? CUT TO: EXT. ROXBURY - LATER Richard Grieco walks with the Blonde Model, Steve and Doug trailing behind, walking past a huge line of club goers. Steve starts breathing heavy -- he's nervous. DOUG Steve, keep it together. Think F-R-A. Focus, rhythm, attitude. STEVE Got it... Fra. They all reach the entrance. BOUNCER Mr. Grieco. Nice to see you. RICHARD GRIECO I got two. DOUG (to Bouncer) That's right. We're with Richard Grieco. STEVE (to line of people) That's right. Grieco! CUT TO: INT. ROXBURT - CONTINOUS ACTION Red velvet curtains. Steve and Doug push through the curtains and are stunned. STEVE AND DOUG'S POV Beautiful, sexy, expensively dressed people mill around. BACK TO SCENE STEVE Oh my God, Doug, this is the most amazing place I've ever been. RICHARD GRIECO Hey guys! This is the coat room. The club's in here. The guys follow Grieco. INT. DANCE CLUB - CONTINOUS ACTION The guys enter with Grieco. MUSIC BLASTING. Long, crowded bar, odd-shaped velvet couches, model types are Velcroed to the walls, huge crowded dance floor. This is it. STEVE/DOUG (stunned) ...Sweet. The guys follow Grieco, greeting passing women. DOUG Whats' up? STEVE What's up?... (faster) What's up, what's up, whats' up, what's up, what's up... DOUG Steve! Get a hold of yourself. STEVE Sorry, it's hottie overload in here. DOUG Pace yourself. STEVE (counting to himself) ... What's up?... two, three... What's up? MR. ZADIR, the club owner, 45, Armani suit, magnanimously greets them, holding a drink -- he speaks with a foreign accent. MR. ZADIR Richard, my man! Good to see you. RICHARD GRIECO Benny. Place is kickin'. MR. ZADIR Actually, it's jumping. Like '21 Jump Street,' right? Ha! (to Steve and Doug) My children watch the reruns on T.V. land. (to Grieco) Who are your friends? RICHARD GRIECO Oh, guys, this is Mr. Zadir. He owns this place. These are uh.. DOUG Doug Butabi. STEVE Steve Butabi. MR. ZADIR Let me show you my V.I.P. table. They follow Zadir through the crowd. As they walk... DOUG (aside to Steve) Oh my God! The owner. STEVE I know! DOUG He's the man who pulls the strings. The Gepetto of party. STEVE Plus, he's the owner. DOUG Sh! Listen and learn, my friend. They arrive at a table overlooking the dance floor. MR. ZADIR (waving to someone O.S.) Yes! I see you! Excuse me, I have to say hello to Bob Saget. Mr. Zadir exits. RICHARD GRIECO So, you guys come here a lot? DOUG Yeah, all the time. STEVE But, we're never been inside. Grieco and his date look at each other. DOUG (aside) Steve, what are you saying, be cool. (to Grieco) So, is Johnny Depp meeting you here or what? RICHARD GRIECO No. So you guys look like you really know how to party. DOUG Oh, yeah, we never stop. STEVE We're pretty much out of control. Mr. Zadir returns, shouting behind him. MR. ZADIR (to Bob O.S.) I get it, Bob, the club is crowded, so it's a 'Full House' like your show. (to Richard) He's too much. Grieco and his date start to get up. RICHARD GRIECO Benny, we'll see you at the party. I'll see you guys. DOUG/STEVE See ya. Richard Grieco! RICHARD GRIECO (To Blonde) Their necks looked alright, right? Grieco and Blonde exit. A waiter puts a bottle of champagne on the table and Zadir begins to pour glasses -- he's obviously had a few. DOUG Sir, I just want to say, and I mean this with the utmost sincerity, it is an honor to shoot the shit with the owner of the club of all clubs. STEVE Yeah, and we're proficient club hoppers -- so we know what we're talking about. MR. ZADIR Thank you. DOUG I mean, we usually go this place called 'The Palace' and that place is rank. The music is ancient. STEVE Yeah, no celeb citings and the women are oinkers. DOUG And they let any asswad in the door. It's the worst. MR. ZADIR I own that place also. DOUG Yeah, but it's a really good location. STEVE And the drinks are reasonably priced. MR. ZADIR No, no. You are right. That's what's wrong with this club business. One day you are hot next day you are not. People get bored easily. DOUG Well, you know I had this great idea. You should make this place like a tropical jungle. STEVE Yeah, lots of silk plants and vines. DOUG Yeah, but they're not real vines. They're bungee cords and people could like swing from one end to the other so if you left your friends at the bar, you could get back to them. Mr. Zadir is half listening to them as he drinks. STEVE Yeah, and the barmaids could wear loincloths -- but tasteful. Like the ones they wear in strip clubs. MR. ZADIR You could not insure bungee cords. People jumping back and forth. Too expensive. STEVE Okay. Hit delete on that one. Doug, tell him about your street idea. DOUG I was just thinking, you know how people get bummed waiting outside to get in the club. Zadir nods, listening to this one. STEVE This is good. You're gonna love this. DOUG Well, you make the outside of the club look like the inside. You know, you put down a rug outside and some couches and pipe out some music. People will love it. But, then on the inside. STEVE Oh, this is the good part. DOUG ... Looks like the street. You know, you park some cars inside, a mailbox, street signs, and that way when they come in, it's like the outside is the inside and inside is the outside. STEVE Doesn't that blow your mind? MR. ZADIR It hurts my brain to think about it. CUT TO: CAMBI and VIVICA, predatory model types, scope out the place. CAMBI What about that guy? VIVICA He owns a restaurant. CAMBI How many? VIVICA One. CAMBI Uch. How'd he get in? VIVICA (annoyed) ... Look, I don't see anything over six figures... So, let's just go. Vivica stabs out her cigarette, begins to pack up. CAMBI Wait a second. That's that Zadir guy. Vivica looks up. STEVE AND DOUG AND MR. ZADIR laughing and drinking champagne. CAMBI and VIVICA CAMBI Too bad he's married. He owns all the clubs in town. Plus, dry cleaners, that beeper service, and Mailboxes, Etc... VIVICA Who are those guys with him? Cambi reaches into her purse and pulls out Money magazine's richest people issue. CAMBI I can't find them, but if they're with Zadir, they've got to be worth something. VIVICA Great. Let's work. TABLE The guys are pitching Zadir another idea, GILBERT GOTTFRIED comes over. GILBERT GOTTFRIED Oh my God! Benny! Benny! Benny! Benny! MR. ZADIR Gilbert Gottfried, who let you in? GILBERT GOTTFRIED You have to say hello to my friend at the other table. Not this table. No. No. The other one. Looks like this table -- other people around it. I have a friends and he needs you to say hello to him at the other table. MR. ZADIR You have a friend? GILBERT GOTTFRIED Oh my God! You got me! I didn't see it coming. No. It was coming but I was not able to see it. MR. ZADIR I better go before he explodes. Gilbert and Zadir walk away. DOUG (nervous) Was I too pushy? I was too pushy. Did I speak well? STEVE You were totally articulate. DOUG Maybe he didn't like our ideas. It's hard to pitch in a night club. You ever notice, the music is blasting in here. We should try to get a meeting. Steve starts looking off at something, mesmerized. DOUG So, Steve, what if we... Doug sees what Steve is watching. He also becomes mesmerized. CAMBI AND VIVICA In SLOW MOTION, like two cars, the girls saunter across the dance floor, toward Steve and Doug. STEVE and DOUG even more mesmerized. CAMBI AND VIVICA even closer. STEVE AND DOUG still staring at the girls. The girls walk up to them. STEVE (on automatic) Up what's? You want to dance? VIVICA Yes. DOUG Steve, she said 'Yes.' STEVE What? DOUG (amazed) Hotties want to shake it, come on. DANCE FLOOR Steve and Doug surround the girls and frenetically gyrate, pushing into them. The girls escape and Steve and Doug end up slam dancing against each other. CAMBI Hey, guys! Over here. Cambi takes Doug's hand. Vivica grabs Steve's hand. "This is Your Night" by AMBER starts. The following is a perfectly choreographed dance to the music. The girls dance seductively, dancing toward the boys. Doug and Steve, unsure what's going on, look at each other. Simultaneously, the girls start to mimic the girls' moves. The boys do some hand jive, the girls match them perfectly. They begin a variety of dips, swings and techno style dances. They're incredible. The crowd watches them... Doug and Steve start doing some moves together. An impressed JOHN TRAVOLTA comes over to them. John adds his own movements and the guys follow suit. John, Steve, Doug, and the girls do a synchronized dance. THE MUSIC STOPS. Crowd cheers. STEVE (to Travolta) Bro, you are incredible! DOUG Seriously, unbelievable stuff out there. So, you want to hang out? JOHN TRAVOLTA No. Travolta starts to exit. STEVE Alright, catch you later then. JOHN TRAVOLTA I don't think so. CUT TO: EXT. LAUREL CANYON -- LATER Mr. Zadir's black limo is driving. INT. LIMO - CONTINUOUS ACTION Doug, Steve, Mr. Zadir, Vivica and Cambi are inside. Zadir pops open a bottle of Dom Perignon and starts pouring. VIVICA Wow, 1980, good year! DOUG Oh, '80 was an excellent year. Devo had a big hit that year. STEVE Yeah, and 'Joanie loves Chachie' started that year. DOUG That was just a cheap spinoff. STEVE That was a spinoff? DOUG Of course, those characters originated on 'Happy Days.' STEVE I did not know that. CAMBI Sure, 'Joanie Loves Chachi.' But, does Chachi give a Fuck about Joanie? MR. ZADIR Cambi makes a good point. But tonight we should have fun, not dwell on Scott Baio. STEVE (drinking) Sweet suds, Mr. Zadir. DOUG Dom Perignon's good but you know what really makes a party -- Redi Whip. STEVE But not like when you put it on stuff. It's when you're half pressing on that little white nozzle and like before it comes out, you suck on it, and it's really fun. CAMBI You mean like nitrous oxide? Whippets? DOUG/STEVE (taken aback) ... No! DOUG (dumbfounded) Tscha! What is that? Mr. Zadir lowers the panel between the driver and the rear. MR. ZADIR (to driver) Dooey! We must stop and get Redi Whip! DOOEY, 35, black suit and tie, looks in a rearview mirror . DOOEY Yes, sir. Zadir raises the panel. STEVE (to Dooey) But it has to be Redi Whip in a can! MR. ZADIR Wait, he can't hear you. Zaidir lowers the panel, nods to Steve. STEVE I was just saying it has to be Redi Whip in a can. DOOEY (annoyed) Right. Zadir raises the panel. DOUG He really can't hear us? MR. ZADIR No. DOUG Dooey, tell your mother I had a really good time last night! STEVE And your father! DOUG What? STEVE I mean your sister! DOUG Good one. The guys high five. Cambi and Vivica exchange looks of disbelief. Dooey lowers the panel. DOOEY Mr. Zadir, I'm pulling over here to get whipped cream. CUT TO: EXT. 7-11- CONTINOUS ACTION Dooey pulls over and gets out. Doug looks out the window. DOUG'S POV He watches Dooey talking to the cash register person. DOUG I'll be right back. Doug gets out. CUT TO: INT. 7-11- CONTINOUS ACTION Dooey hands the cash register person a credit card, who swipes it. Doug rushes in. DOUG I'll take care of it. Doug grabs the phone. DOUG Operator 238, please... What's up? CUT TO: INT. CREDIT CARD CENTER - CONTINOUS ACTION It's the same Switchboard Operator he talked to at the store. The following conversation is INTERCUT... SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR (resigned) Hello, Doug. DOUG Guess where we went tonight? SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR Let me see, the 7-11 on Ventura? DOUG No, I mean, before this, you sly little credit vixen. SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR Doug! DOUG The Roxbury with Richard Grieco and Bob Saget. You gotta come out sometime. SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR I would. But then there'd be no one to approve all the money you spend. DOUG You're always thinking of me. SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR The card's good. 'Bye, Doug. She hangs up. Doug hands the phone back. DOUG She approved. CUT TO: EXT. MANSION - LATER Modern style house. Lights dot a gravel driveway that leads to the entrance. The limo drives up. STEVE (V.O.) Sweet ass cottage, Mr. Zadir. EXT. BACK YARD OF MANSION THERE'S A PARTY IN FULL SWING. Spice Girls are performing. A pool with a waterfall is the center of the party. People are dancing, drinking, swimming, etc. PATIO DOOR opens. Doug, Steve, Mr. Zadir and the girls enter. DOUG Mr. Zadir, I am very impressed. For a guy who owns sleazy night clubs, the decor in your house is quite tasteful. STEVE Good one. The guys nod to each other, proud of their compliment. CAMBI Excuse us, we're going to the ladies' room. The girls walk off. Mr. Zadir notices something. MR. ZADIR Anna Nicole! Put something on! You are making us sick! Mr. Zadir walks away. DOUG Do you feel it, Steve? We are finally experiencing the party lifestyle to the fullest degree. Let's mingle. They walk over to a Fabio type MODEL GUY. DOUG How's it hanging? You want to mingle? STEVE Cool party, huh? MODEL GUY (who the hell are these guys) ... I guess. DOUG Yeah, I'd say it's kicking into gear right about... Steve and Doug pause a moment. Model Guy looks at each of them. STEVE ... now. DOUG So, what do you do? MODEL GUY I'm a model. DOUG Oh, right. So are we. STEVE It's a hard job. DOUG Yeah, you know, like you got to stand still all the time and uh... STEVE (racking his brain) ... Standing still. Standing still is really hard. My foot cramps sometimes. MODEL GUY I know what you mean. What agency you with? Elite, Ford? STEVE Uh huh. DOUG (to Model) So, do you like mingling? MODEL GUY Excuse me. The Model Guy walks away. STEVE Nice guy. DOUG (off at Model Guy) See you on the shoot! As they start eating their pasta primavera again, a NAKED WOMAN emerges from the pool and walks directly towards them. Steve and Doug forget how to chew and stand, stunned. NAKED WOMAN Can you pass me a towel, please? They talk directly to her breasts, trying to be nonchalant, but answering questions she hasn't asked. STEVE Good. How are you? DOUG ... about eight o'clock, eight fifteen. NAKED WOMAN They're right behind you. Can you just reach over? STEVE Thanks. All the time. DOUG Sagittarius. STEVE BMW. DOUG Right off Sunset. STEVE Vanilla mostly. She shoves by them and exits. Mr. Zadir comes over. MR. ZADIR Look at this, I have the Spice Girls, yet nobody is dancing. The guys snap out of it. DOUG With all due party-throwing respect, you know what the problem is, Mr. Zadir? This pool is taking up all the prime dancing real estate. STEVE Yeah, you know, if there were a big piece of glass you could put over the pool, you could use it as a dance floor. And it would be really sweet because people would feel like they were dancing on water. DOUG And you could put fish in the water and it would be like the ocean. STEVE Or, Doug, you know what would be another amazing idea? You could have a special room for people who want to dance naked. DOUG Plus, then you could have a room next to that room with a one-way mirror so other people could watch them. MR. ZADIR (calming them down) Boys, boys, please let's not talk business. We'll schedule a meeting for this. Guys silently/joyously high five their meeting. Cambi, Vivica enter. CAMBI There you are. VIVICA We got scared. DOUG (protective) Of who? We'll kick his ass. CAMBI No, we got scared someone stole you away from us. Doug and Steve ponder the meaning of this statement for a beat, having rarely heard a compliment. DOUG (realizes it's a compliment) Oh... (to Steve) Like some other girls would steal us away. STEVE Oh, right... Oh! CAMBI Mr. Zadir, would you mind if we borrowed them for a while? MR. ZADIR Yes... They all look at him. MR. ZADIR ... No! (laughs) Got you! DOUG Good one, Mr. Zadir. STEVE He totally got me. DOUG Mr. Zadir, let me just say that you, sir, are a load and a half. MR. ZADIR (laughing) Thank you, Doug! The guys and girls exit. CUT TO: INT. MASTER BEDROOM - LATER The guys are entertaining the girls with their killer impression of Hall & Oates. DOUG/STEVE (singing) ... Oh, oh, here she comes... The guys do a "here she comes" step. STEVE Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up. Doug chews. STEVE Whoa, here she comes... DOUG/STEVE She's a maneater! The girls look blankly at them. The guys stop. DOUG Guess who that was? VIVICA I have no idea. DOUG Well, I was supposed to have a moustache. VIVICA Sonny and Cher? STEVE Okay, we'll give you another hint. The guys get into their Hall and Oates positions. STEVE (singing) She's a rich girl. DOUG (singing) And she's going to go far 'cause she knows it doesn't matter anyway. Cambi stands. CAMBI (shutting them up) Guys, guys! I have an idea. You want to have some fun? DOUG Sure, fun is our last name. STEVE Plus, fun spelled backwards is 'nuf.' And you can never have 'nuf' fun. VIVICA (takes Steve by the hand) Great. Let's go. STEVE Where we going? VIVICA They're staying in here. And we're going in there. Vivica pulls Steve into an adjoining guest bedroom. DOUG (as the door shuts) Steve! STEVE Doug! INT. GUEST BEDROOM - CONTINOUS ACTION Vivica sits on the bed. Steve awkwardly stands by the door. VIVICA Nice room. STEVE Yeah, it's great. (yelling at door) Doug, you should check out this room! VIVICA I think he's busy. STEVE I'm just a big believer in sharing. Vivica sensually lies back on the bed, staring at Steve. Steve is uncomfortable, starts walking around. VIVICA Steve, why don't you come over here? Vivica pats the bed a few times, inviting him over. Steve watches. Thinks. Then goes over to the bed and also pats it a few times, turning it into a drum solo. VIVICA (stopping him) Steve! Steve stops, looks at her. STEVE Viv, you know what I heard when I first met you? VIVICA What? Steve starts making a very loud inappropriate shrill ambulance siren sound -- over and over. VIVICA What are you doing? Steve stops. STEVE That's an ambulance. Coming to take me away because the sight of you just stopped my heart. Steve is very proud of his comment, and makes another siren sound. CUT TO: INT. MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION Doug is sitting next to Cambi, trying to think of something to say. DOUG (trying to be suave) So, Cambi, can I ask you something? Do you like blueberries or strawberries? MR. CAMBI Why? DOUG I want to know what type of pancakes to order you in the morning. He looks proud of his line as we begin to hear Steve O.S. -- from the next room -- making more SIREN SOUNDS, over and over. DOUG You know, I was wondering... (snaps, annoyed at siren sound) Steve! STEVE (O.S.) (stops siren sound) ... Sorry! DOUG I was wondering... Doug starts looking at Cambi's shirt label. CAMBI What are you doing? DOUG Checking your label. Just as I thought. Made in heaven. CAMBI Doug, you've gotten past the opening line. DOUG Hey, is that a mirror in your pocket? CAMBI What? DOUG 'Cause I can see myself in your pants. CAMBI Hey, Doug, if I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me? DOUG (confused) What? CUT TO: INT. GUEST BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION Steve and Vivica sitting on the bed. STEVE And this guy on the phone turns around and he tips his hat like this. Doug does a "tip your hat" motion. STEVE And who do you think the guy was? Vivica is bored. CUT TO: INT. MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION. Doug is telling Cambi the same story. DOUG And Steve was like 'Emilioooo!' CUT TO: INT. GUEST BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION Steve is telling the story. STEVE ... Emilioooo! CUT TO: INT. MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION Doug still telling story. DOUG Emilioooo! And it was really him. CAMBI Is this your first time? DOUG What? Oh my God. That is hilarious. That is so hilarious! (yelling at the door) Steve, did you hear that? (to Cambi) You don't even know how funny that is. You are funny. You don't even know how funny you are! Man! Cambi pounces on Doug with a kiss. CUT TO: INT. GUEST BEDROOM - CONTINOUS ACTION Vivica is inches away from Steve's mouth. STEVE Vivica, I've been thinking. Our relationship is really going strong now. We've had some great times together that I'll never forget. Remember when I saw you at the pool? VIVICA Yeah? STEVE So, I was just remembering back. (sighs) You know, an open dialogue is an essential element to any successful long term relationship. I think we have something special going on here and I don't want to move too fast. VIVICA Is this your first time? STEVE Yes. Isn't it yours? Vivica smiles and pounces on Steve, knocking him OUT OF FRAME. CUT TO: INT. MANSION HALLWAY - LATER The bedroom doors simultaneously open. Doug and Steve excited, run into the hallway. STEVE Doug, oh my god! DOUG Oh my God! Did you just? 'Cause I just! STEVE This is unbelievable! DOUG This is historical! This what it's all about! Up Top! They high-five. Doug suddenly catches himself, changes back to cool attitude -- Steve follows. DOUG Not that it hasn't happened before. STEVE Of course not. DOUG I mean it was alright. STEVE The usual. They stand there, posing cool, but awkward for a beat. STEVE I'm gonna go back in the -- DOUG Me, too. I'll see you later. They run back in the bedrooms. CUT TO: EXT. BUTABI HOUSE - DAWN Mr. Zadir's limo pulls up. Doug and Steve get out, shut door. Car drives off. The guys stand in place, in reverie. DOUG Hey, Steve? STEVE Yeah, Doug. DOUG That was great. STEVE I know. Are we A club people now? Doug looks at him -- then to answer, he pulls out a small piece of paper, shows it to Steve. STEVE You got a number! Wooo! DOUG/STEVE Woo! We got a number! They jump up and down, embracing, happy as hell. CUT TO: INT. DOUG AND STEVE'S ROOM - NEXT DAY Doug is working feverishly at his desk. There are phone books, rolodex, staplers, notepads in front of him. Steve enters with a shopping bag. DOUG Where have you been? We've got to get ready for our business meeting with Mr. Zadir? STEVE I got some great new supplies for our business. Steve starts pulling items out of the bag, Doug doesn't pay attention. STEVE 'Post Its' to annotate important documents. 'Little Post Its' 'cause you write smaller than me. 'While you were out' pads -- for while you are out. Scotch tape, in case the Post Its lose their adhesive-osity. And mugs with our names on them. Yours says, 'Doug.' Doug turns around. DOUG Okay, here's what we're gonna do. STEVE (interrupting) Did you call Mr. Zadir? DOUG Steve, before you talk to a man like Mr. Zadir, you have to have a fully developed plan of attack. You have to have all your ducks in row. STEVE I didn't know to get ducks. DOUG That's an expression. STEVE So, we're going back to the dance club idea? DOUG Yeah. Now you set up the office. I'm gonna call some real estate people to talk about locations. At that point, I'd like to schedule a meeting. Can you do tweleve thirty. Doug checks his Filofax. Steve unwraps a new Filofax and starts looking through it. STEVE I'm clear. DOUG Great. Be prepared to discuss possible club names and themes. STEVE What about music? DOUG We'll have to schedule another meeting for that. Hey, you know what? Maybe we should have a pre- meeting to brainstorm before our scheduled meeting. STEVE Yeah. That way we won't look like idiots at our meeting. DOUG Exactly. Okay, I'm gonna roll a few calls. We should order in. STEVE I can take care of that. (to door) Ma! Doug pulls out the phone, starts dialing. Steve starts organizing the desk. DOUG Hey, Steve? STEVE Yeah? DOUG I was just thinking. Dad would really be proud of us right now. They both smile. Mrs. Butabi enters. MRS. BUTABI Boys, your father's furious. You were supposed to be at work an hour ago. DOUG Alright, we're gonna have to do some re-scheduling. CUT TO: INT. SILK PLANT STORE -AFTERNOON Doug, behind cash register, holding clipboard, on the phone. DOUG Yes, hello, I'm interested in your sound systems. I've heard good things about your woofers and tweeters. Steve walks over. STEVE Doug, I... DOUG I'm on a call. Steve nods, knowing what to do. He pulls a Post-It, writes something down and sticks it on Doug's clipboard. A LADY walks up with a small plant. Doug puts a "Register Closed" sign on the counter. The Lady leaves and we FOLLOW her TO Mr. Butabi. LADY Mr. Butabi, where is the other cash register? MR. BUTABI'S POV Cash register. There are several Post-Its stuck to the counter. Steve is filling out another one. BACK TO SCENE MR. BUTABI I'll be with you in a second, Mrs. Manicotti. Mr. Butabi goes over to the cash register. DOUG One second, Dad. MR. BUTABI It's good to see you're on a break. I mean, after all, you've been here almost twenty minutes now and it's hard work listening to your walking man and ringing up the one customer you've had. DOUG Dad, I'm sensing a note of sarcasm. MR. BUTABI This is a very nice sign. Except for one thing. (exploding) This is the only register! This is why I pay you -- to push a button and take the money. Is that too much? Is there some problem I don't know about? Did you injure your button pushing finger in a bad cell phone accident? DOUG Dad, why don't you go to Rexall's Drug Store. I think you need to purchase a bottle of chill pills. MR. BUTABI Just when I thought I had you doing the absolute minimum, you astound me with how much less you can do. DOUG For your information, Dad, we are working our asses off. STEVE Yeah, our week's filling up pretty quick. DOUG Dad, last night, Steve and I happen to have made a very important business contact. MR. BUTABI Oh, what are you dancing the Macarena with Donald Trump? STEVE Did you want me to go the drug store to get those pills? DOUG I think we should tell him now. (excited) Dad, you're gonna love this. We're working on this club idea which could include many silk plant opportunities and guess who we thought could be our supplier? MR. BUTABI Yes, I need you to give me opportunities. I feed you, I clothe you, I put a roof over your head and I pay for your little phones so you can call other idiots. I give up on you two. I am ashamed to call you my sons. DOUG There you go again, Dad. You always tell us to do something with our lives and when we finally do, what happens? You got to put us down. You never support us, you never encourage us, and you never care about what's important to us. Right, Steve? STEVE Do you need a prescription for those pills? MR. BUTABI It's my own fault. I spoil you. From now on, you are no longer allowed to go out to clubs at night. DOUG/STEVE What? MR. BUTABI Now enough wasting time. Go clean up the stock room. DOUG You know what, Poppason, not only will Steve and I not clean the stock room, but we are officially out of here! (to Steve) Come on. Doug starts walking out. STEVE But what about the stock room? DOUG We quit! (turns back to Dad) And we don't need you! We made big contacts last night! STEVE Yeah, plus we met these girls, Dad, and you wouldn't believe what happened. DOUG (to Dad) We're gonna make it without you. You'll see. Doug exits, Steve follows him. MR. BUTABI Yes, I'll see tonight when you get hungry and you come home to eat my food. And when you come crawling to me for more money! CUT TO: EXT. SILK PLANT STORE - CONTINUOUS ACTION Doug and Steve barrel out the front door and head straight for the van. Emily, in a sexy sun dress, carrying two big huge oversized lightbulbs where her breasts would be, steps in front of them. EMILY Hey, Steve! Do you want to go to the beach later? I've got my bathing suit on under this. DOUG (to Emily) Not now! Doug blows by Emily. Beat. He steps back INTO FRAME -- takes a second look at the odd bulb positions -- and exits again. The guys start getting into the van. EMILY I'm not talking to you, Doug. You're an ass. STEVE Emily, we're experiencing a major family crisis. I'm gonna have to take a rain check on this convo. DOUG Steve! Car! STEVE (as he gets into the car) Nice bulbs, Emily. Steve gets in. They PEEL OUT. EMILY (yells after them) So, you want to go out tonight? CUT TO: INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS ACTION The guys speed along on their way to Butabi. Doug is looking over a sheet of paper. DOUG Okay, these are the ideas we'll pitch him. The Jungle Paradise. STEVE Killer. DOUG The Inside Out Club. STEVE Money. DOUG The Civil War. STEVE That one needs work. DOUG Yeah. We'll hold off on that one. And let's not forget our ace in the hole -- The Naked Room. STEVE I think we should call it 'The Nudist Colony.' DOUG That sounds like a strip club. And this is a dance club. STEVE You're right. We'll go with 'The Naked Room.' CUT TO: EXT. ZADIR'S MANSION The silk van drives up. Steve and Doug get out and walk up to the locked gate. DOUG Zadir's gonna be excited to see us. This is it, bro... Doug presses the intercom. They wait. STEVE This is it. Doug presses the intercom buzzer again. No response. As they wait, Steve starts to sing to himself. STEVE (very softly) 'This is it, make your mistakes where you are. This is it...' We realize Steve is singing "This Is It" by Kenny Loggins. Doug slowly joins in as they pass the time. STEVE/DOUG '... We're going no further.' The both step singing as Doug hits the buzzer again. After a beat of waiting, Steve picks up the song where they left off... STEVE (soloing much louder) 'Here! The moment is now, no place for goodbyes...' INTERCOM Male voice starts singing the next lyric. INTERCOM (V.O.) 'And now I'm not so sure... doo doo... deep in my heart...' DOUG/STEVE/INTERCOM (V.O.) This is it! BACK TO SCENE They stop singing. INTERCOM (V.O.) You guys know 'Footloose'? DOUG (running to intercom) Actually, we're here to see Mr. Zadir. It's Steve and Doug Butabi. STEVE (softly to himself) '... pick up your Sunday shoes...' INTERCOM (V.O.) Mr. Zadir's not here. STEVE We were supposed to have a meeting with him about our ideas. Like there's one where the inside is outside and there's one about a jungle and... DOUG (shutting him up, covering the intercom) Steve! Never talk concepts with the intercom. (to intercom) Can we come inside and wait for him? INTERCOM (V.O.) No. DOUG Can we leave him a message? INTERCOM (V.O.) No. STEVE (to Doug) Let's just forget it. DOUG Stay strong, sailor. (to intercom) Do you know where we can find him? INTERCOM (V.O.) He's at the office in Wilshire. They jump in the car and drive off. INTERCOM INTERCOM (V.O.) (singing 'Footloose') ... 'Everybody cut, everybody cut... doo doo.' CUT TO: EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - LATER We see a large engraved marble "Zadir Industries" sign above the entrance. CUT TO: INT. ELEVATOR - LATER We see each elevator button is the name of Zadir's many businesses (Zadir Dry Cleaners, Zadir Beepers, Zadir Gaming & Entertainment, Zadir Real Estate, Executive Suite). DOUG AND STEVE listen to a MUZAK VERSION of "WHAT IS LOVE" by Haddaway. Their heads begin to bop very slowly. A hot-looking businesswoman gets on. They guys smile politely and wait patiently. We hear a DING. The businesswoman gets off. DOUG Hey, Steve, did you notice we forgot to ask her something? STEVE You mean, 'What's up?' DOUG Yeah. That's weird. STEVE Actually, it's not. We're both involved in serious relationships now, and our ladies know they can trust us. 'Trust' being the key element in any worthwhile commitment. DOUG Why go out for burgers when we've got steak at home? STEVE You're right. We should get lunch after this. INT. EXECUTIVE OFFICES - RECEPTION - CONTINOUS ACTION Elevator doors open. Doug and Steve exit onto a very modern white glass floor. RECEPTION AREA Doug and Steve walk over to a RECEPTIONIST. DOUG Doug and Steve Butabi for Mr. Zadir. RECEPTIONIST You're brothers? Doug and Steve give each other a look. They're tempted to tell their "brother joke." DOUG Ma'am, thanks for the setup, but we really can't get into that right now. Steve looks down the hall of offices to his left. STEVE'S POV At the end of the hall, Mr. Zadir and Dooey quickly walk by. BACK TO SCENE STEVE Doug, Mr. Zadir! The guys run down the hall. RECEPTIONIST Hey, you can't...! HALLWAY The guys run past office files, they pass a Fed Ex woman. Steve stops in his tracks. STEVE Look, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm in a serious relationship right now. Steve immediately jumps back into full stride. END OF HALLWAY The guys turn a corner. CONFERENCE ROOM DOOR As Dooey closes the door, we see Mr. Zadir at the head of a board meeting. Zadir does not see them. Dooey turns around. DOUG/STEVE Dooey! My very main man. Up top! The guys raise their hands to high five. CUT TO: INT. RECEPTION AREA - LATER Dooey forcefully drags the guys by their shirts, through the door and towards the elevators. STEVE (sincere) So, Dooey, how's everything goin'? DOUG Ragin' party last night. DOOEY Yeah, is that what my mother said to you... (indicating he heard them in the limo) ... or was it my father? Dooey drops the guys next to the elevator, presses the down button, begins to walk away. DOUG So, Zadir wants to have this meeting by the elevators? Dooey stops and slowly turns around. DOOEY Those Redi Whip cans were a big hit last night. I was out till four in the morning trying to find more. STEVE (impressed) From dusk 'til dawn -- you, sir, are a party animal. DOOEY (threatening) Don't go near Mr. Zadir. He was drunk last night and he doesn't even remember you. You think you're the first losers he's picked up that I've had to get rid of come Monday? DOUG Uh... Doo-man, I don't know if I'm reading my diss-meter correctly. Because are we being blown off. DOOEY Just stay away if you know what's good for you. Dooey walks away. The guys are in shock for a beat. Suddenly, Doug bolts full speed past Dooey and back into the office. Dooey follows. CUT TO: INT. CONFERENCE ROOM DOOR Doug runs up to the shut door and starts banging. No response. He notices, to the left, a glass window looking into the conference room. DOUG'S POV Zadir looks up -- we can't tell if he sees Doug or not. BACK TO SCENE Suddenly, two burly security guys pull Doug away. CUT TO: EXT. ZADIR'S OFFICE BUILDING - LATER The security guys physically push the guys out the building. STEVE (to security) Alright, so we'll see you guys later. The security guys, unfazed, walk back in. CUT TO: INT. VAN - LATER The guys get in and sit there, depressed. After a beat... STEVE What do you want to do? DOUG I can't talk to you right now. Give me a second. STEVE Maybe we should just go back to work. DOUG Yeah, and maybe we should just go to college and not put gel in our hair and starts wearing blue jeans. Let's do that, Steve! STEVE ... Sorry. Steve suddenly gets an idea and reaches into the glove compartment. He pulls out the piece of paper with Cambi's number on it -- we see he's put it in a small lucite frame. STEVE (trying to cheer Doug up) Cambi's number. Doug looks up at the number, starts to come out of his funk. STEVE We had a sweet time last night, didn't we? DOUG Sweet ass time. STEVE Diabetic. I could see doing that again, maybe even a couple a times a week, right? DOUG The ladies await, my friend. Cell! Steve slaps a cellular phone into Doug's hand. Steve looks down, shifts again, they pull out. CUT TO: INT. MONDRIAN SKYBAR - LATER Cambi and Vivica are standing by the bar, talking to AKIRO and TORONAGA, two middle-aged Japanese businessmen . VIVICA Yeah, I think it's great how you get to travel around the world. AKIRO (in Japanese) These hotties are sweet. TORONAGA (in Japanese) Sweet ass. We hear a PAGER GO OFF in Cambi's bag. She checks the beeper. VIVICA Who is it? CAMBI I don't know. It's just a bunch of pound signs. CUT TO: INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS ACTION Doug is repeatedly pressing the phone pad over and over. STEVE I'm not sure you're doing it right. DOUG (frustrated) Steve, you have to hit the pound sign or it doesn't go through. (sighs) Maybe their phones aren't working. STEVE Try putting in our number and then hitting pound. DOUG Excuse me, Mr. Bill Nye the Science Guy. Doug starts putting in their number... INTERCUT WITH: INT. MONDRIAN SKYBAR - CONTINOUS ACTION Cambi is talking on a cellular phone near the table, as Vivica entertains the Japanese businessmen. CAMBI Hello? DOUG Cambi. It's your boyfriend. I need to see you. CAMBI (not knowing who it is) Uh... well, I'm at the Skybar. DOUG Be right there... sweetheart. Steve gives Doug a thumbs up. CUT TO: EXT. VAN - CONTINOUS ACTION The van pulls up and the guys get out and head in. DOUG How's my hair? STEVE Good. DOUG Long-term relationship good? STEVE It's totally committed. You know, Doug, when things aren't going so well, it really makes you realize how much your woman means to you. CUT TO: INT. SKYBAR - DAY Steve and Doug enter and are hit with the unwelcome sight of their girls flirting with the businessmen. They strut over, ready to fight. DOUG These guys bothering you? CAMBI Hi, Doug. DOUG (to businessmen) You guys messing with our women. JAPANESE GUYS (in Japanese) What's up? DOUG You want to mix it up? Come on! Take me on. I'm insane. You don't know what you're dealing with. The businessmen look at them strangely. STEVE Vivica, I'm feeling a little vulnerable here. I thought we had an understanding. And I can't believe you're willing to just throw away everything we've been to each other? VIVICA Doug, Steve, this is Akiro and Toronaga... they're my cousins. Steve is relieved, Doug is mistrustful. STEVE (holding out hand to shake) Oh! Well, it's about time that we met the family. DOUG (pulling to Steve's hand back) Come on! What do you think, we're stupid? How can they be your cousins? VIVICA (like talking to a child) Well, his mother and my mother are sisters and that makes us cousins. DOUG ... Oh. Okay. CAMBI (to Akiro and Toronaga) Would you excuse us a second? DOUG Yeah, we just got to talk to them a second. STEVE Yeah, 'cause we slept with them last night so... ` CUT TO: EXT. MONDRIAN - SIDEWALK - DAY Cambi and Vivica, Steve, Doug assemble near the Silk van. CAMBI So, did you guys have as good a time last night as we did? STEVE I had a great time, Vivica. In fact, I think we've reached the point where I can comfortably call you 'Viv' and leave out the 'Ica.' DOUG So, you guys want to hang out or see a movie or do what we did last night... or eat or... just do what we did last night or hang out, eat and then do what we did last night or... you know, whatever... and do what we did last night. VIVICA Sounds good. Cambi gives Doug a kiss. He melts, then quickly tries to act cool. Vivica affectionately holds Steve's arm. STEVE Viv, I'm glad our relationship is strong enough to withstand the hard times -- like when were just in the bar -- I also think we're not just projecting onto one another but dealing with the reality of who we are. And most important, we know how to listen. VIVICA What? CAMBI Hey, you boys want to go somewhere quiet? The girls look at them seductively. DOUG No... DOUG/STEVE Yes! STEVE (in reference to joke) It's gold. I'm telling you. The guys high five and laugh -- they walk to the van. Doug opens the passenger door. DOUG Ladies, have your boarding passes ready. Cambi and Vivica just stand there. CAMBI What are you doing? STEVE Aisle or window seat? I'm sorry, ma'am, you're gonna have to check that bag... The movie on this flight will be uh... I don't know. I can't think of any more. VIVICA Where's your car? DOUG Our dad got mad and took it away. CAMBI Your dad? STEVE Yeah, we used to work for him, but we quit today so actually we're unemployed. VIVICA You're not in business with Mr. Zadir? DOUG Yes, we are. But, not now. We just met him last night. But, we will be. So, no, but, yes. STEVE Especially, if we ever get to see him again. The girls digest this for a beat. Cambi signals to Vivica and they both start walking back to the bar. The guys, confused, run up to them. STEVE Hey, we were just kidding about those boarding passes. You can get in. CAMBI Get away from us. DOUG What's going on? CAMBI You guys are a big waste of time. DOUG ... Como what? VIVICA Steve, you're a jerkoff. STEVE Well, I'm glad you shared that with me. That's a big step for the both of us. CAMBI Guys, consider what we did with you last night a favor. Now do us a favor and never talk to us again! DOUG What did we do wrong? We'll change. VIVICA No, you can't change. You and your brother are ugly pathetic losers. (to Cambi) That's the problem with nightclubs. Poor schmucks look just the same as rich schmucks. The girls walk back to the bar. The guys watch them go. CAMBI (as they walk) I can't believe we actually had sex with those asswads. I hope the nips are still at the bar. The girls disappear into the bar. The guys stand in shock, trying to absorb the ultimate rejection. CUT TO: EXT. FREEWAY - LATER Slow-moving congestion. We see the Silk van driving in the middle of it. CUT TO: INT. SILK VAN - CONTINOUS ACTION Doug and Steve sit in silence for a while. STEVE (trying to cheer him up) Hey, Doug, I think some of the plants are beginning to wilt... no, I'm just kidding. They're made out of silk. Doug doesn't respond. STEVE (singing quietly) ... 'This is it.' DOUG (cutting him off) Steve! This is the worst day of my life. So, if you don't mind, I really don't want to hear you talk right now. STEVE Well, it hasn't been the Super Bowl for me either... (mumbling) ... just trying to get you to talk. DOUG (blowing up) Talk?! You want me to talk, Steve?! I'll talk. Blah-blah-blah, talk, talk, talk! I'm talking! You feel better now?! Talk! STEVE I don't really know how to respond to that. DOUG (ripping into him) Oh, big surprise, Steve. You don't know how to do something. You don't know how to work the clubs, you don't know how to talk to women. The only thing you know how to do is ask me how to do everything! STEVE But, I -- DOUG That's why everthing's gone wrong... 'cause you're holding me back. DOUG (CONT'D) You're so needy all the time. You're like this thing tied to my leg, like this... dragging thing... STEVE A lead weight? DOUG Yes, a lead weight. (sincere) Thanks. (back to angry) And I am not letting you drag me down anymore. STEVE ... You know, can't blame me for what happened. Today was a series of random events gone awry. DOUG Maybe events wouldn't go awry if I had someone with a brain sitting next to me. STEVE Oh, yeah. Well, maybe I'd have better events if I was with someone with a higher level of looks and taller. Doug, in shock, starts to hyperventilate from anger. DOUG (breathing heavily) I'm tall enough to kick your ass. STEVE (cupping his ear) Did you say something? It's hard to hear things that low down to the ground. DOUG Well hear this. Consider me your ex-brother. STEVE I don't care. DOUG You care about this? Doug fakes throwing a punch -- Steve flinches. Steve fake punches -- Doug flinches. DOUG You want the real thing?! STEVE No. DOUG Then stop talking to me. STEVE My pleasure. They continue along in silence, both looking miserable. CUT TO: EXT. BUTABI HOUSE - NEXT MORNING We see the Silk van parked in front of the house. CUT TO: INT. DOUG AND STEVE'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION Steve lies on his bed looking out the window. Doug's bed is empty. STEVE'S POV We see Doug carrying all his clothes into the Butabi guest cottage. STEVE is sad. Gets up, walks to Doug's desk and throws all the Post-its and business supplies in the trash. CUT TO: INT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE - CONTINOUS ACTION A simple studio. Doug dumps his belongings on the bed -- bottles of hair gel, colognes, aftershaves, etc. He picks up Cambi's framed number, yanks it out of the frame and rips it to shreds. Then he sits back on the bed, picks up remote and turns the TELEVISION ON. TELEVISION SCREEN Oddly enough, it's a rerun of "21 Jump Street" featuring Richard Greico. BACK TO SCENE DOUG Lies! All lies! Doug shuts it OFF. CUT TO: INT. SILK PLANT STORE - DAY A depressed Steve is emotionally selling a plant to a female customer. STEVE (sadly) That's right, ma'am. It's silk. It'll always be in bloom. It'll never change. It'll never die. It'll never yell at you and call you a 'loser.' It'll always be in your room where you left it, not suddenly move out into the guest house. The customer is crying. Mr. Butabi walks over, pulls Steve aside. MR. BUTABI What are you doing? All the customers are depressed. STEVE (looking over at empty register) I'm just used to seeing Doug at the register. I miss him. MR. BUTABI But he's only in the guest house. It's ten feet away. It's like a mansion in there. STEVE There's no cable. MR. BUTABI There is Cinemax. STEVE (crying) But, there's no H.B.O. Steve walks off, upset. CUT TO: INT. CRUNCH GYM - DAY Emily, in skin-tight shiny body suit, is exercising on the Peck Deck portion of a Nautilus machine -- filled with people. She finishes her last repetitions. EMILY Nine... ten. She stops. Then looks in a little workout book entitled Diet to Get Steve. EMILY Okay. One more set. Add ten pounds. She bends down and pulls the metal pin out of the weights. The person next to her, using the lat bar, goes flying up. EMILY Whoops. Sorry. Wrong pin. EMILY'S POV Steve is doing sit-ups on a slant board. Craig spots him. CRAIG AND STEVE Steve is straining, in mid-crunch. Craig is eating a Power Bar. CRAIG Not the neck -- the stomach. Not the thighs -- the stomach. Not the shoulders - the... Oh my God! STEVE What? CRAIG Ab citing! Six pack in full effect. STEVE Where! Steve rushes to mirror, holds up his shirt. Craig points. CRAIG There she cuts. Emily enters. EMILY Hi, Steve. Is that an ab? CRAIG (noticing Emily's body) Toned and tight, Emily. Want to power up? He offers her a bite of his bar. She ignores him. Craig stands there chewing a Power Bar and drinking an "Ultra Fuel" while they talk. EMILY I heard about your brother. STEVE (avoiding eye contact) What'd you hear about him? EMILY Your father said you and him quit, then you had a fight, then you came crawling back to work like he said you would and how your brother didn't. STEVE So? EMILY So, when are we going out? CRAIG I know a place with good spinach wraps? STEVE Look, Emily, I know you've had your heart set on this a long time, but, the truth is we're from two different worlds. I mean, I'm a rebel... and you're kind of the sweet girl next door type. EMILY Steve, I work next door. It's not a type, it's a location. STEVE You know what I mean. I don't know if you can handle a guy like me. I'm used to more, like experienced women. EMILY Duh. You're forgetting -- I got to college. Translation -- drunken orgies with occasional Cliff Notes. CRAIG I know Cliff. Weak delts. EMILY And I'm not one of those date rape crybabies. STEVE Look, it sounds good, but I'm getting over a very serious relationship right now. It's gonna take some time to nurse my emotional wounds. And that could take, like, until Saturday. EMILY Perfect, your dad bought us two tickets to David Copperfield, this Saturday. STEVE I'll let you know how I'm feeling. EMILY It'll be fun to see things appear, and then disappear. Emily grabs his face and shoves her tongue down his throat for a beat and pulls back. EMILY See ya. CRAIG (watching Emily leave) Tight glutes. (sincere) Steve, as a trainer. I'm pretty perceptive about picking up body language... I think she likes you. CUT TO: EXT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE - NIGHT (ONE WEEK LATER) The cottage is dark. SUBTITLE: ONE WEEK LATER Doug is unshaven, unkempt. Disinterestedly flipping channels. He throws the remote away. DOUG ... Fine! I won't watch Larry Sanders! Gets up and exits. We hear the VAN PEEL OUT. Seperation MONTAGE BEGINS: CUT TO: MONTAGE A) INT. DAVID COPPERFIELD SHOW - NIGHT David Copperfield is on stage doing a pseudo-sexy trick. In the audience, Steve tries to subtly work his arm behind Emily. She notices, grabs his hand, and plants it on her breast. CUT TO: B) INT. DISCO - NIGHT Doug is drunk, trying to dance with a girl. She pushes him away into another girl who shoves him into a biker guy -- who tries to dance with him. CUT TO: C) EXT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE -NIGHT The dogs are dragging a dead deer across the driveway. Suddenly, the Silk van pulls in too fast, runs over some plants and smashes over a chaise lounge chair. The van stops and Doug, literally, falls out of the van and onto the ground. He lies there. CUT TO: D) INT. SILK STORE DAY Mr. Butabi is helping Steve put on store manager jacket. Mr. Anderson, Emily, congratulate him. CUT TO: E) INT. GUEST COTTAGE - DAY A very dissapointed Doug is sucking on a Redi Whip can. He looks out the window. F) DOUG'S POV The pool: He can see Emily and Steve going at it on air mattress. G) BACK TO SCENE Doug sprays the window with whipped cream to block the view. END OF MONTAGE CUT TO: INT. DOUG AND STEVE'S ROOM - NIGHT Steve and Emily are in bed -- pre-sex. Steve is in a pajama top. Emily is in a black nightie and flipping through a USC School of Business course guide. Steve kisses her neck, Emily keeps reading. Steve reaches over and puts his hand on her breast. Emily keeps reading. He pulls his hand back. EMILY Here's one -- 'Business Computer Systems.' STEVE (disinterested) I'm not real good with machines. That was Doug's thing. I'm more of a people person. EMILY Steve, a businessman has to have a knowledge of computers. Ooo! -- 'Venture Management and Analysis.' you have to take that. STEVE You know, my dad's giving me the store anyway. I don't really have to go back to school. EMILY One store? Yah... and maybe we'll just have like one house and one car. Steve, we're gonna have more than one store. And you have to be prepared. STEVE I don't really want to go back to school. I'll have to read. STEVE (CONT'D) And homework and teachers always asking you if you'd like to share that with the rest of the class. EMILY Don't upset me. Unless you want to make me less horny. STEVE No, that wouldn't be good. EMILY (kissing him) Look, first, we combine the stores, plants and lamps, then we can add furniture, you know recliners... Emily climbs on top of him, and rubs herself against him. EMILY ... sofas and tables and... and... She moans. STEVE ... chairs? EMILY Oh, yes! Chairs and wastepaper baskets and... and... STEVE Ah!... Ottomans! Emily rips Steve's pajama top off, as she rides him. EMILY (progressively getting closer to orgasm) And then we'll open a second store in Orange County with dinette sets and entertainment centers, and a third in San Francisco and then we'll be bigger than Ikea, oh my God... Home Depot! I, I, Ikeaaa! Emily orgasms and slides off Steve. STEVE Emily, I'm sort of feeling, you know, like we're moving too fast. You're talking like we're married. EMILY (taking it as a proposal) Oh my God! Steve! You've made me so happy! She hugs him. STEVE (upset) What? No, no. I meant... Emily quickly ducks OUT OF FRAME to perform oral sex on STEVE -- who quickly stops being upset. STEVE (relaxes) ... Oookay. CUT TO: INT. PALACE DANCE CLUB -NIGHT Doug and Craig sit at a table with drinks. Craig, in suit and "Pump It" gym headband, bops in place. Doug doesn't. CRAIG Doug, If I'm not mistaken, this place has got it going on. I owe you big time for inviting me. Craig hands Doug a health bar. DOUG'S POV The candy bar wrapper reads "Big Time -- Protein Supplement for serious Bodybuilders." BACK TO SCENE CRAIG Wooooo! Who wants to dance all night long! And I mean aaall night! Wooo! (sits) Doug, I am having a hell of a time! DOUG Whatever, Craig. CRAIG Hey, do you think I should wear this outfit to your brother's wedding? DOUG What? CRAIG Your brother's wedding? What are you gonna wear? DOUG (dropping head to table) Oh, God. CRAIG You got to hand it to Steve. That Emily's the perfect woman. Strong legs, low body fat, and a positive mental attitude. A lady like that can really keep you on track. Is it okay to wear black at an afternoon affair? DOUG Shut up, you idiot. CRAIG Doug, I know you and your brother are having some problems, but that is no reason to refer to my intellectual capacity in a diminutive manner. DOUG I'm sorry, Craig, but you totally Wolf Blitzerd me with the matrimony update. Do you mind if we just don't talk about my brother? CRAIG Ten-Four. Boundary set. DOUG (perking himself back up) Look, did we come here for some Starbucks' latte chitchat or did we come here to hit on hotties? CRAIG Hotties. DOUG Let's do it. They move out. BAR The guys walk over to the back of a blonde woman. DOUG Hey, sweetness, what's up? The woman turns around -- it's ELLEN DEGENERES. DOUG Hey, fine thing, you got it going on. ELLEN DEGENERES Thank you. I was worried. DOUG So, you want to shake it? ELLEN DEGENERES No, I think I'll just let it sit. DOUG You sure? ELLEN DEGENERES Now that I've met you, I'm more sure than I've ever been. Ellen walks away. CRAIG That was a... (makes alien hand signal and sounds) ... close encounter. DOUG She'll be back. Just playing hard to get. CRAIG I am having a hell of a time! Wooo! CUT TO: INT. BUTABI DINING ROOM - NIGHT Filled with the entire Butabi and Anderson family, including old folks. This is the pre-wedding rehearsal dinner. MRS. BUTABI And the hors d'oeuvers are hummus dip and babaganoush... MABEL Who's going to eat that? You should have pigs in the blanket and chicken fingers. Steve is sticking a spoon on his nose. Mr. Butabi takes it and taps his glass, standing up. MR. BUTABI Okay. A toast to Steve and Emily, who after tommorow will be Mr. and Mrs. Steve Butabi. EMILY Emily Anderson-Butabi. MR. BUTABI Really. Okay. Well... to whoever they turn out to be. FRED (standing up) I would also like to thank everyone for flying in to join us. My brother and his wife from Chicago. My parents who came in all the way from Maine despite Mom's sciatica. And the Butabis who came all the way in from Yee- men. MR. BUTABI (correcting him) Yemen. FRED Wherever the hell that is. I'm just kidding. And that's not the only union I'm excited about. From what I understand, we got a new lamp/plant store. MR. BUTABI That's plant/lamp store. Ha ha... that's a joke. But, seriously, I think it sounds better. EMILY Steve, don't you want to make a toast? STEVE No, that's alright. EMILY (pushing him up) All the men are doing it? STEVE (standing) So, okay, uh... I just want to say... what's up... Grandpa, Grandma, and those other two old people. Steve sits. Emily quickly stands. EMILY I think what Steve means, is that, we're just thrilled with the way this family is coming together. And I'd like to share with you some of our business plans for after the merger. (to Grandma) Can you pass these out? Emily hands out business plan folders. MR. BUTABI I will get more wine. Mr. Butabi is looking through a wine rack. Steve enters. STEVE Hey, Dad, do you think maybe we could cancel this whole thing? MR. BUTABI Yes, sure... (turns to Doug) ... Nooo! STEVE Dad, that's so funny. But I really don't want to get married. MR. BUTABI You are serious? All these people are here and you are serious? STEVE Dad, it's like, Emily had turned into this whole different person. I mean, at first, she was this girl that I really liked to have sex with. Then she turned into this other girl who I really don't want to marry -- although I don't mind having sex with her. MR. BUTABI Look, the catering is paid for. The tents are all set up. Your grandparents flew half way around the world. Besides, all men go through the same thing the night before their wedding. STEVE You mean, all guys feel sort of nervous and anxious, and kind of hope a train hits her and she eats a can of botulism or maybe she could hang out with a deer, and a hunter accidently shoots her or you know, when she's sleeping and she makes that nose whistle sound and you shake her to make it quiet but what you'd really like to do is take her stupid red toothbrush and ram it up her nostril into her skull. Mr. Butabi stares at him for a beat. MR. BUTABI Steve, these feelings are perfectly normal. CUT TO: INT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE - MIDDLE OF NIGHT Doug looking out the window. DOUG'S POV Wedding chairs. Tents. Flowers. Suddenly, we hear a KNOCK at the door. BACK TO SCENE Doug ducks away. CUT TO: EXT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE - MIDDLE OF NIGHT Steve, in his pajamas, knocks at the door. STEVE Doug? Doug? You there? Steve pulls put his cell phone, dials. CUT TO: INT. GUEST COTTAGE -NIGHT Doug's CELL RINGS, he picks up and makes believe he's a machine. DOUG You've reached Doug Butabi. I'm not home right now -- because I'm... CUT TO: EXT. COTTAGE Steve listening. DOUG (V.O.) ... out living it up, unlike my pussywhipped brother who's busy throwing his life away and will spend the rest of his years selling silk plants for Emillyyy... (making beeping sound) ... Beeeep. STEVE (assuming it's real) Doug, sorry I missed you. I guess you heard I'm gettng married tommorow. I was just wondering if you wanted to be my best man. See ya. Steve exits. Doug peels through the window at him. CUT TO: EXT BUTABI BACK YARD - DAY Beautiful wedding layout. Guests mill about. Craig is lifting an ice sculpture off it's base. Steve is next to him. STEVE Craig, I know you can lift it. Now can you just listen to me? CRAIG (putting down sculpture) I got it. I walk down the aisle. I stand next to you. And I settle any inter-wedding party skirmishes. STEVE No, you're the best man. Not the wedding bouncer. You just gotta back me up. CRAIG Oh, you mean like spotting you? STEVE Exactly. CRAIG Now, I get it. If things get too heavy, I step in. Like a relationship spotter. (overwhelmed) Thank you, man. I won't let you down. FATHER WILLIAMS, a grey-haired priest, Phil Donahue-type, walks over. FATHER WILLIAMS Okay, boys, we're about ready to start. You look very nice, Steven. STEVE Thank you, Father. I love what you're wearing also. He's in regular black priest garb. He exits, confused. BACK OF WEDDING AISLE Steve walks up to Mr. Butabi, who is waiting with the procession. WEDDING MARCH BEGINS. STEVE You know, Dad, I've been thinking. I didn't really have time to have a bachelor party and that's a pretty important part of the marriage experience. So, we may want to consider delaying the wedding a couple of hours so we can go to a strip club or something. MR. BUTABI Sh! We're starting. WEDDING AISLE Richard Grieco, in tux, walks down the aisle with a frumpy BRIDESMAID. BRIDESMAID Richard Grieco? How do you know Steve? RICHARD GRIECO Look, I just don't want to be sued. Craig, the best man, begins walking down with the maid of honor. CRAIG (to maid of honor) Alright... it's a long walk... pace yourself. Craig takes pulse, looks at his watch. Grandma and Grandma Butabi walk down the aisle. As they approach Craig... CRAIG (excited) Grandma, you look unbelievable! Woo! MR. BUTABI AND STEVE AND BARBARA Walk down the aisle. Steve is wearing a CD walkman -- Mr. Butabi notices and yanks it off. They pass a pretty girl. Steve veers off course. STEVE (to girl) What's up? You from out of town? Mr. Butabi pulls Steve back on course. STEVE (turns back to girl) See you at the reception. EMILY and her parents walk down the aisle... CRAIG Steve! Getting married! Go for it! You are the man! EMILY (yelling up to Craig) Shut up, Craig! I'm walking down the aisle, you dick! Emily goes back to walking gracefully. MARCH ENDS. FATHER WILLIAMS Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, to join together... STEVE Father? Did we already start? FATHER WILLIAMS Yes. STEVE Oh. Sorry I thought there was going to be a buzzer or whistle or something. FATHER WILLIAMS ... To join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony. If any man can show any just cause why these two should not be lawfully joined together, speak now or forever hold his peace. Nobody speaks. Beat. CRAIG (O.S.) I am having a hell of a time! FATHER WILLIAMS Very good. Now I understand the bride and groom have each prepared something. EMILY (trying to rhyme) Dear Steve, today I wear this wedding gown, and on my face there is no frown. I know our lives together will be great, just like when we saw David Copperfield on our first date. If you set something free and it comes back, you should love it forever, and like one of your silk plants, I'll try to stay beautiful, that is my endeavor. Love, forever, Emily. Steve steps forward, takes out a piece of paper, reads. STEVE Emily, I used to see you outside my father's store. And then we went out on some dates and you let me have sex with you. Steve steps back. Priest looks to see if Steve's done. STEVE I'm done. FATHER Very nice. Steven, do you promise to love Emily, comfort her, honor her, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live? STEVE My father already paid the caterer. FATHER WILLIAMS Emily, do you promise to comfort Steve, and honor him in sickness and health, as long as you both shall live? EMILY I do. Mr. Butabi hands Steve the ring. FATHER WILLIAMS Now, Steven, repeat after me... STEVE 'After me'... just kidding. I'm nervous. FATHER WILLIAMS Now repeat after me, with this ring I thee wed... STEVE With this ring, I thee wed. Steve puts the ring on her finger. FATHER WILLIAMS Now, Emily, repeat after me. With this ring, I thee wed. EMILY With This ring -- Suddenly, the ceremony is interrupted by the sound of the GARAGE DOOR OPENING -- revealing... DOUG holding a huge boom box over his head, confidently standing in place. Emily rolls her eyes. Mr. Butabi's angry. STEVE (in shock) Doug. Doug hits the play button. "WHAT IS LOVE?" by Haddaway BLASTS. MR. BUTABI (to organ player) Let's just keep it going. FATHER WILLIAMS Mr. Butabi, I can't -- MR. BUTABI Just ignore him. FATHER WILLIAMS (yelling) Say 'With this ring I thee...' EMILY With this ring -- Doug TURNS UP the VOLUME, drowning out Emily. Steve starts bopping his head. Doug bops his head back. STEVE Sorry, Dad. (turns back) Emily, I'm sorry. I'm not ready yet. I liked your poem. Steve starts walking towards Doug. Mr. Butabi, furious follows him and reaches to stop him. Suddenly, a hand pulls him on his back. We REVEAL it is... CRAIG CRAIG I'm sorry, Mr. Butabi, but as best man, my primary duty is to allow the groom to beat a hasty retreat should the occasion take a sudden ugly turn. Butabi tries to get around. Craig jumps in the way. CRAIG Don't test me. Steve runs up to Doug. STEVE Hey. DOUG Hello. They run out of the back yard. RICHARD GRIECO Puts his arm around Mr. Butabi. RICHARD GRIECO Mr. Butabi, as an actor, I'm a keen observer of human nature. And, I can tell that neither of your sons are anywhere near the maturity level necessary for this sort of commitment. ALTAR Emily is furious. Craig steps in the groom's spot. CRAIG Go ahead, Father. EMILY What are you doing? CRAIG Emily, with all due respect to Steve, his discipline is lacking as is his appreciation for you. I, on the other hand, can bench press 305 lbs. I squat a clean 525, and my body fat percentage is less than two percent. Not only am I a professional trainer, but I someday hope to market my own protein bars and produce an Iron Buns video. Emily considers this a moment, then puts her arm through his. EMILY ... Okay... We should look into infomercials. CUT TO: INT. HOLLYWOOD RESERVOIR - DAY Steve and Doug are on the bridge tossing rocks. DOUG ... and I also took Craig out clubbing. STEVE Mm-hm. DOUG That was alright. Plus, I rented a lot of videos and I didn't do much else. STEVE Uh-huh. DOUG Look, I, uh, I don't know... I just... Steve? Steve is still looking at the water. DOUG Look, I'm sorry. I said a lot of bad things before and... lately... I don't know. DOUG (CONT'D) I've been thinking, you know... You're my brother... we're brothers and when we're together, you know... You just... Jerry MacGuire theme "SECRET GARDEN" by Springsteen begins. DOUG (emotional) You don't drag me down, Steve... I drag me down, me! And you... you complete me! Steve walks up to Doug. STEVE Shut up. Just shut up! You had me at hello. They hug and hold one another as the MUSIC SWELLS... CUT TO: EXT. BUTABI BACK YARD - LATER The guests are gone. In the empty tent, Richard Grieco sits alone drinking wine with Mr. Butabi. RICHARD GRIECO And it seems to me that you're a little bit harder on Doug than you are on Steve. Isn't that true? MR. BUTABI You are right. It's just that Doug is so rebellious, so hard to control. RICHARD GRIECO Rebellious? Scrappy? Dreamer, maybe? What other young man does that remind you of? Mr. Butabi has an epiphany. MR. BUTABI ... Myself. Richard nods, knowingly. RICHARD GRIECO So who are you really fighting with? MR. BUTABI Oh, Richard Grieco, you see right through me. EXT. SUNSET - NIGHT SUPERIMPOSE: ONE DAY LATER We PAN UP the front of the red BMW to reveal Doug and Steve in their usual positions. INT. BMW Doug looks at his hair in the passenger sideview mirror. Then he looks in the vanity mirror. DOUG I missed this car. I look good in it. STEVE Of course you do, bro. DOUG You know it... (gets an idea) Oh... And... you know, you look good also. STEVE (appreciating Doug's gesture) Thanks, bro. I'm glad you moved back in the room. DOUG Dad was kind of a sport about the wedding once Richard Grieco talked to him. STEVE Yeah, and isn't it a kick in the head how Emily hooked up with Craig. DOUG It's funny. The infomercial really makes you want to buy those Power Bars. CUT TO: INT. CHEAP FAKE TALK SHOW SET - DAY Infomercial. Craig and Emily in leotards, pitching their "Un-fat" bars. A chunky silhouette is superimposed -- getting thinner and thinner. STEVE (V.O.) That silhouette chick is hot. CUT TO: INT. CAR - NIGHT DOUG Hey, look... DOUG'S POV Billboard ad of Gilbert Gottfried and Bob Saget in a TNT special movie -- "Orville & Wilbur -- Brothers in Flight." DOUG (O.S.) We got to remember to tape them. CUT TO: EXT. OPEN FIELD - DAY An antique airplane is taking off. Gilbert Gottfried in turn of the century garb, watches the plane. GILBERT GOTTFRIED Yes! Yes, we're in flight! Yes! No! No, that's down. We don't want from down. We want up! Yes! Up is good! CUT TO: INT. CAR -NIGHT STEVE Hey, I wonder whatever happened to Vivica's cousins? CUT TO: EXT. JAPANESE BRIDGE - DAY Akiro and Toronaga are on the bridge -- same positions that Doug and Steve were in. A japanese version of Bruce Springsteen's "SECRET GARDEN" is playing. AKIRO Kiyamo tomaga. SUPERIMPOSE: "YOU COMPLETE ME" TORONAGA Kayama, Tokayama! Ko ma sayagan a suma. SUPERIMPOSE: "SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP. YOU HAD ME AT HELLO" They embrace. MUSIC SWELLS. CUT TO: INT. CAR - NIGHT DOUG Hey, get in the other lane, there's an accident. CUT TO: STREET Dooey is lying under a totaled limo, surrounded by cans of Reddi-whip. However, the boys don't notice. INT. CAR - NIGHT STEVE Wow, I can't believe all that stuff got wrapped up in one day. DOUG (notices something outside) Hey, check it out... STEVE AND DOUG'S POV - NEW CLUB Outside, people sit on couches and listen to music, even though they are waiting in line to get in. STEVE (O.S.) Wait a second, that was your idea. DOUG (O.S.) It was killer. Bound to happen. EXT. CLUB They park, get out. EXT. CLUB ENTRANCE - NIGHT Guys walk up. A huge BOUNCER steps in front of them. BOUNCER Whoa! No one gets in unless they talk to the list. DOUG Right. Well we're on the list. STEVE Steve and Doug Butabi. The Bouncer checks the list. BOUNCER Butabi... Great. Step right in. DOUG I'm sorry? BOUNCER Go right in. STEVE (confused) ... Okaaay. DOUG I guess we should go in then. STEVE Yeah. The guys suspiciously enter. CUT TO: INT. CLUB - NIGHT The walls look like building facades, we see cars parked inside, the main dance floor covers a lit body of water with fish underneath. The guys look astounded. MR. ZADIR Boys! Mr. Zadir approaches them. STEVE/DOUG Mr. Zadir! MR. ZADIR How do you lke our place? DOUG Our place? MR. ZADIR Yes, I cut you in. It was your idea. STEVE Sweet. DOUG Sweet ass sweet. They high five. MR. ZADIR It's not all sweet asses. Running a club is a lot of hard work. Bouncer comes over. BOUNCER Mr. Zadir, we've got a situation at the door. DOUG We'll take care of it, Mr. Zadir. STEVE We're on the job. EXT. CLUB ENTRANCE - NIGHT Cambi and Vivica are arguing outside with another bouncer. Doug and Steve appear. CAMBI Call the manager then! We're always on the list! DOUG Excuse me, I'm the owner. Is there a problem here? CAMBI Hi, uh... DOUG Doug. STEVE Steve, or jerkoff as you like to put it. VIVICA Look, you're not gonna hold that against is. Just let us in. DOUG (turns to bouncer) Good job. Don't let these or any other predatory lowlife strumpets in the club. STEVE Good call. DOUG Only 'cause it's true. On line, we see the Switchboard Operator from the credit center. SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR That voice sounds so familiar... DOUG He pricks up his ears. DOUG Hey, is that...? The Switchboard operator walks up to Doug. DOUG Are you...? SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR Doug? They mentally put the voice with the face and are immediately attracted. SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR I can't believe it. DOUG You're even more beautiful than you sound. SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR You stopped calling? DOUG Not because I didn't want to... (nervous) Am I what you expected? SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR I totally approve. They're lost in each other's eyes. STEVE (being helpful) Hey, Doug. Do you have the time? DOUG (not getting it) Eleven thirty. STEVE No, do you have the... DOUG (cutting him off) Steve, I think it's working out, but thanks for your help... (to Operator) Come on into my club. SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR Well, I've got my friend. The female Police Officer who earlier pulled them over is her friend. Steve steps over. STEVE Hottie police officer? POLICE OFFICER Violater of posted speed limits? STEVE I was really looking forward to meeting you at the municipal court on or before June sixth. They walk in the club. INT. CLUB - NIGHT "WHAT IS LOVE" by Haddaway comes over the outdoor speakers. POLICE OFFICER Oh, I love this song. SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR Me, too. STEVE In all honesty, I'm a little sick of it. The girls laugh. DOUG Good one. Where do you come up with this stuff? STEVE I don't know. Every once in a while I strike pay dirt. Let's shake it. The MUSIC rises as they all dance and we... FADE TO BLACK. As CREDITS ROLL... FADE IN: EXT. CLUB - NIGHT Doug and Steve stand at the entrance, wearing headsets. A CLUB GOER walks up. Doug steps in front of him. DOUG Whoa, whoa. Name please? CLUB GOER Neil Platt. DOUG Let me check the list. They both check their lists. DOUG I don't see it. STEVE So, step right in. The confused guy goes in. Girl steps up. STEVE Name please. GIRL Lisa Horowitz. STEVE (checks list) Nope. You can go in. EMILIO ESTEVEZ approaches. EMILIO ESTEVEZ Estevez. The guys look up. STEVE Oh my God! DOUG/STEVE Emillliooooo! FADE OUT. THE END