Good day, eh? We once saw a script someone had put together for Monty Python's 'The Holy Grail,' so we thought we'd try the same thing for one of our favorites, 'Strange Brew.' All this material is still copyrighted by whoever copyrighted the movie. We simply provide it for your enjoyment. Forgive the occasional omission of an 'eh?' or any superfluous 'eh?'s that are lurking about. Enjoy! Paul Johnson, Gregory Fisk, Nathan Fisk ----------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE ONE - A t.v. stage] [MGM lion belches] Bob Hey, growl will you? Doug Make some noise, you knob! Bob Yeah, we gotta start the movie, eh? He's not growling. Doug Gee, I think he's bummed out. Bob Stick a pin in his bum, eh? Doug No way. Bob [to lion] What are you on, Valium? Doug Maybe I ought crank his tail, eh, that ought to start him up. [cranks lion's tail] Ok, start up, come on, eh! Bob Maybe we ought to call Marlin Perkins, eh? Get Wild Kingdom here, eh? Oh geez, he's getting mad. [Bob and Doug notice that the camera is on] Doug Oh geez, we gotta get going! [Both run to stage set and sit down] Bob Do the theme, eh? Doug [gives Great White North theme] Bob Good day, eh. Oh, hey, do our new movie theme, eh? Doug [gives Great White North fanfare] Bob Beauty, eh? Good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug. Doug How's it going, eh? Bob Welcome to our movie, eh? Ok, our topic is movies. First off, the difference between movies and tv. Ok, go to tv! [scene shifts to television set with Bob and Doug] Bob This is the difference between tv and movies, eh? Doug So? Bob Ok, go back to movies! [lion roars] Bob Geez, now that hoser's growling! Doug Yeah. Bob Take off, will you? We're doing our movie! Doug Yeah, don't wreck our show, you hoser! Bob Ok, another topic. Zoom out, eh? Doug Yeah. Bob Let's show them how big the screen is, eh? Zoom out! Doug Look how HUGE it is, eh? Bob Ok, like normally we just have Great White North, eh? But look, we got, what's that over there? Doug Ok, like England, and Ireland, and France, eh? Bob He's a genius, eh? He knows the atlas. Ok, and over here we have... Doug Uh, Russia and Hawaii. Bob Ok, so all hosers in Russia and Hawaii and England, welcome to our movie, eh? Doug How's it going...COMRADES? Bob Ok, we made, uh, zoom back in, eh? [camera zooms back in] Ok, we made a movie, eh? So we're going to show that now. Doug Yeah. Oh, wait a minute. First you've got to interview me the director. Bob I've got to put up the screen, too, eh. Doug Don't forget. Ok, zoom in on me, the director. Come on! [Camera zooms in on Doug] Bob I directed, too, eh? Doug Yeah, well, I've got to give them my theory on movies, eh? Ok, here's my theory on movies, eh? You want to know how to wreck a movie, eh? Take a jar of moths into the theater, eh? Bob: [Fumbles with movie screen, it collapses] Sorry. Doug And then, like, release them at a point in the movie when you know what's going to happen, and all the moths will fly up to the projection booth window and cloud it up and you can demand your money back! Beauty idea, eh? Bob Ok. Zoom out, eh? [Camera zooms out] Ok, this movie was shot in 3-B, three beers, and it looks good, eh? Doug Hoserama. Call it hoserama, eh? Bob Ok, so we made a movie. So sit back and get some corn, and let's have..uh..it's movie time. Doug Ok, turn it on. Bob Ok. [turn on projector] ---------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE TWO - Their movie] [Sign says 2051 A.D. Ten years after World War 4.] Bob Give 'em enough time to... Doug [reads sign] What? Bob No, more. Doug They saw it already! [Both fight over sign, the camera cuts to Bob on beach] Bob I was the only one left on the planet after the holocaust, eh? Doug [off camera to Bob] Hey hoser, go! Bob The earth had been, like, devastated by nuclear war. Like, Russia blew up the US and the US blew up Russia. [picks up statue from ground] Statue of Liberty. Doug [off camera] Psst! Act, act! Bob Lucky for me I'd been off-planet on vacation at the time of the war. There wasn't much to do. All the bowling alleys had been wrecked, so I spent most of my time looking for beer. One day I was out looking for a nice place to build a city for my children when I spotted a mutant in the forbidden zone. I landed my vehicle to pursue and destroy this genetic freak before he could warn other mutants in the underground caves. I was kind of like a one man force, eh, like Charlton Heston in Omega Men, did you see that? It was a beauty. [Doug leaps out and confronts Bob] Fleshy-headed mutant, and you friendly? Doug No way, eh? Radiation has made me an enemy of civilization! Bob Alpha base, this is Bob McKenzie. I've spotted a fleshy-headed mutant in sector 16B. [shoots Doug with ping-pong ball gun] Doug Ow! Take off, you hoser! [film breaks] Bob Geez, what happened, eh? Film broke! Oh geez, we've got to fix it, eh? Sorry! Doug Sorry! Bob [looks into projector light] I can't see, eh! Turn the lights on! Doug [points to Bob] It was his fault, he wrecked it! Bob It was not, eh! Geez, we had a lot of popcorn, too. Ok, you cover, I'll fix the film, eh? Doug Oh, I'm getting whiplash from my burps, eh? [Bob tinkers with projector, and knocks the reel off] Doug Aw, nice going, you knob! Patron [off camera] Hey! What kind of movie is this? Doug Ok, uh, here's how to get, zoom in on me, eh? Zoom in on this! [camera zooms to a beer bottle with a mouse in it] Ok, here's how to get free beer, eh? Get a baby mouse and, like, put it in a bottle, and when it's so small it will fit in, like, this hole, eh? [Camera cuts to movie theater] Patron Hey! They did this on their album! Rip off! Patron 2 Will you shut up! Patron AAAhhh, you shut up! Doug [trying to insert mouse]: Like maybe with some spit... Bob Ok, we not going to be able to fix the film, eh, so here's what happened in the film. After I chased the van, eh... Doug Don't tell them the film, eh, you're supposed to show it. Bob But we can't show it because it's wrecked, eh? Doug Just show it like this, eh? [hold up film] Zoom in on this, eh? [camera zooms in] Bob Geez, that's a good idea, eh? Patron That's it, we're leaving, kids. Come on! Bob [in theater] How come everyone's going, eh? Doug I don't know. It get's better. Patron 3 What a waste of money! Where's the manager? Get me the manager! Old lady I hope you're proud of yourselves... Doug Take off, eh? Bob Geez, how come everyone's so ticked, eh? Doug I don't know, but we might as well really wreck this movie now. Bob Did you bring the moths? Doug Yeah. Here we go, eh? [releases the moths] [patrons stampede out of theater, sirens sound outside] ----------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE THREE - Outside theater] Patron [to teller] Well then how about a couple of passes to a REAL movie? Can you believe this? [Bob and Doug emerge from hiding] Bob Let's get out of here, eh? Doug No, not that way, well get killed. [They run out side door and run into man with crying children] Man They've been saving their allowance for weeks to see this movie. What am I supposed to tell them? Just what the heck am I supposed to tell them!? Bob We're real sorry. Here's some money back, it's only fifteen bucks, here take it. Doug Take off, that's dad's beer money! Man [off camera] Hey look! They're giving refunds in the alley! Get them! [Bob and Doug run off] Doug Watch out, cops, eh? Bob What? Doug Cops! [Cop runs into Bob, accidently kneeing him in groin] Bob Ooo! Good thing I'm still wearing that jock, eh? Doug Wait up, eh? Bob You hurry, you hoser! Patron That's them! Get them! [Bob and Doug climb into their van] Doug Who's driving? Bob You drive, there's a lot of cops around. Doug Ok, thanks, eh? [Bob grabs ticket off windshield] Bob It's a twenty! Beauty, eh? [Doug starts the van and takes off] Bob Hey, what are you going this way for? Cop Ok, hold it right there. Road block! Go that way! Bob Hey officer, I told him to go the other way! Doug Sorry. Bob My brother's drunk! Doug I am not, eh? Cop All right, move it, let's go! **************** OPENING CREDITS ************************ ----------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE FOUR - The McKenzie house] [Bob and Doug pull into the driveway] [Parents on couch watching Tom and Jerry] Doug [pushes Bob out of the way] First come first served, eh? [They raid the donut box and beers -- one for Hosehead] Bob Here, boy. Dad Save one of those beers for me, eh! [Bob and Doug guzzle their beers -- the last ones. They try to take back Hosehead's, but he growls at them] Bob He's guarding the beer, what do we do? Doug Bribe him. Bob Yeah! Get him a donut--jelly, he likes jelly. Jelly donut coming! Doug Ok, Hosehead! Mmmm...delicious jelly donut. [They toss the donut to the dog and grab his bowl of beer] Bob Get a glass, eh? Dad What the heck's going on in there? Bob and Doug We're just getting your beer. [Pour *gross* beer into glass] Doug You take it to him. Bob No way, eh? You take it to him. Doug No, you. Bob No, you take it. I'm letting go of the beer. Doug Ok, fine. [Glass drops to the floor and breaks] Doug Dad, Bob broke your beer! Bob No I didn't, Doug broke it! Mom Clean up the mess, boys. Dad I want you hosers to get me a fresh case of beer first thing in the morning. Bob We're going to need some money! Dad Use the money I gave you today, you idiots! Doug [to Bob]: Way to go, you gave away the money. ----------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE FIVE - Beer store] Bob What's going to happen if this plan doesn't work, eh? Doug The old man will boot us out of the house and we'll have no place to sleep, eh? Bob Yeah, I can live in this van, eh? I don't need... Doug Take off! You need money to live or you'll starve! Bob Well this plan sucks, I'm not going in. Doug You are, too, or I'll tell the old man you gave away his beer money. Bob Ok, ok...you boss me around... Patron Morning George! [buys beer and walks off] Attendant Well? Doug Elsinores. Bob Twelve! Doug Twenty-four, yeah, twenty-four Elsinore beers. Attendant Twenty-four Elsinore! That will be $14.70. Doug I believe there will be no charge on this two-four of beer, thank you. Attendant Excuse me? Doug Ok, uh, we found this mouse in a bottle of Elsinore beer that we bought at your beer store, eh? And we heard that when that happens you get your beer free. Bob It's in the Canadian Criminal Code, eh. Like there's legal precedence set in cases in law, eh? Doug So, like give us our free beer. Attendant You want free beer? Go to the brewery. Now get out of here before I put the two of you in a bottle. Doug You sure you don't want to think this over? Attendant [seizing them both by their collars] I'm sure. Doug Ok, we're going. Bob Yeah. Doug See ya. [Everybody in store ridicules them] ---------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE SIX - Outside the brewery at fork in road] Bob Geez, there's a lot of arrows, eh? Elsinore castle, uh, Elsinore brewery, Royal Canadian Institute for the Mentally Insane..hey, that's the loony bin, eh? Doug Yeah, sure looks spooky up there. I don't the looks of this at all. Bob Where should we go? The loony bin or the brewery? Doug I'm taking YOU to the loony bin and I'm going to the brewery. Bob Take off, eh? Take me to the brewery. Doug Ok, but then I'm taking you to the loony bin! [cut to car stuck in electric fence] Doug Oh geez, look at that! Pam Help! Bob Geez, what should be do, eh? Pam Get me out of here! Doug Hold it! Your tires are insulators--don't get out of the car or you'll ground and get electrocuted. Bob He hooked up our stereo, eh? Pam I can't get out, the doors are stuck! Doug You know what we've got to do, eh? Ram her from behind! Come on! Bob Who's driving? Doug You are...in case she sues for whiplash I don't know you...I'm just a hitch-hiker, eh? Bob [to Pam] You won't sue for whiplash, will you? Pam Hurry! [They climb into the van and ram the car, knocking it free] Pam Hey! Thanks a lot! Bob Ok, eh! Did you see her looking at me? Doug Yeah, because she thought you were some kind of freak, now come on! Bob Take off, she likes me, eh? [cut to villains in their computer room -- Bob and Doug on surveillance equipment] Claude What happened? Ted There was a power surge at the main gate. We lost picture, but we have it back now. Claude Is she here? Ted Yes. But she's not alone, she's got two guys with her. Claude Lawyers! I knew this would happen! Don't let them in. Ted [monitors crackle with static] They're already in. Dang distortion, that's twice. Claude Where is he? Ted Oh, he's back in the 'thing.' [Claude knocks on hidden door -- it opens and Brewmeister Smith emerges--from a bathroom] Smith Yes? Claude She's here. Smith What are YOU doing here? Claude Uh, Ted said she had lawyers with her...I thought we should discuss it. Ted I did NOT say they were lawyers, YOU said they were lawyers. [Smith looks at monitor, which shows Bob and Doug kicking car tires in the parking lot] Smith They don't look like lawyers to me! [to Claude] Do you have the check? Claude Yes, it's right here [pats shirt pocket]. [Smith grabs Claude's tie and lifts him up] Smith Did her mother sign it? Claude Yes, she did. Smith And you know what to do. Claude Yes, yes I know. [cut to Bob and Doug outside of the brewery] Bob It's real big, eh? Doug Yeah, don't get scared. Just think of all the free beers we're going to get. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE SEVEN - Inside brewery] Secretary Good morning, how may I help you? Doug [pointing to picture on wall] We have an appointment with that guy there, eh? Secretary I'm sorry, Mr. Elsinore passed away recently. Doug Uh, yes. We made the appointment with the deceased quite some time ago. We were away on business, eh? Secretary [flips through Roledex] How long ago was it? Doug When did he die? Secretary I beg your pardon? Bob Uh, wait. Ok, you know his replacement, the new boss. We made our appointment with him, eh? What was his name again? Secretary I'm afraid that's private company business. Doug I see. Well, perhaps one of THESE [pulls out donut] would refresh your memory, eh? [Secretary hesitates, then snatches donut] Secretary Well, the day after HE died, his brother Claude married his wife and took over the entire brewery. But there's a daughter...[she pauses] Doug [to Bob] Go, eh? Bob It's my last one! Doug Go! [Bob give his donut to the secretary] Bob It's a jelly. [Secretary takes donut] Secretary She just turned 21, and legally inherits the whole brewery. Bob So SHE'S the new boss? [cut to boardroom] Claude However, today I've asked Pamela to stop by so we could present her with this honorarium and temporary share transfer agreement. Henry In other words, you're buying her out! Claude No one is buying anyone out, Henry. This is a temporary arrangement to relieve her of the burden of ownership so that she can continue with her studies. Henry [to Pam] Do you WANT to be relieved of the burden of ownership? Pam Well, I don't know. Five million dollars is an awful lot of money. My mother might have accepted your proposals, but I don't! Forget it, uncle. I'm taking over the brewery! Lawyer There's a legal question to be considered here... Essentially this is a vote of trust. [cut to Bob and Doug wandering aimlessly in the hallways] Bob Come on, we're lost. Doug We are not! Bob We're lost in the brewery! [Doug wrestles with Bob until LaRose emerges from doorway] LaRose Who are you? Doug Ah, yes. We have an appointment with the president--the new president, not the one who died--of the brewery. Mr. Claude Elsinore. Perhaps you've heard of him? LaRose Come on, I'll show you. Bob You know how that is? That's Jean LaRose, the Montreal Canadien Rookie-of-the-Year two years ago, but he doesn't play hockey no more. Doug Take off, he's a cop and he knows you're lying about the mouse in the bottle and he's going to arrest you and I'm going to be a witness. Bob I've got that guy's hockey card all over my room! [cut to computer room, monitor shows Bob and Doug fighting] Ted Looks like LaRose's picked up those two hicks. [cut to office] Claude But you don't know how to run a brewery! Who will handle the day-to- day operations? Pam Henry Green ran it for my father, he can run it for me! Henry I'll help all I can. Excuse me. I just don't want to step on Smith's toes. Pam Who? [There's a knock at the door] Claude What? We're having a meeting! LaRose [entering] These gentlemen here say they have a meeting with you, eh? Claude When? What meeting? Bob [to Pam] Hey whiplash, how's it going? Pam Just fine, thanks. [Pam and LaRose lock eyes to the tune of cheesy music] Claude What is the reason for this? Doug Are you Claude Elsinore? Claude Yes. Doug Well, we found this mouse in a bottle of YOUR beer, eh? Like we was at a party, and a friend of ours, a cop, had some and he puked. And he said 'come here and get free beer,' or he'll press charges. Claude [looks at bottle] Henry, could this have happened? Henry Well, not so long ago, when there were MEN on the bottling lines, this sort of thing DIDN'T happen. Pam So let's get some MEN on the bottling line! ----------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE EIGHT - The bottling line] Henry Welcome to 1984, the age of automation and unemployment. The rise of the machine and the fall of man. The end of the human era. [to Bob and Doug] You don't know what I'm talking about, do you? Doug What? We can't hear you. We've got these things in our ears, eh? Henry Watch your step and remember, Big Brother is watching you. Put these on [hand them goggles]. Safety requirements. [to Bob] Your job is to watch the bottles on this line, watch them for mice! Doug What's my job? Henry Help him. [Bob and Doug count beer bottles. Bob grabs two beers.] Bob You got an opener? Doug Yeah, I stole this! [he opens the bottles] Bob Two at a time, eh? Doug Yeah...to our new jobs, eh? Bob Cheers! [cut to computer room] Smith Let me see what you've got. Ted Ok. Smith Good. Now bring the lunatics from the Institute. I want to see how the drug in the beer is affecting them. Ted They're responding to the sounds...watch this. [plays organ -- the lunatics run through tunnel to the brewery and suit up for hockey] Ok, basically it's the same system, with a new addition. Specific tones are still linked to motivation, but now we've added color distinction. So, object A will attack object B, or black will attack white, or vice versa. I'm going to try the whole thing out tomorrow. Smith Same concentration of formula? Ted Yes. Smith Good, that means we're right on schedule. Just one more test, and then we are ready for the world! Light them up. [Ted punches up lights on world map] Smith Thank you. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE NINE - Elsinore castle--Claude, his wife, and Pam at dinner, well dressed and eating KFC] Claude You know, Pamela, I don't want you to think that your mother and I don't understand how you feel about losing your father. Mother If it had been ME, you'd have been over it by now. Claude It's easy to wallow in self pity--the hard thing is to go on living. Mother We always have our memories. The Colonel is dead, here we are still enjoying his chicken! Pam Don't you think it's a little unusual to get married so soon after the funeral? [Claude shifts in his chair] Claude More bean medley, dear? [gives beans to mother] [cut to McKenzie home] Mom Well, where'd you boys get all this beer? Dad You stole it, didn't you!? I'm calling the police! Bob No way, dad. This was free beer, dad. There's more outside. Dad How much more? Doug Oh, about ten or twelve cases. We got jobs at Elsinore brewery. We work there now, eh? Dad Do you hear that, honey? They got JOBS! They got FREE BEER! Hahahahahah! [Bob and Doug go to retrieve more beer] Bob We're really in good with our folks now, eh? Doug Yeah, well let's not blow it by sleeping in and being late for our first day on the job. Bob Well, why don't we stay up all night? Doug Beauty. Dad Honey, call the neighbors! Never mind, I'll do it myself! [on phone] Hey George, the boys got jobs! [Neighbors wake up and tell dad to shut up] ----------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE TEN -- Brewery--Pam walks in, sees Bob and Doug sleeping on couch in lobby] Secretary They were here when I got here. Pam Guys! Bob Shut up, ma. [wakes up] Oh, geez! Good day, eh? We got here too early...we was just waiting. Pam Well where's Henry Green? Weren't you supposed to meet him here? Bob Geez, I just got up, eh? I don't know. Pam Ok, well come on. You can't leave this mess here, so I'll show you to the cafeteria and then we can go and find Henry Green, ok? Bob [to Doug] Get up! [Bob and Doug bonk heads and begin fighting] [cut to cafeteria] Pam Well, there's no staff, so I guess there's no reason to have a cafeteria. Bob I told you we brought too many donuts. Geez, this is spooky. Doug It's like a ghost town. [Tickles Bob's ribs and shouts Boo!, making Bob jump and drop the donuts] Bob Take off, eh? [Doug howls like a wolf] Doug Look out, eh? Pam The lights don't work! Bob [checking vending machines] Hey, check this out! There's sandwiches and smokes in these machines, eh? Doug Here's an old Galactic Border Patrol game! Bob Hey, there's Joe Louie, and, geez, is that tuna or what? Doug Plugs aren't working. Bob Hey give me some quarters will you, I'm going to have chocolate milk. Doug Forget it hoser, the power's turned off. Pam Came on guys, let's go. Doug Hey, there's a door here! [tries it] It's locked. Hey Pam, you got a credit card? Bob Pam, you got a credit card? Pam Well, yeah, I do. Bob She's got a credit card! Doug Ok give it to me, I need it! Bob He needs your credit card. [Pam gives her credit card to Bob] Bob Ok coming credit card! Geez, travel, eh? [gives card to Doug] Ok, here you go. Doug Beauty. Bob Like he once got our dead battery going by mixing bird feces and spit, cause there's like acid in it. So, you travel quite a bit? [Doug opens door and turns power back on. The vending machines spit out all their contents and the video games turn on] Bob Beauty! Look at the machines! Jackpot! Pam [to Doug] How'd you do that? Doug Well, I know some stuff about electricity, eh? Bob: [grabs stuff from floor] Here's a chocolate! [throws a milk to Doug] Cheers! [starts to drink chocolate milk] Doug [looks at carton] Geez, hoser, this is four months old! [cut to computer room, where an alarm is going off] Smith What is it? Ted The power is on in the old cafeteria. Smith Our nosey little friends? Ted It must be them. Smith I think it's time the little lady and I had a chat. [cut back to cafeteria] Bob Sorry I ralphed, Pam. Pam You shouldn't have had that chocolate milk. Bob I know. Sorry about your sweater. You can take it out of my pay if you want. Pam That's ok. Bob Geez, you're real nice. If I didn't have puke breath I'd kiss you. Doug Hey Pam! Your name's on this machine! You got to level six, I only got to level five. Beauty playing. Pam I've never played that game before. Doug Well, your name's right here. Not a bad score either. Pam 21-10-59. That's my birthdate! October 21st, 1959. [Video game beeps] Doug Hey! My name's gone! Who's John Elsinore? Pam My father! Bob Fresh as a daisy! Hey can I play? Doug Sure. Ow! [takes hand from machine] This things hot! You'd better kill this thing! Hey, the plug's glowing! [kick plug out, turning off machine] [LaRose enters] LaRose Ms. Elsinore? Bob Hey Rosie! LaRose Mr. Smith is waiting for you. Pam Where is he? LaRose In the brewery room. I can show you the way. Pam No thanks, it's ok. I can find my way myself. See you guys later. Bob Hey thanks for the jobs, eh? Doug Yeah, we'll work real hard, eh? Bob Hey Rosie! Will you sign this hockey card? I brought it from home. LaRose Where'd you get that? Bob Well, I collect them, but I already had the gum, eh? Sign it to Bob McKenzie, my good pal. Put Rosie LaRose, I know you like it when people call you Rosie. Doug Hey, how'd Pam's dad die? LaRose He was electrocuted. Bob [to Doug] Take off, will you? He's signing my card. Hey that was a great hat trick you had against Czechoslovakia, eh? Sorry about your nervous breakdown. Guess it kind of screwed up your career, eh? Doug You had a nervous breakdown, huh? Me too, when he was born. Bob Take off, you hoser. Doug You take off, you knob. [Bob and Doug spit at each other] [cut to brewery room] Smith Good morning, Miss Elsinore! I'm brewmeister Smith. My condolences to you on the loss of your father. Pam I appreciate your sympathy, but I came here to talk about my plans for the brewery. But it's really YOUR brewery now, isn't it. Smith Well, I'm very flattered that you think I'm that important, but of course it's not true. I'm just an employee. Pam Oh, really? Well, who employed you to install surveillance cameras? Smith Well, you see, the brewery business has become very competitive these days, so security is extremely important. Pam What made this brewery great is that my father ran it as a family business. I'm afraid you have two weeks notice, Mr. Smith. Smith You must be out of your mind, young lady! It takes experience to run a brewery, and you have none! Pam I don't plan on doing it alone. [cut to computer room] Claude [to Smith] All right, let's not get excited. I'm the president of the company, I'll just hire you back. She has no right... Smith She HAS the right. She has 51%. That's all the right she needs. Claude You're right. Well, what are we going to do? Smith I have a plan. [goes to desk and gets tranquilizer guns] Claude Oh, no. No rough stuff. That was our deal. I mean, we had a deal. I don't have the stomach for it. Smith You stinking hypocrite! You murdered your own brother! You had the stomach for that! Claude The second time. The second time I murdered him. You murdered him first. He was already dead when I killed him. I can't go through with that again. There'll be police, there'll be questions. I'll crack, I know I will! Smith [slaps Claude repeatedly] Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! We are not going to kill anyone. Ted Excuse me, brewmeister. We are ready for the exercises. Smith Good. Claude You're going to conduct those experiments? With her walking through the brewery? Suppose she sees... [Smith hauls Claude up by his ear] Smith Where are the fools with the mouse? Ted They're with Henry Green. Smith Put them in the game. Take it to level 5. Ted Level 5, sir? Smith LEVEL 5!! Claude Do it, do it! [Smith drops Claude and gives him a gun] Smith Take this--we have work to do. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE ELEVEN -- The hockey rink] LaRose I have to go through with this, but don't worry. You won't get hurt-- your equipment should protect you. Bob Being on the same team as you is all the padding I need, Rosie. LaRose [to Doug] Hey, are you ok? Bob Hey hoser, you ok? Doug [breathing heavily] I am your father, Luke. Give in to the dark side of the Force, you knob! Bob He saw Jedi seventeen times. Beauty, eh? [Loudspeakers blare music] LaRose Better go to your goals. [Bob and Doug go to their respective goals] Bob [to LaRose] Have a good game, eh? [Loudspeakers blare and the puck drops down. The white team clobbers the black team and races toward Doug. Music blares and white team stops] Doug The power of the Force stopped you, you hosers! [Black team gets up and skates toward Bob] Bob Ok, cover your shorts. Don't get deep. Stick on the ice. [Black team clobbers Bob, then rejoins white team at center ice] Bob That was no goal, you know! That was in the crease! [White team skates toward Doug] Doug Come back and fight, you hosers! Come on, eh? [White team clobbers Doug, who lays on ice, moaning] Doug Oh, my left nut. [cut to cafeteria, where Pam restarts the video game] Henry Careful! Pam It's ok...it did that before. Now, I think he just pressed one of these buttons. Henry What are you doing? Pam It will just take a moment... [Screen blips and names re-appear] Pam There, see that? See that number? April 4th, that's the day he died. [Screen blips and shows video footage] Henry That's the tape they showed at the inquest! Look! [Screen shows new footage of Claude and Smith pushing John Elsinore against electrical fence. Also shows Smith strangling John in the computer room.] Pam They killed him! Henry It looks that way. [cut to locker room] Doug Your sucking white skates skate like a figure skater. Bob Well, these are like referee skates--at least figure skaters know how to skate, eh? Doug Hey! Somebody horked our clothes! Bob Geez! Who'd want to hork our clothes, eh? Doug Maybe a couple of these guys got sick and tired of wearing their pajamas. Bob No, they're all out on the ice. Doug Let's go report this to our boss, eh? Bob No, let's go see if there's a lost and found. Doug No, let's report this to our boss. Bob No, lost and found's a better idea. [Bob and Doug wander around. Doug sneezes into brewery vat.] [Cut to Pam and Henry entering control room] Pam Have you ever been in here before? Henry Yeah, but I've not seen any of this stuff before. You certainly don't need any of this kind of hardware to make beer. [cut to Bob and Doug in corridor] Bob I don't think we're going to find no lost and found, eh? Doug I told you that was a mistake. [Doug hits Bob's armour and hurts his hand] Doug Ow! [cut back to control room] Pam Who's that? [looking at monitor] Henry That's Smith's assistant. Look! Every camera in the place is tied into this console! [they see themselves] Pam That's us! Henry They don't even trust themselves! [They see what appears to be Bob and Doug behind them] Pam It's the guys! [Smith and Claude shoot them with their guns] Claude Are you sure we didn't kill them? Smith Just shut up! I have it all worked out. [Ted enters lab and startles Claude, who shoots him] Claude Ted! Smith You stupid idiot! Now he'll be asleep for two hours! [cut to Bob and Doug drinking from beer tank] Bob Woooooo!! Beer shot! Doug Don't waste it! Here, give me that! [Doug squirts Bob with beer] Bob Take off, you hoser. [cut to Smith and Claude dragging Pam and Henry down stairs] Smith I told you, we take them to the loading dock and put them in beer kegs. Hurry! [cut to Bob and Doug blundering into computer room] Doug Aw, geez look at this place! Bob Geez, what is this place? Doug It's a nuclear bomb shelter! Bob Geez, let's get bombed! Doug There's probably beer here somewhere. Bob Yeah! Doug Shhh! There's a guy over there [points to Ted]. Bob Hey, there's the game we were all in! Hey, what's with this guy. Hey, you! [taps Ted on shoulder and Ted falls over] Doug You killed him! He's dead! I'm a witness! Police, police, my brother's a murderer! Bob I didn't do that! Take off! Doug He's not dead, look, his stomach's moving. Bob Maybe he's just sleeping, eh? Doug Maybe he's going to puke--he had too many beers. Bob Where are the beers? Doug I'll find them. [Bob inspects console] Bob Hey, here's the organ they was using, eh? [he starts to play] [Doug plays with some equipment and a disk shoots out] Doug Hey, bootlegs! No wonder everything's so secret around here, they've got pirates! [Bob ignores him and Doug stuffs disk in his shorts] Bob Hey, this piano has a computer on it! I don't know how to work it, eh? Doug It figures you wouldn't know how to work it if it's got a computer. Bob Oh yeah, Mr. Wizard. Doug Here, let me try, I'm a genius. Bob Those hosers are skating around in a circle. [Doug plays Great White North theme, making the skaters fight] Bob Beauty, eh? Hey, that song's making them fight, eh? Do it again. [Bob and Doug act the part of hockey announcers] Bob Delvecio has hurt Gretzky and they're in the dressing room trying to find out what's to be done... Doug Polfer and Holman have been fighting terribly. Of course Frank Mohammad is one of the strongest guys in the league, he made out ok, but what a fight! Bob And now somebody has thrown an octopus out on the ice and Litzenburger and Saunders are going... [Bob and Doug slump to the floor, having been shot by Smith and Claude] ----------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE TWELVE - The loading dock] [Claude loads kegs into Bob and Doug's van] Claude [to Ted] How are the brakes? Ted They got two stops, then no brakes. Claude Good work! Listen, about that shooting business...I'm sorry about that, I didn't mean it. [Claude honks the horn and wakes up Bob and Doug, who are asleep in the front seats] Claude You boys have a nice nap? Doug How's it going? Claude You're doing a great job here, but I have a special assignment for you. My daughter, you know, Pamela, she's having her birthday, and I want to deliver a couple of kegs...very special kegs, for the party. Bob Geez, these have beer in them, these big kegs? Claude Beer? Oh, yes, beer...for the party. Look, here's the map...you must follow this route precisely, because otherwise you'll get lost and she'll be disappointed... [The loony patients shuffle on scene] LaRose Hey! Where you guys going, eh? Claude What? Shhh! Get out of here! Bob Hey, Rosie! We're going to Pam's birthday, you coming? Claude It's, uh, a business trip. They're going on a business trip. Doug Ok, so we just go down to Lakeside Park here, eh? Claude That's right. It's right at the bottom of the hill. You can't miss it, it's right at the bottom of the BIG hill. Now you'd better get started, or you'll be late! LaRose I'll go with you, eh? Claude No, open the door. Open the door...open the door. Bob We're going to get loaded on this beer, eh? [Claude and LaRose open the bay door and the van drives out. The loonies close in around Claude. Smith enters.] Claude [to Smith] Listen, everything's under control. Don't worry, I took care of it. Smith So I heard. Claude [to loonies] Please! Do you mind? It's getting a little crowded here... Smith Send those lunatics back to the institute! We have to follow the van! Claude [to loonies] Back to the institute! We have to follow the van! Smith Do as I say! Claude Back! Back! Go back! Go back! [to Smith] Follow the van? Oh, just to make sure! That's a great idea, a great idea! Smith Get in! Claude I'll drive... [cut to car following van] Bob Hey, did you feed Hosehead this morning? Doug Uh, no, I forget. Well, he was sleeping, eh? Bob Well make up your mind, eh? Doug He was sleeping. Bob Well, maybe we should go back and feed him? Doug What, in case the party goes all night? Bob We got two kegs! [Doug slams on the brakes, almost causing Claude to run into the van] Bob What are you doing!? Doug Uh, I was just testing the brakes, eh? They felt a little soft. Smith [as van turns off route] Where are they going? Claude I don't understand it! I gave them a map. It was all very clear! Smith Follow them... [Bob and Doug pull up in front of their house] Doug Ok, don't be a hog, eh? We just have time for one quick one... Bob Ok...last one in the house is, uh, a big idiot. Doug Take off, eh? [Doug yanks Bob's collar and enters house] Doug I win, eh? Bob [surveying messy house] Aw, geez, look at this. Dad really got into the beers, eh? Doug Where are they? Mom? Dad? [Bob and Doug blunder into their parents room to find them 'bonding'] Dad Take off, eh? Mom Get out! Bob Sorry... Doug Geez, I didn't think that they still... [Hosehead confronts them as they leave, growling] Doug Get him his bowl quick, or he'll kill us! Bob Yeah, he's got a funny look in his eye! [Camera shows Hosehead's view -- Bob and Doug appear as T-Bone steaks.] [cut to car outside] Smith What the stink are they doing in there? Claude Would you like me to tilt your chair back? Smith Shut up. [cut back to house] Bob Twenty cans ought to be enough, eh? [to Hosehead] Listen, we're going to a party. Don't eat the furniture. Doug [fiddling with pants] I've got to get some new underwears! [he produces the disk from the lab] Bob Geez! Bootlegs! Doug You remember where we got this? Bob Yeah, it was when we were running off them pirates, eh? Doug Yeah, was that a dream or what? Bob It was no dream, it was in your underwears! Doug Ok, let's see...this is one of those new square records that goes in a record player that's, like, on it's side. [Doug places the disk on his turntable] Bob No way, that's an EP from some British new wave band! Doug Take off! You don't know. Bob Yeah, they bootleg those, eh? [Doug plays the disk...it begins to squeal] Doug What do you think? Bob Sounds like a British new wave band! Doug Not my style of music...hey Hosehead! Here's another one for your collection! [tosses disk to dog, who catches it in his mouth] Bob Beauty! Hank Aaron...I wonder if he can hit? [cut to outside of house] Smith There they are! [Bob and Doug stumble into van] Bob Hey, who's driving, eh? Doug I am, because you're too loaded to drive! Bob I am not! I'm just getting warmed up for the party, eh? Doug You can't drink and drive at the same time, you hoser! [van takes off, leaving a pool of brake fluid behind. Claude follows. Cut to LaRose on motorcycle, heading for the party, wearing his hockey mask.] [cut to Smith's car] Claude It's nice to get away from the brewery, you know. Take a little drive, you know. [cut to van] Bob Did you ever notice that, like, in movies when they're driving they don't look at the road for a long time? Doug [turning to Bob] Geez, no, I never noticed that, eh? Bob Yeah, it's because they're being towed by a rig. [Doug nearly front ends a truck...cops start following them] [cut to Smith's car] Smith We have them now! Claude Just like I told you... [cut to van, which has started to careen down the BIG hill] Bob What's going on? Will you stop this thing? Come on! Doug The brakes aren't working! Bob Try the parking brake! Doug Take off! The parking brake NEVER works! [takes hands off wheel] No point in steering now... Bob Take off! You steer this thing! [van enters pier area, the back doors fling open and the keg containing Henry tumbles out and is struck by the pursuing cop car. The van goes up a ramp of crates and jumps out into the bay. As it hits the water, the other keg falls out, and as the van sinks, Pamela emerges and struggles to the surface. LaRose gets off his bike and dives into the bay to save Pam. He saves Pam, but he sinks to the bottom, coming to rest on the van's roof... The police remove the lid from Henry's keg.] Henry HELP! Policeman You'd better call an ambulance... [The police help Pam from the bay. The inspector arrives.] Policeman They're down at the end of the wharf, sir. Inspector All right, you'd better follow us there. Policeman Ok, you guys follow him. [Smith's car arrives. The inspector meets Pamela.] Inspector Ok back off, let's have a look here. [to Pam] You all right? [Smith shoots Pam with tranquilizer gun. Pam faints.] Inspector Ok, she's fainted--call an ambulance. Policeman 2 It's on it's way, sir! [Smith's car takes off. The policemen look out into the water.] Inspector They've been down there ten minutes? Policeman 3 Yes, sir. Inspector No one can survive that long. Not Houdini, not nobody. [Camera backs out from the pier...] ******************** INTERMISSION ******************** [Back at the pier...Henry is being loaded into an ambulance. Cut to police divers approaching van...they find Bob, Doug, and LaRose drinking beer in the front seat. Diver shows badge to Doug who produces his driver's license. Cut to newspaper headlines...first a women's underwear sale, then hand flips newspaper over to reveal real headline -- BEER HEIRESS SNATCHED! A picture of Bob and Doug accompanies the article. Cut to police station, where Bob and Doug are getting finger-printed...] Bob Hey hoser! Doug What? [Bob smears ink all over Doug's face...they fight.] Policeman 4 Allright, break it up! [Cut to mug shots...both have ink all over them. FYI Bob's number is 789709 and Doug's is 789708] Doug Those big cons are going to love you, eh? Bob What do you mean? Doug You're a cute little guy...they're going to be loving you from dawn to dusk. Policeman 4 Turn! Bob Where you going to be? Doug I'll be in the cafeteria selling smokes! [cut to lineup] Policeman 4 All right, single file, down here, snap it up! Come on, move it! Hands out of your pockets! Back against the wall! Look straight ahead! Feet together! Straighten up! Ok, that's it. Doug Ok, eh? Bob Gee, they're going to kill us... Inspector [to Pam] Try to pick out the men who kidnapped you. Doug [pointing to Pam] That's her! Bob [to Pam] Hey, how're you doing... Policeman 4 Get back there! Bob No, that's her! She was... Policeman 4 Get back, quiet! Doug He can't get any further back, or you'd... Policeman 4 Shut up! [Doug makes a GREAT face...] [Bob and Doug get thrown into a cell with a bunch of BIG thugs. Cut to inspector questioning Claude. Pam is watching Tom and Jerry.] Inspector What did the doctor say? Claude Catatonic schizophrenia. Inspector What? Claude Schizophrenia, marked by an excessive and sometimes violent motor activity, or by generalized inhibition. Inspector Sounds like you just picked that out of the dictionary! Claude No, no, no. That's exactly what the doctor said. I have a photographic memory, you know. Inspector Really? Claude Oh yes, I never forget a thing. Inspector Well, that might be useful in my investigation of this case... Claude Well, feel free to call on me at any time. [They walk through hallway.] Inspector My compliments on the many fine things you have in your home. Claude Well, thank you. Inspector [pointing to statue] Bonaparte? Claude Uh, Napoleon actually. Inspector Oh. What does a thing like that cost? Claude Oh, four or five thousand dollars. I don't remember. Inspector [pointing to another statue] Who chiseled this? Claude It was some...sculptor. I can't remember. I'm terrible on names... Inspector I thought you said you had a photographic memory? Claude Well, normally I would...but I, uh... [Claude's wife enters.] Claude's wife Darling! Claude Ah! My wife. Claude's wife You didn't tell me we had company! Claude I think you know the inspector, dear... Claude's wife Hello... Claude My wife... Claude's wife How is she? Claude She's about the same, I'm afraid. Claude's wife I don't know what's wrong with her. She hasn't said a word since the accident. I hope it's not something I've done... Claude No, no, or course not. Well, the inspector has to leave... Claude's wife Oh, wouldn't you like a drink or something? Claude No, he wouldn't. He'd love to, but he has to run. Claude's wife Oh. Inspector Right. I hope she'll be able to testify tomorrow morning. Claude Who? Oh! Yes. We hope so. Inspector Good night. Claude's wife Bye. ----------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE THIRTEEN -- Jail cell] Doug [to cons] Chimp here does the killing [points to Bob]. I don't like to kill. I'm the brains, eh? Like, we've got over five billion dollars in our hideout, only some of the money is marked, eh, so we're not spending it. We're just waiting. Head con Would you guys like a smoke? Doug No, eh? We want our lungs to be pink when they fry us! We told them we didn't want a lawyer, eh? Chimp here'd probably just kill him anyway...lawyers are for sucks! Policeman 5 McKenzie brothers! You're lawyer's here! [Bob and Doug run quickly from cell. Cons try to kill them.] Policeman 5 You can talk in here. Bob Ok, eh? Jack Hi, I'm Jack Hawkland, your lawyer. Doug How's it going, eh? Bob I remember you from the office. Jack You're very observant. I'll make this as simple as possible. The two of you have been charged with kidnapping under section 2471 of the criminal code. The offense of kidnapping is comprised of two elements, both of which must be satisfied before a conviction may lie. The first element, Actus Reus, which was satisfied on October the tenth, 1983, when you, Robert and Douglas McKenzie, did kidnap one Pamela Elsinore... Bob Wait a second, like we didn't do it! Doug That's right, we're innocent! Jack If you're innocent, you've got nothing to fear... [they all begin laughing.] Bob Beauty, eh? Doug We'll get off, eh? [cut to computer room] Ted Exhibit A. It's an open a shut case. [Video tape shows people in Bob and Doug's clothes shooting Pam and Henry, then loading their bodies into kegs.] Should I time code it? Smith Yes. Now what about that missing disk? [Ted hits a button and video shows Doug putting disk in his underwears.] How did he get the code? Ted Random chance. Smith That's impossible! Play it back. Give me magnification on the code pad. [camera zooms in on pad, shows Doug's fingers hitting buttons.] That's not our code! Get me the John Elsinore disk! [Ted tries to get the disk, but it isn't there and all the others spit out.] Ted Ahhhh! Smith Look! Look at this! [monitor shows Smith murdering John Elsinore. Fireball bounces around room.] Ted What the heck was that!? Smith There's no scientific explanation for it...so it's pointless to worry. [Smith and Ted gather disks and count them.] 11, 12, 13...they knew exactly what they were doing! They took the one disk that would incriminate me! Ted What are we going to do now? Smith We will move toward Oktoberfest as planned, and I will not underestimate our little friends again. [Smith leans on the world map.] Ted Do you want me to light it up? Smith No. ---------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE FOURTEEN -- the courtroom] Jack It's the press...I'll handle them. [He beats the reporters up with karate, tossing one off the ledge.] Reporter Arrrgghhh! Jack THAT'S how you handle the press! [Female reporter attacks Jack, but he beats her up, too.] We're late! Let's go! Bob [to Doug] Remind me to pay his bill on time... Doug Chuck Norris for the defense, eh? Beauty... [They head for the courtroom. Cut to session.] Jack Your worship, I wish to plead my clients guilty to statutes 125 and 233 of the criminal code, and not guilty to all other charges due to mental incompetence. Prosecutor Objection! You cannot split pleas like that! Bob [to Doug] Two bowls of split-plea soup to go, eh!? [Doug laughs, snorts, and his nose starts to bleed.] You got a bleeding nose? Doug Yeah... Bob Your honor? Mr. Judge, sir...my brother has a bleeding nose. He needs some Kleenex or something. [Doug tried to wipe his nose on Bob's shirt.] Take off, eh!? Judge [to clerk] Clerk, please... Bob The clerk's going to get you some Kleenex... [After time lapse, the video Ted fabricated is shown.] Prosecutor [to Claude] And this, sir, is the same tape that your engineer retrieved from the video camera that monitors the activity in your brewery? Claude Yes, and I'd like to point out that this tape have not been tampered with or edited in any way. It even has a time code on it, and those are very difficult to fake. Judge For the benefit of the court, will you please explain 'time code'? Claude Just because I don't know what it is doesn't mean I'm lying! [cut to Doug with HUGE ball of Kleenex on his nose] Bob Geez, it usually stops bleeding by now...are you ok? Clerk [to bailiff] This isn't working...we need something else...quick, a couple bullets. Bob Maybe we should call the Red Cross or something... Doug Good idea! Beauty! [he shoves bullets up nose.] Bob and Doug Beauty, clerk! Judge May I remind you two idiots that this is a court of law? Bob He's the one with the bleeding nose, I didn't do anything... Judge Proceed, counsellor. Jack [to Smith] Would you state your name and occupation, please? Smith Dr. B.M. Smith, resident head of psychiatry at the Royal Canadian Institute for the Mentally Insane. Jack Now, Dr. Smith, we know you are familiar with this case. The victim, Pamela Elsinore, is currently under your care at the R.C.I.M.I. Smith That is correct. Jack Dr. Smith, would you say that you are sufficiently familiar with the defendants to give us a...preliminary diagnosis? Smith I am. I would say, without a doubt, that they suffer from paranoid schizophrenia. Jack Would you kindly explain to the court what that means? Smith Well, that is, schizophrenia, marked by excessive and sometimes violent motor activity, or by generalized inhibition. [Claude avoids the Inspector's glance.] [cut to Bob and Doug on the witness stand] Bob and Doug I do! Bob [to Doug] I guess we're married now, clerk. Where's the honeymoon? [He takes the microphone..] Hoda, hoda. Get me a toasted back-bacon and hold the toast... Doug Don't make me laugh, eh? Judge I must instruct you not to speak unless you are spoken to! Bob Geez, he's starting to sound like the old man...pretty soon he'll be sending me out for beers. [Doug laughs too hard and the bullets fire, ruining the courtroom. Everybody ducks and screams.] Judge All right! Order! Until the victim is mentally fit for trial, I want these...two...LUNATICS...confined under the psychiatric care of Dr. Smith at the Royal Canadian Institute for the Mentally Insane. This hearing is adjourned! [bangs gavel.] ----------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE FIFTEEN -- The loony bin, Bob and Doug in padded cell in strait- jackets. Bob rolls toward Doug.] Doug Take off! Don't go over that line! This is MY side of the room. You stay on your side! Bob What line? I don't see any line! If you put your mouth over... Doug Take off or I'm going to do the steamroller on you! Bob Take off! No way! [Doug rolls over Bob.] Bob Arrggghh! Doug Steamroller! Bob I'm steamrolling YOU! [He rolls after Doug, but Doug rolls on him again.] Doug Steamroller! [Ted enters the room.] Ted Hello, fellows. My name is Ted and I'm happy to be working with you. [cut to two orderlies wheeling Pam to another room] Orderly 1 Should I reconnect this? [pointing to IV] Orderly 2 Forget it. Doctor Smith is doing the lobotomy in the morning. [cut to hospital -- LaRose's room. Claude, in Doctors coat, fills a syringe with poison and prepares to inject LaRose. Man in bed next to him enters cardiac arrest and calls for nurse. A nurse enters the room.] Nurse Oh, doctor! Thank heaven you're here! [she prepares man having heart attack for injection, seeing Claude has a syringe in hand. Claude injects the man, who promptly dies.] We lost him! What did you give him? Claude Uh, this is just the thing...a hypodermic needle. Excuse me. [he leaves room.] Nurse Stop that man! Stop him! [LaRose gets up and leaves hospital un-noticed. Cut to entrance gate.] Attendant $6.50 please. [Claude hands him a stethoscope and head light.] Claude Here, this ought to be worth $6.50. Attendant No I don't want this! I want $6.50! I've got your license plate number! You rich bum! [He sees LaRose stealing car.] Hey, you! $6.50! Let me see your ticket! [LaRose grabs attendant and holds up both fists.] LaRose All I've got are two fives! [cut to hospital room] Inspector Who was in this bed? Nurse John LaRose. Inspector John LaRose the hockey player? Nurse I don't know...yes...I guess so. Nurse 2 Is this the available bed? [wheels in Henry Green.] Nurse No, he's, I don't know where he is. This is the one... he's dead. Nurse 2 Well, get him out of that bed... Nurse That's NOT my job, I'm sorry! Nurse 2 What do you mean that's not your job? You want him to mummify? [Nurses argue while Henry Green leaves hospital.] [cut to loony bin, Ted questioning Bob and Doug.] Ted What have you done with the disk? Doug What are looking at me for? I haven't got it. [lie detector sits still--Ted taps it.] Bob Maybe it's out of gas? [Doug farts loudly.] Oh, you farted! Doug No, I didn't. It was the chair, eh? Bob He's lying! Check the machine! Doug I'm not lying! Ted [checking machine] He's lying all right! Bob [fanning air] I don't need a machine to tell me that! Doug I didn't do it, I swear! Bob Aw, geez...don't slice the cheese in here, will you? Doug Take off! [Ted makes faces and takes Bob and Doug to electro-shock therapy.] Doug Don't be a bully, eh? [points to loonies at end of hall] There's the guys that horked our clothes! [waves to them.] Bob Hey! How come you're not playing hockey, eh? Doug [as Ted shoves him into room] Hey, I know my rights! Bob [looking into other room] Hey, who's in this room? [sees Pam] It's Pam! Pam is in there! [Ted grabs him] Ow! Ted Now don't touch anything, I'll be right back. [he locks the door.] [cut to outside -- LaRose arrives and tries to gain entrance.] [cut to Bob and Doug's house. Police try to enter. The missing disk drops from the roof at the policemen's feet.] Inspector What was that? [Hosehead rolls up the roof.] Policeman 5 Let's get out of here. [The inspector retrieves the disk.] [cut back to electro-shock room. Bob is giving Doug shocks.] Bob How was that, eh? Doug Beauty! Take it up to thirty this time! Bob No way, eh? It's my turn! I want...[phone rings--Bob answers it] Doug Ok, I'll just disconnect these... Bob Hello? No, he's not here. He, uh, went to get a pizza. Who's this? [guy hangs up] Geez. He hung up, eh? [Bob jumps on bed.] Doug Put this in your mouth so you don't bite your tongue, ok? Let's try the head this time! Bob Ok! Doug Beauty! If you'd stick to your twelve-point maintenance plan we wouldn't have to jump start you like this, but oh no, you had to do it your way! You think you know everything. Here we go, I think we're going to take it up to 90 this time! [Ted arrives.] Ted Hey! Get away from there! Don't touch those things! No, no, no, no, no! You're always touching things! Doug Take off, eh? Bob He's party-pooping, eh? Hey! Some guy called while you were out, eh? Ted The phone? For me? Bob Yeah. [to Doug] Do it now, eh? Doug No! No way...he'll get me! Bob Aw, come on! What about my turn!? Doug Let's do this instead! Bob Hey! [LaRose enters room.] Bob How's it going, eh? LaRose Shhh! Bob It's going pretty good, eh? LaRose Shhhhhh! [LaRose knocks Ted out.] Doug He doesn't like him very much! LaRose Pam! Where's Pam? I've got to find Pam! Bob Geez, I saw her down the hall but she was dozing off, eh? LaRose Come on! Doug Come on! Bob Aw, geez! We've got to come back for my turn, eh? [cut to hospital parking lot] Attendant [to cop] One guy drove away with the car from here, and he gave me this, maybe he's a doctor! And one guy stole the car from over there...my coat, too! Policeman 6 Ok, let's take a look, sir. Attendant He was not wearing any clothes, he was wearing pajamas...he stole my coat, and hit me! [Henry Green steals the cop car.] Hey! $6.50! [cut back to Pam's room] Pam [to LaRose] But I saw you drown! LaRose They saved my life! Pam [to LaRose] You saved my life. [Orderly 2 enters.] Orderly 2 Hey! What are you doing in here? Doug Oh, uh, we're from the Department of Justice and we're, uh, adjusting the beds. This is Mr. Roy, our consultant. [LaRose elbows orderly.] Bob Geez! Two minutes for elbowing! LaRose Let's get out of here! [They run from room. The lights short out and the loonies are set free. The loonies run off.] Bob What's going on, eh? Where are all these hosers going? LaRose There's a tunnel to the brewery! Pam Let's go! Bob I'm not playing hockey again! Doug Geez, a tunnel to the brewery! Take off, how convenient! [Henry Green rams down the brewery gates.] [cut to Smith in computer room. Claude comes in.] Claude What is it you want? What's going on here? Didn't we pay our electric bill? Smith The circuits are fusing! The computers, the surveillance system...everything seems to be overloading! And I think Ted is dead! Claude Ted? [Monitors flare in red...John's face appears] Oh my gosh! Look! It's him, it's my brother! Oh no! John, he want's revenge! I know it! He's going to kill us! I didn't do it! [pointing to Smith] It wasn't me! It wasn't me! It wasn't me! [to Smith] Turn this thing off! I should never have listened to you! [Smith grabs Claude from behind.] Smith SHUT UP! I could crush your head like a nut, but I won't, because I need you. Now, go to the loading dock. Make sure the trucks leave for Oktoberfest as planned. Do as I say! [he squeezes Claude's head. Claude leaves.] Claude Ow! [cut to tunnel to brewery] LaRose They put some stuff in the beer, and they make us drink it every day! Pam My father must have found out about that. That's why they killed him! LaRose Come on! Bob How long is this tunnel, eh? Doug I'm having a heart attack! [they enter the brewery] Pam Wait! I want to go the cafeteria! LaRose [points to Bob] Ok, you go with her! You [Doug] come with me! Be careful! Pam Don't worry, I will! [Bob and Doug stare at each other as violin music plays in the background.] Bob See you, eh? Doug Yeah. Good day, eh? [They run off.] Doug [to LaRose] Geez, I'm sure glad we got rid of them, eh? They were really starting to bug me. LaRose Come on, let's go! [cut to Bob and Pam--Bob weeping on Pam's shoulder] Pam You mean you've never been apart? Bob No! Never! We've always stuck together... [Smith appears] Smith Stay where you are or I'll kill you! [Bob faints.] Where's the other one? Pam He's dead, Smith! You killed him! Smith Oh, good. That's one less to worry about. Now come this way... [Pam picks up Bob.] [cut to loading dock] Claude [to worker] Come on! Hurry up, let's go! [worker flips him off] I saw that! [cut to loony bin entrance--police searching stolen car. The inspector arrives.] Inspector These the one stolen from the hospital? Policeman 4 That's it. Inspector Japanese, eh? Policeman 4 Yes, sir. Inspector The whole world is made in Japan. Policeman 4 Could be, sir. [cut to brewery vat room] Smith [to Pam and Bob trapped in vat] How ironic! You came here with a mouse in a bottle, now you are the mouse! As for you, my dear... Pam Don't worry about me, Smith! I wrote everything I know in a letter and mailed it to the newspapers! Bob When did you do that? Smith Very good, my dear. Cunning, right to the end. But unfortunately we find the mail system unreliable here. So we use private couriers. Nice try! It's really too bad you won't be around to see the whole word become addicted to Elsinore beer... In a few hours I will introduce my special formula to the public at Oktoberfest. When they drink enough, they will do whatever I tell them. Bob You know people can tell what's in beer, eh. Like my brother can tell the difference between beers by what his burps taste like. Smith Your brother is dead. [slams vat shut.] Pam He's not really dead. I just told him that when you fainted! [vat starts to flood with beer.] Bob Can I buy you a beer? ---------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE SIXTEEN -- the hockey rink] [Loonies dressed in hockey attire run from locker room, LaRose and Doug among them.] LaRose Do you remember what to do? Doug I think so. [cut to vat, Bob and Pam knee deep in beer.] Bob My brother and I used to say that drowning in beer was like heaven, eh? Now he's not here, and I got two soakers... This isn't heaven, this sucks! Pam Don't talk. Try and use as little oxygen as possible, then maybe when the level rises we can get up to that porthole! [Pam and Bob are now up to chest level in beer.] Pam [looking around curiously] I think it's getting warmer in here. Bob [looking guilty] I didn't notice anything. [cut to loading dock, trucks leaving, black hockey team enters on forklift with Doug.] Claude: No fellas. No exercises today. [team jumps off of lift and enters formation.] No fellas, forget about it! [Doug gives Great White North theme and the team advances on Claude, knocking him onto conveyor belt.] You can't do this to me! I'm in charge here! [cut to computer room, Smith waits at bottom of stairs with tranquilizer guns. White team enters with LaRose. Smith dispatches many of them with his unexplained super strength. LaRose duels with him with hockey stick and knocks him into world map, which explodes with red light and kills Smith.] Smith Arrrrg! [LaRose notices computer screen with John Elsinore's face which flashes to a shot of vat 19, which has a capacity of 6,000 gallons. He runs to vat.] [cut to loading dock where Claude emerges from the conveyor belt, plastered with beer labels and bottle caps. The black team dances around him until the cops arrive and cart him away.] [cut to Doug and LaRose in the vat room.] LaRose Come on! They're in the vat room! Let's go. [they reach vat 19] Ok, stand back. This is really going to blow! [he opens the hatch at bottom of vat.] Doug It didn't blow! [LaRose opens the hatch all the way] Anybody home? Pam [emerging from the tank] I can't believe it; he drank it all! You've got to help him. You've got to get him out of there. Doug [looking in vat at Bob] Oh no! Bob [swollen to gigantic proportions] Geez, I've got to take a leak so bad I can taste it! [cut to brewery hallway, where the inspector and police run into Pam.] Inspector What are you doing walking around? I thought you were supposed to be sick! Pam There's a guy back there trapped in a vat; somebody tried to kill him! Inspector You stay here. [to cops] Come on! [Pam ignores him and runs to cafeteria. Inspector arrives at the vat. To Doug] All right, out of the way! Doug Cops! Inspector [looking in vat] How did he get in here!? Doug I didn't do it! Inspector Well, how are we going to get him out of there? Policeman 5 We could try to cut him out with a blowtorch. Policeman 3 You couldn't cut through that with a torch. Inspector I don't know. We need an explosives expert! Doug No! Don't blow him up! He's my brother! Please don't hurt him! Bob [from vat] Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Doug He's going to take a leak! Get out of the way! [They all flee hastily from the vat. Bob releases an enormous belch which blows the vat open.] Bob Hey, got me out of here will you! I got a whiz to throw! Doug Boy, that was some belch! We thought you were going to take a leak! Bob What do you mean? Just get me out of here! Come on you hoser. I'd have saved you some, but I had to save Pam's life, eh? Doug Ok, let me see here. [tries to grab Bob] Bob Ow! Not there! Doug Ok, how about here? Bob Hey, that feels good! [cut to cafeteria. Pam and Henry watch as the ghost of John, aided by some 'nice' special effects, warns them to stop the beer delivery to Oktoberfest.] Pam [to Henry] I think I'd better go. [they hug] [cut to outside shot of brewery and institute, where John's ghost causes an explosion which has no apparent result on the structure of the institute.] [cut to vat room] Inspector What was that? Doug It wasn't me! Policeman 6 The roof just blew off the institute. It's on fire. Doug On fire? Geez. [to Bob] Hey, can you hold it a minute? Bob Yeah, buy hurry will you? I have got to go! Doug Here, give me a hand. I've got an idea... [cut to outside of institute, where Bob has put out the fire and is zipping up his pants, which are now normal size.] Doug Are you done yet? Bob Yeah. Doug Beauty. Fireman You did a fine job son. What took you two minutes would have taken us two hours. If you ever want a job at the fire department you come and see me and you've got it! Bob What about my brother? Can he get a job? Inspector You boys want to come with us? Doug Where are you going? Inspector Oktoberfest. Bob Geez, I've had enough beer for awhile... LaRose Two truckloads of that bad beer went there this morning! Pam We have to stop the people from drinking it! Inspector That's a thirsty crowd. It won't be easy. Doug Ok, I've got an idea, but we have to go home first. Ok? Inspector You guys go with them [to policemen 5 & 6]. Bob How come we're going home? Doug Don't worry about it. Just put these clothes on... [cut to Oktoberfest where the truck are arriving from the brewery.] Announcer Ah. Elsinore beer. Will go right over there. Workman Ok. You've got it. [cut to McKenzie home where Bob wields a policeman's megaphone.] Bob Ok, all cops, get out of your cars. [cops get out of their cars] Ok, I want to take a head count. Like maybe we'll have some breakfast. Some back bacon sandwiches while we was waiting. Ok, another thing, you all went through the stop sign back there, and that's a moving violation, and my brother and I - we have a lot of parking tickets... Doug [arrives with Hosehead] Ok! Bob Ok, my brother's here, so all cops, come on up! Doug [to Hosehead] Sit! Sit! [to Inspector] Got a map? [the Inspector gives the map to Bob, who shows it to Hosehead] Ok, this is like an aerial view. Ok, take the 401 to here, then take highway 6 north, ok? It goes right up here. That's the offramp. Bob Don't forget to take a right at highway 6, eh? Doug Ok? So when you get there you can have all the free beer and sausages you can eat, eh? [Hosehead, painted like a skunk, takes off down the street, then flies into the air and heads for Oktoberfest. A red cape unfurls on his back.] [cut to Oktoberfest, main tent] Announcer Can I get everyone's attention please? We are very happy to announce that today all the beer is free. [the crowd roars it's approval] It is courtesy of our good friends at Elsinore Brewery. [the crowd roars again and the band strikes up a polka. The beer flows freely.] [After a few minutes of revelry, Hosehead bursts through the tent roof and lands amidst the crowd.] Reveler SKUNK! [Everyone clears out of the tent. Minutes later the police arrive, with Bob and Doug.] Policeman 7 [to Inspector] I wouldn't go in there. There's a BIG skunk in there. Inspector We know about that. It's a Toronto skunk, and it's my jurisdiction. [they enter the tent, where Hosehead gorges himself on beer and beauts] Well boys, it worked. I can't thank you enough. I really can't. That's some dog of yours, too. He's really hungry, isn't he? Doug He's always hungry, eh? Bob We couldn't feed him, eh?, because we were in jail. Doug Yeah, you put us there. Thanks a lot, eh? Bob Yeah, we were innocent, too, eh? Inspector Just a second, boys, just a second! Now maybe we can drop the criminal charges, but that mental incompetence thing will be tough to beat. Pam I'll take care of them. From now on they're working full time at the brewery for me and Rosie! Come on! LaRose Let's go, dear! Doug [to Bob] Let's go, dear! Bob See you, inspector! Doug Yeah, bye! [cut to outside the tent] Doug [tripping over box] Pam, we were wondering, eh?, like, just exactly what is wrong with the beer, eh? Is it poison? Could it kill you? LaRose No, no. It's not a poison. It's more like a drug. It can wear off in time, like it did with me, eh? Doug Oh, well, we were thinking that since we're employees of the brewery now, eh?, perhaps it would be a good idea for us to take all the contaminated beer back to the brewery, where it can be properly disposed of, eh? Pam You know how to handle one of those big rigs? Bob Geez, it's a ten speed...[Doug thumps him.] Doug Yeah, sure, of course. Like, we drive them all the time. Pam Well take off, eh? [Bob and Doug run for the truck] Bob You're lying, eh? Doug It's ok, don't worry. Just trust me. Bob You're lying. Doug Just come here, I want to talk to you. Bob You're just tricking me. Doug Come here... Bob If you sucker me in... Doug [grabs Bob] You take right off! Bob I knew you'd sucker me in! You don't know how to drive this thing! Doug I do so! It's just a ten speed, that's 5 speed times two! Bob We're going to crash! We're going to be in the water again! Doug Take off! We are not going to crash, eh? There's no way I'll crash this, this is a beer truck, eh? [They both get the idea and hop in the truck. With minor difficulty, they 'take off'!] ///////////////////////// CREDITS ///////////////////////////// Doug Mckenzie DAVE THOMAS Bob McKenzie RICK MORANIS Brewmeister Smith MAX VON SYDOW Claude Elsinore PAUL DOOLEY Pam Elsinore LYNNE GRIFFIN Jean LaRose ANGUS MacINNES The Inspector TOM HARVEY Henry Green DOUGLAS CAMPBELL Ted BRIAN McCONNACHIE Jack Hawkland LEN DONCHEFF Gertrude JILL FRAPIER The Judge DAVID BEARD The Prosecutor THICK WILSON Ballif ROBERT WINDSOR Angry man at movie SID LYNAS Man in movie RON JAMES Lady in movie DORA DAINTON Man in the alley DAVID CLEMENT Pensioneer PADDY SAMPSON Beer store clerk ROGER DUNN Recepcionist DIANE DOUGLASS John Elsinore ERIC HOUSE Fire chief J. WINSTON CARROLL Bald con JAMES CONROY Prison guard GLENN BECK Parking attendent DESH BANDHU MC at Oktoberfest IUJA IUJEVSKI Nurses MARY CHARLOTTE WILCOX MAGGIE BUTTERFIELD Policemen DAVID RIGBY DENIS FOREST JOHN KELLY DICK GRANT GEORGE STINTON Hospital orderlies THOM BELL CHRISTOPHER BENSON JOHN STONEHAM Hosehead the Dog BUDDY the DOG Voice of Mr. McKenzie MEL BLANC